All I've Lost
by thatquietfangirlintheback
Summary: Lovino Vargas has slowly fallen into the trap that is Anorexia. He meets Antonio who is a strangely kind kid. Lovino thinks maybe, just maybe...there is hope. Warnings: Depression, anorexia, bulimia, mental illness and bullying. This entire fic is filled with angst. Read of your own volition. mxm fanfic.
1. Chapter 1

There is all kinds of warnings for this fic, guys. To start off, this story is about Lovino and a few other characters having anorexia. If you're uncomfortable or offended with that, I urge you to not read this fic. There is also mentions of depression and mental illnesses. I do not intend to glorify any of these illnesses, and am in no way making light or fun of them. Another thing that could be a big component in this fic is bullying. So this fic is just dripping with angst, and if this makes you feel uncomfortable, I highly suggest you just turn back now. Also this is purely fictional, don't like, don't read. RxR. The chapter intro below is an excerpt from a very well-known poem about anorexia called "My Relationship With Ana." I don't know the author, since the poem's been circulating around the internet for a while now, so I apologize.

* * *

Chapter 1. _'I've seen this girl called Ana,_

 _She's pretty thin and tall,_

 _She has the smallest frame I've seen_

 _And one single flaw.'_

* * *

At first it was just missing one or two meals a day. He would think "Oh, it's just breakfast, I'll eat at lunch or dinner." Then he started skipping days. It was gradual, slowly falling into it. Skipped eating on Monday, eating lunch on Tuesday, then skipped Wednesday, maybe skipping Thursday too.

Before Lovino realized it, he was down to eating maybe a grape or cracker a day.

Things were normal at first too. No one commented, no one batted an eyelash at him. He didn't seem any different. It was his younger brother that took notice first.

"Lovi...you never eat...Are you feeling okay?" He asked as he gently touched his back.

Of course, Lovino immediately hid behind the wall he so long built up in silence. "Leave it alone, there's nothing wrong." He grumbled, grabbing a cup and pouring some juice into it. He drank all of its contents and went up the staircase to his room. As soon as the door was shut, he walked over to the mirror, lifting up his shirt and looking into the person he came to hate.

Maybe others didn't notice, but they will soon enough. He saw small differences, his shirts fit him better, he felt more confident, and some of his bones protruded in ways he considered flattering. He gave an approved nod and let his shirt fall back in place. He looked at the clock and saw that he had about twenty minutes to get ready for school. Sighing, he picked out clothes and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

~oO0Oo~

At school, whenever he felt his stomach would growl during a quiet moment in class, he downed some water. It usually works, and he tries his very best to continue and focus on his work.

During lunch, he would avoid the cafeteria, since even the smell of food drives him crazy. But he will not be fooled. Doing this to himself has caused thoughts he's never considered before.

One that keeps replaying in his head is _("Other kids can't do this. They're weaker than I. Look at that one that's stuffing his face with a cupcake. I'm stronger.")_

Having those thoughts, he normally goes to a quiet place and takes out a book to read. It's today, as he does this, that he hears voices coming toward him.

"Why should I eat disgusting cafeteria food when I have a culinary class right after?" One complained loudly, and the other two voices laughed.

Lovino considered hiding, but then figured they wouldn't bother him and would just stroll on by.

"You're so lucky! If it were up to me, I'd take culinary all year, just to avoid that disgusting pig slop they consider food!"

"Oh man, me too. It reminds me of Arthur's cooking...maybe even worse!"

The three voices laugh again.

"Arthur really can't cook for shit- Hey, what are you doing here?" One voice asks, and Lovino notices all three are standing in front of him. He puts the book down and answers a little more harshly than intended. "I came here to read in peace." He looked up and frowned. He should've figured. It was those three idiots in his art class that liked to cause a ruckus and were always sent to the office.

The one with a French accent and long blond hair leaned closer to look at the book he was holding. "Ah, The Hangman's Daughter. That is an interesting book." He grinned in a way that made Lovino want to gag.

Then the one with short, curly, brown hair sat beside him on the bench and smiled. "Guys, we have approximately twenty minutes with nothing to do. Let's make a new friend." He held out a hand and Lovino wanted to tell him to go away. He was polite though, which was a miracle in and of itself. He took the outstretched hand. "I'm Antonio Carriedo. Well, my full name is Antonio Carriedo Fernandez, but you can just call me Toni if you want." The boy beside him said.

Lovino blinked, silently wondering if he should still tell them off and go back to his reading. "...I'm Lovino." He murmured.

The man with blond hair chuckled and leaned against the wall. "Cute name! I'm Francis, Francis Bonnefoy~" He introduced himself, leaning in far too close for Lovino's comfort and shaking his hand.

"And I'm Gilbert Beilschmidt." The boy with strange silver hair and red eyes told him and simply waved, so Lovino nodded at him.

"So, what're you doing here, Lovino? Kids like you normally go to hang out with friends and eat lunch." Francis asked.

Lovino could feel the grimace already trying to form on his face. "I like it when it's quiet." He replied, trying to hint that he'd like to be alone.

Antonio hummed, staring at Lovino with something he couldn't put a name on. "...Then what about lunch?" Antonio asked curiously.

Lovino glared. "I'm not hungry." He said pointedly.

Gilbert chuckled. "C'mon, everyone is hungry during lunch. Choosing not to eat it is probably only because it's slop. It's okay, you can tell us, unless your mom's like, the lunch lady or something." Gilbert grinned toothily.

Okay, that was it. Lovino was done here. "You know what? Fuck you guys. Fuck you and disturbing my peaceful silence. Fuck you and your annoying faces." He spat angrily, Standing up and stomping away.

He could hear Gilbert saying "What the hell is his problem!?"

Then Francis, "Oh, a poor, troubled soul~"

But the worst was Antonio. "Shut up, guys. We did disturb him. Maybe bothering him now wasn't the best time...maybe another time."

Lovino didn't like any of them. He sat behind the school, reading in the corner beside the gate. There were bugs, but he forced himself not to care.

~oO0Oo~

Lovino hated dinner. He hated it more and more with each passing day. He wished he could disappear during dinner and come back when it was over.

"Lovino. Eat." His grandfather grumbled from across the table.

Lovino met his glare with one of his own. He picked up his fork, stabbing the spaghetti on the plate and shoving it into his mouth. Thoughts immediately swirled around in his head. _("No, what are you doing, you idiot? Don't you know you'll look better when you're thinner!? Do you not care how you look? Already, you're getting fatter and uglier.")_

After dinner Lovino quietly went to the bathroom, turned on the sink to make noise as he shoved a finger down his throat and forced himself to purge.

He quickly brushed his teeth, did homework and went to bed. This was all a small price to pay for his confidence.

~oO0Oo~

He avoided his usual reading spot now, mostly because he knew those three idiots walked past there, expecting to see him. Two weeks later in art class, and he would still sit far away from them as possible, putting in his earphones and pretending not to hear them when they tried to get his attention.

It was also around this time that people started to notice. Now he was getting compliments from his peers.

"You look good today, Lovino." A girl, Femke, said. She smiled and winked at Lovino. He practically beamed at her.

"You seem different...but it's a good change, I don't know...did you cut your hair or something?" Another girl, Elizabeta commented, looking him over and nodding in approval. He shrugged, but felt light and happy.

When he looks into the mirror now, he sees a more attractive person. He can see his ribcage and flat stomach. He can see his collar bone more clearly now and he feels absolutely elated.

The real trouble started when, as he was dismissed for lunch, he ran into Antonio. He was standing outside Lovino's classroom, and Lovino suspected he had been just waiting for him to finish class.

He eyed him wearily and continued walking past him. Antonio didn't let up. "Hey, Lovino! Hold on for a sec." He said, catching up and walking beside Lovino.

"What?" He spat, not bothering to glance at Antonio. The guy was annoying as hell.

"I'm sorry if what Francis and Gilbert acted like or said made you uncomfortable. I'm also sorry we bothered you when you were reading." Antonio apologized sincerely.

Lovino rolled his eyes. "They didn't make me feel uncomfortable. I just wanted some peace and quiet."

Antonio nodded. "I can see you like peace and quiet. But, I have a proposition for you." He grinned and Lovino wanted to scream in frustration. This guy would just not go away. "So I kinda ditched my last class, and went to the culinary room and cooked up some tuna empanada, wanna share some with me?" He asked hopefully.

Lovino glanced at the container Antonio was holding, and bit the inside of his cheek. Times like this, he gets paranoid. Will Antonio find out? Will he be caught purging in the schools bathroom? What if he can't purge?

"Um...I'm not...hungry." He mumbles, squeezing through a crowd of freshman. Antonio determinedly trails after him.

"Okay, but what if I said I don't believe you?" He grinned, holding up the container.

Now, Lovino tends to snap at people on occasions such as these. It didn't matter who they were. He turned to Antonio and whispered angrily, "Look here you fucking annoying-ass prick. I don't want any of your damn food. Now fuck off." Antonio's smile faded and Lovino left him standing in the hall. It was best this way.

He pondered whether he should read outside again, or maybe, even in the parking lot. He decided on parking lot, and was just about to walk out the front doors, when he was called out to.

"You there! Where d'you think you're going?"

He sighed exasperatedly, turning to glare at the teacher that stopped him. "What?" He spat.

The teacher seemed ruffled at his attitude. "All students stay in the cafeteria or courtyard during lunch break. You can't go outside, there's cars out there that could hit you."

Lovino now fully turned to the teacher and said through clenched teeth. "That's a stupid rule! This isn't a prison, and you can't keep me locked up. I'm not a moron, I wasn't going to just lay on the road and wait for someone to run me over."

The teacher sharpened his glare and crossed his arms, making his stance more intimidating. "Cafeteria. Now." He demanded.

Lovino stood frozen on the spot, looking from the asshole teacher, back to the cafeteria doors. He could feel his arms stiffen and his palms get sweaty. He was scared.

He tried to keep up his brave front, and glared back at the teacher. "I'm not going in there." He growled.

"Then I guess it's a detention for you." The teacher sneered at him. "A detention with me after school, and guess what? You still have to go in the cafeteria. So hurry up before I call your parents."

"Oh, there you are! I've been looking all over the place for you!" A voice Lovino instantly recognized chimed in from the side.

Lovino turned and sure enough, there was Antonio, smiling and still holding that goddamn container up.

"We're busy, Fernandez." The teacher told him sternly.

Antonio frowned, looking between Lovino and the teacher. "Actually, it's Carriedo...and I think this concerns me." He said, standing beside Lovino.

The teacher looked affronted, and grimaced. "How does this concern you, _Carriedo_?" He asked, saying Antonio's last name with another sneer.

Antonio didn't look deterred in the slightest. He simply smiled. "You see, I asked Lovino if he could get something from my car, which is parked in the student parking lot. He didn't mean any harm. He's quiet, and has a hard time communicating, so you'll have to excuse him."

The teacher huffed. "Well, since you're here, he can go back to the cafeteria while you get the things from your car." He said, focusing on Lovino.

Antonio laughed. "Actually, I don't know where said thing is. Only Lovino does, and I'm bad with descriptions. It would be faster if he just came with me."

The teacher rolled his eyes. "In that case, I'm coming with you-"

At that exact moment, there was a loud commotion, a fight, in front of the cafeteria doors. The asshole teacher in front of them groaned and pointed to the two of them as he started running to stop the fight. "You two wait there. I'll be right back."

Lovino frowned, turning and pushing the doors open. Antonio followed after him.

"Good thing I came just in time, huh?" He said happily.

"Whatever. You should've just minded your own damn business." Lovino grumbled.

Antonio glanced behind them, grabbing Lovino's hand and pulling him with him. "Wha-!? Hey!"

"I didn't lie when I said I had a car parked out here. If you're looking for a quiet place to read, then I offer my car as your place of solitude. Apart from me, that is." Antonio grinned.

They stopped in front of Antonio's car. It wasn't too bad, just a black Chevrolet Camaro. Lovino would even say he was impressed. Not by much though.

Antonio opened the door for him and motioned for him to get inside. Lovino's frown deepened. "How do I know you aren't just some crazy murderer and I'm your next victim?" He grumbled.

Antonio laughed, throwing his head back. "You are hilarious! Look, just get in. I promise I'm not a crazy murderer. Just a guy that wants to chat for a bit." He said hopefully.

Lovino bit his lip, finally giving up and getting into the passengers seat. Antonio closed the door and ran around to the other side, hopping in. He turned on the car and switched on the USB connection. Lovino wasn't surprised when Spanish music resounded through the speakers.

"I thought it would be quiet." He said flatly.

Antonio tilted his head, looking at Lovino in wonder. "It won't be awkward for you?" He asked.

Lovino rolled his eyes and held up his book. "I'm gonna be reading, it doesn't matter to me."

Antonio smiled and nodded, turning off the music. He took out the container of food and opened it. Lovino immediately regretted coming with Antonio, because as soon as the scent hit his nose, his stomach growled. Loudly.

Antonio blinked, staring at Lovino in surprise, and Lovino blushed, refusing to look at him.

"...You weren't hungry?" Antonio said in amusement.

"Shut up and just leave it." Lovino hissed.

Antonio poked the food with his fork, holding up a piece for Lovino to take. "Here, just try a bite." He said. "It's good, I promise. Not to toot my own horn, but I can cook even the most complex of recipes."

Lovino turned away from the fork of food. "Stop, Antonio...please." He mumbled.

Antonio seemed to get the hint, and stopped bothering him immediately. He shrugged and put the forkful in his mouth. "Okay..." He murmured, and continued eating.

They sat in the car peacefully after that. Antonio didn't finish all of the food, and put the container on the dash, almost as if to let Lovino know that it was there if he wanted it. Lovino, however, buried his face in the book, trying not to focus on the smell of the food or Antonio.

Fifteen minutes later, Antonio cleared his throat, getting Lovino's attention. "Class is gonna start." He said, smiling at Lovino as he put his book down. Lovino nodded, getting out as Antonio turned the car off and did the same.

"Let's go in through the back. I bet that teacher is just waiting for us to come back." Antonio said, leading Lovino through the parking lot and behind some buildings. They managed to get in through the back doors of the school.

"Thank you, I guess..." Lovino mumbled, glancing at Antonio shyly.

Antonio grinned from ear-to-ear. "Anytime, Lovi. Tell you what, if you want a good place to read, just go to my car from out these back doors. I'll be waiting for you." He promised, winking as he walked away and blended in with the crowd.

Lovino stood there for a moment, contemplating the idea. He supposed he would take Antonio up on that offer. After all, Antonio didn't bother him about eating after he denied it. And Antonio was quiet. Lovino rushed to class, glad Antonio was so kind as to give him a space to read in peace.


	2. Chapter 2

This is a story focusing more on what Lovino's going through, so as such I've made a few, small changes. I really do want to finish this story, and I plan to. I apologize if I take long breaks when updating, however. Same warnings as last chapter, RxR and I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 2. _'I met this girl named Ana,  
_  
 _She introduced herself today,  
_  
 _She seems so nice and kind,  
_  
 _She says she wants to stay.'_

* * *

"What the hell is wrong with you? Are you pouting? Are you upset?" Lovino's grandfather, Romulus asked desperately that night. Lovino had locked himself up in his room, refusing to eat dinner.

"Just leave me alone, please..." Lovino pleaded. He was curled up on his bed, carefully watching the door and wondering what he would do if his grandfather managed to get in.

"You're setting a horrible example for Feli! I swear he's acting more mature than you by the day! Almost a week and a half without dinner, what are you trying to prove!?" Romulus growled angrily. With one more try at the door handle, he left.

Lovino sat there, contemplating what had just happened. There was no way he could leave his room now. He doubted his grandfather would forget all about this in the morning.

He curled into himself more, feeling incredibly alone. Of course his grandfather wouldn't understand. Of course he would only make things harder for him. Even now, he dreaded waking up tomorrow, for fear of what his grandfather would say or do next.

~oO0Oo~

"How's school going sweetie?"

Antonio was seated at the dinner table, beside his brother, Afonso. His mother had just sat down across from them and asked Antonio the question.

"Oh...it's good. Gil and Francis are still causing trouble, but we've been getting our work done." Antonio answered thoughtfully as he took a bite of their meal. Spaghetti- Antonio's favorite that just so happened not to be Spanish food.

His mother smiled, then turned to his brother. "And you? Afonso? How is school going for you?"

Afonso shrugged. "It's doing okay. I hate math, but I can pull through...I think."

Their mother smiled and glanced at the clock. "Your father sure is running late today. He must be held up at work." She murmured with a frown.

Antonio nodded, but his mind had wandered to the boy he'd been meeting at lunch. The boy who never ate and liked to read books. Antonio wanted to know more about him. "Hey...mom? How long can someone go without eating?" His gaze fixated on his mother curiously.

She looked surprised, and cocked her eyebrow questioningly. "Well, I think it's about three weeks..."

Antonio felt a strange pang in his stomach, like a sudden wave of worry and concern. He took a quick drink from his cup and grabbed his plate, getting up from the table. "I'm done. Thanks mom it was good." He said in a rush as he washed his plate and silverware, then ran up to his room. He kicked the door closed and was at his desk in seconds. He opened his browser and looked up "Symptoms like not eating"

Antonio spent almost an hour, looking through different websites and reading about a word that came up often. Anorexic.

~oO0Oo~

The next day Lovino walked miserably to his classes. What with his grandfather yelling at him the entire morning. Lovino swore he seemed less concerned about him for not eating and more concerned at the fact that he was wasting food.

He sat through his first class, ignoring the boy next to him that had tried to strike up a friendly conversation. He thought he heard the name "Matthew," but he couldn't bring himself to care. The more days that passed, the more detached he became. He could feel it, too. He used to be excited for lunch, even if all he did was read books. But now, he wanted nothing more than to sleep the entire day…or week.

When lunch rolled around, he did as was his regular routine. He grabbed his bag, which contained nothing more than his books for the afternoon and the book he was going to read while Antonio sat beside him.

He exited the building through the back doors and made his way down to the parking lot. While walking, his legs felt a little more wobbly than usual. He was planning to stop and rest, but a voice behind him made him jump.

"What's wrong with you?"

He quickly turned to see Antonio's friend, Gilbert. He was frowning at Lovino, looking him up and down. "Look, I'll walk with you to Antonio's ride. That's where you're going, right?" He asked as he casually took Lovino's bag from him and began walking ahead of him.

Lovino glowered. "I'm not weak, I can carry my own shit." He growled out.

"I'm sure you can. Must be why your pale face is flushed and why you're breathing pretty heavily." Gilbert said with a shrug.

Lovino followed behind him, eyeing Gilbert wearily. "What are you doing out here, by the way?" Lovino decidedly asked.

Gilbert shrugged. "Francis isn't here today, so I figured why not check and see what Antonio's up to? Of course, I already know he hangs out with you during lunch. You two seem peachy all of a sudden." He murmured as they approached Antonio's car. Antonio got out and ran up to meet them.

"Lovi! Are you okay? Maybe I should park closer..." He said as he placed a palm on Lovino's cheek.

Lovino's cheeks reddened even more and he tried to slap Antonio's hand away. "What- What the fuck do you think you're doing!? I'm fine. Just leave me alone." He grumbled, walking past Antonio and climbing into the passengers seat.

Antonio smiled despite himself, then turned to Gilbert. "Huh? Is that Lovi's bag?" He asked, noticing it slung over one shoulder on Gilbert.

"Oh- yeah, he looked like he was having trouble carrying it. It's not even that heavy. Maybe he's out of shape, I dunno." Gilbert shrugged as he handed Antonio the bag.

"I came to see what you are up to, but I can see that you need some space. I can also see that you're trying to put the moves on mr. hothead over there." Gilbert said amusedly.

Antonio felt a blush creep up the back of his neck. "Not exactly, I'm just worried."

"Sure. Call it what you like." And with that, Gilbert was making his way back up to the school.

After watching his friend go, Antonio got into his car as well. He was surprised when he found a very much asleep Lovino curled up into the seat next to him. Antonio figured that this was probably the only time he'd be able to take in all of Lovino's features.

He saw that Lovino had very faint, hardly-there freckles that littered his nose and parts of his cheeks. His eyelashes were long and fluttered as he breathed. Antonio could've remembered Lovino being darker, but now his skin seemed pale. Actually, now that Antonio thought about it, Lovino overall seemed frail and weak. His hair had also lost some sort of glow that it once had.

Antonio's gaze traveled down to his body and the word he had been researching so much about popped into his head. Lovino was indeed anorexic. His clothes seemed baggy and his stomach was getting flatter and flatter. It made Antonio wonder why no one else was taking notice. Obviously, Lovino was sick.

But Antonio wanted to know why. Why was Lovino doing this to himself? Was he really that insecure about himself? What happened to make him start this awful journey down a dangerous path?

Antonio glanced at the time, their lunch break was half over. Hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, Antonio began to pull out of the parking lot.

~oO0Oo~

A bumpy road awoke Lovino from his slumber. He stirred, stretching and yawning before sitting up in the passenger's seat and rubbing his eyes from sleep.

Then he recognized Antonio in the driver's seat. Then he didn't recognize where the hell they were.

"What the fuck!?" Lovino tried to shout, but it was slightly slurred with sleep.

Antonio smiled at Lovino brightly. "Morning Lovi! Well, afternoon, actually." He said conversationally as he drove.

Lovino looked around him, nothing but forest. "Antonio….where the fuck are we going?" He growled angrily.

"It's a surprise~" Antonio answered excitedly.

"But- But school-"

"School is always there, Lovi. Besides, I didn't have the heart to wake you." Antonio interrupted him.

Finding no reason to argue further, Lovino sat back and watched the trees whip by. They were on a dirt road, heading out to the forest. Sounds like something from a horror movie. Images of Antonio pulling over, grabbing an axe and chasing Lovino flashed through his head. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Um...you're not planning on killing me, are you?"

Antonio glanced at him with wide eyes. "What!? Of course not!" He actually chuckled. "You're so silly, Lovi. No, sorry to disappoint, but I'm not a murderer."

Lovino huffed, crossing his arms and sulking. This should scare him, it should make him demand Antonio to turn around and take him back to the school. But instead, Lovino felt better, like he could actually breathe.

He wasn't paying attention when Antonio had pulled over. Perking, Lovino looked at his surroundings once more. There was still enough trees that provided a nice shade. As Antonio got out of the car, the sound of rushing water filled Lovino's ears. He looked at Antonio and followed his lead in getting out of the car too. Beside the road was a nice riverbank that had patches of grass, sand and rocks. A semi-large rock sat at the very edge of the river. Antonio motioned for Lovino to follow him.

"What- Antonio...where are we?" Lovino asked as Antonio led him to the rock. It was in the sun regretfully, but Lovino couldn't bring himself to mind.

"Just a place my parents used to bring my brother and I to. We used to fish here. We even camped out here once. Also, Gilbert, Francis and I like to come out here every once in a while to hang out." He answered thoughtfully, a content smile on his face.

They sat at the edge, their feet dangling over the side. The river here was slow and calm and Lovino watched as little bugs flew around the riverbed.

"...It's nice out here." Lovino murmured. He only wished he knew how they'd gotten here.

Antonio seemed happy to hear that, and he hummed in agreement. "Y'know, this part is kind of deep. Nice place to swim...you can swim, can't you?" He asked with a smirk.

Lovino's eyes narrowed and he scooted away. "Oh hell no. There's no way I'm getting in there. But to answer your stupid question, yes. I can." He said firmly.

Antonio sighed dramatically. "It was worth a shot." He murmured defeatedly as he leaned sideways until he dropped into the water with a splash that got Lovino wet.

"Wha- Antonio!" Lovino shouted accusingly, wiping water from his cheek.

Antonio popped back up, his hair flattened and his bangs in his eyes. He brought two hands to push his hair back and he grinned up at Lovino. "It's not that cold. You should jump in!" He said excitedly.

Lovino frowned, eyeing Antonio suspiciously. "...This is deep?" He asked.

Antonio nodded, beckoning Lovino. "Of course it is! Now c'mon!"

Lovino rolled his eyes but decided to listen to Antonio. He pushed himself off the edge of the rock and jumped into the river. He came back up seconds later and pushed his bangs from his eyes as Antonio had done.

"Okay, now what?" He asked, trying to frown, but Antonio could see his eyes shining brighter than before.

Instead of answering him, Antonio splashed him in the face, giggling as he did so.

Lovino wiped his eyes and was actually grinning. He splashed Antonio as revenge and Antonio laughed delightedly.

They continued doing so, laughing and shrieking happily as they did. Almost an hour passed and Lovino was sitting in the shallow part of the river, watching Antonio swim idly on his back.

"Your car's gonna get wet." Lovino commented as he brought his knees up to his chest.

Antonio swam towards him, a big smile on his face. "I don't mind. I got towels in the back too. Though, I don't think I thought to bring extra clothes..." He admitted, with a laugh.

Lovino smiled and sunk lower into the water. This was the first time in several months he's felt alive. He could feel his heart actually beating in his chest and his skin prickle when a small gust of wind hit it.

The two swam for a few more minutes until they decided they'd had enough. Lovino sat on the rock, drenched from head to toe. Antonio however, made his way up to his car, searching for the towels. Lovino was relieved to say the least when Antonio wrapped one around him and sat next to him on the rock. They were still dripping wet, but it felt nice. The sun was beating down on them, warming them up.

"We'll never get dry like this." Antonio said as he pulled his shirt over and off. He laid it down on the rock and began drying himself with the towel. "Why don't you do the same, Lovi?" He asked, looking at how soaked Lovino still was.

He shook his head, willing the blush away once he saw Antonio. "No. I'm good like this." He said and wrapped the towel more firmly around himself.

Antonio frowned. "Lovi, you might get sick. How about just the shirt? You can still wrap the towel around yourself." He suggested, smiling kindly at Lovino.

Lovino shifted slightly, narrowing his eyes. "Don't look." He told him firmly.

"Of course." Antonio complied, turning away. He heard the rustle of wet clothes. Then he heard Lovino cough and murmur, "Alright...you can look now."

Antonio turned back around, grinning at Lovino. Both of their shirts were drying in the sunlight, droplets of water were running down the rock and back into the river.

Antonio noticed a part of shoulder peeking out from Lovino's towel. His hair was still wet and it stuck to his neck and face as it dripped. His eyes were still bright, golden irises with flecks of green. His long eyelashes fluttered against his cheek as he blinked.

Antonio didn't want to ruin the moment, he really didn't. But there was a reason he brought Lovino all the way out here. Clearing his throat and effectively catching Lovino's attention, he began. "So...I, um… I was browsing the internet last night..." He murmured nervously.

Lovino scoffed. "Good for you." He shot back jokingly.

Antonio smiled, but resumed his solemn expression soon after. "Lovi… I want to know… Why do you feel the need to starve yourself?"

Lovino's reaction was immediate. His entire demeanor changed and he tensed, glaring at Antonio angrily. "I don't want to talk about it." He said through gritted teeth.

Antonio shook his head, inching closer. "Lovi, I looked it up last night. It's an illness, one that no one seems to be taking the time to help cure. Please, I want to help you." He pleaded, reaching out.

Lovino smacked his hand away, but remained where he sat, despite Antonio moving closer. "Fuck you Antonio, you planned all this!" He shouted.

"Only because I'm worried about you. I want to help. I don't want anything bad to happen to you, Lovi." Antonio said calmly, closing the distance between them and wrapping his arms around Lovino's lithe body.

"Stop...Antonio...s-stop..." Lovino said breathlessly, pushing Antonio away with no real force.

But Antonio didn't back down, he only held Lovino tighter. "I'm here for you Lovi. Even if you think you're alone, I'm here." He whispered into his hair.

A sob racked through Lovino's body. He felt his arms return the embrace, gripping Antonio desperately. Antonio began running his fingers though Lovino's hair, hoping to soothe him as he began to cry.

Antonio's chest clenched as Lovino cried hard, deep sobs that shook his entire body and tears that continued to drip on his shoulder. His sobs were loud so that they echoed through the forest, pretty much draining out the noise of rushing water from the river. Antonio didn't relax his hold in the slightest, he hushed Lovino gently and soothed him until the sobs turned into incessant sniffling.

The forest now seemed quieter without Lovino's sobs, but the air seemed lighter. Antonio knew Lovino sensed it as well. Finally, Lovino cleared his throat and kept his eyes downcast. "...I don't...I don't like...myself." He murmured quietly.

Antonio couldn't believe that someone as beautiful as Lovino would even think such a thing, but he kept quiet as Lovino continued. "I- I can't take it anymore. Do you know how it feels when people only recognize you as the 'bigger brother'? Feli is small, petite. Everybody compares me to him. Plus, every time I look into the mirror… I can't do it anymore, Antonio." He sobbed, burying his face in his hands.

He didn't know what came over him. His body acted on its own as he leaned closer, hooking his fingers under Lovino's chin and lifting it so he could look at him. He connected their lips in a gentle kiss. It tasted like salt from lovino's tears, but Antonio didn't mind. Especially when Lovino kissed back.


	3. Chapter 3

Finally, the next chapter is uploaded! This chapter is slightly longer than the others, I hope you guys don't mind. There is more angst, don't question me about the genre of the fic, I can't answer you. Anyway, here's some notes for the new chapter!:

*Trigger warnings. Major trigger warnings.

*Some info about Lovino's illness, which I got all facts from the site "Eating Disorder Hope"

*Bullying in a indirect form.

*A little bit of yandere!Spain

With that, I'll let you guys continue reading. RxR

* * *

Chapter 3. "I know this girl named Ana,

She's so perfect and it's true,

I'm so fat compared to her,

But she'll make me skinny too."

* * *

Lovino's eyes were a little red and puffy when they were getting back into Antonio's car. Laying the towels on the seats, they climbed in and Antonio began to drive back into town.

Only problem was, neither of them were speaking. Lovino tried desperately to fight off the blush staining his cheeks. He didn't dare glance at Antonio. The whole thing seemed awkward...Lovino cringed as he thought about just how hard he had cried in Antonio's arms.

Then there was that kiss.

Lovino was sure he was blushing madly, and decided to look out the window.

However, the silence only lasted a couple more moments before Antonio spoke up. "Can I tell you something?"

Lovino perked, and turned to face Antonio without thinking. He didn't seem to care for looking at Lovino at the moment, so he relaxed a bit. "S-sure…." He murmured, wondering why Antonio was being so serious.

"I'm not the sort of guy that will just help out people because I can." Antonio began. "But the second I saw you, I knew I've seen a situation similar before. There was this girl...I'm sure you've heard of her at some point, but Francis really liked her. She was beautiful. One day, she stopped eating at lunch and instead chose to read in the school's lounge or something. She started getting thinner and because she was my friend, I tried to stop her...even going so far as to report it. Francis tried everything he could to help her as well, but it backfired on the two of us."

A small pause, Lovino remained silent.

"She refused to speak to us from then on and even went as far as to change schools. Though, she never actually got to move. She died before she moved in with her grandparents." Antonio said bitterly.

Lovino summed up his courage and reached over to pat Antonio on the shoulder. "You're a good person, Antonio. But I won't die." He tried his best to explain. "I'll stop. Not now, but soon."

Antonio tensed, gripping the steering wheel harder. "That's just it, Lovi. I had a suspicion that what she went through is what you're going through right now. I made the mistake of assuming that. To be honest, even Francis is wondering about you. More than likely, he might confront you about it as well."

Lovino grimaced at the thought. If that French bastard ever tried bringing up something so personal, he was going to punch him in his shitty face.

"Why do you do it…?" Antonio asked sincerely, glancing at Lovino.

"…...It's strange, hearing a question like that coming from you... I'm just not…..good-looking…." Lovino trailed off, barely a whisper.

"Why would you think that?" Antonio asked, frowning.

"Because! No one has ever pulled me aside or pointed out how good I looked before. Now, I get compliments and it's nice. You wouldn't understand because you're...y-you're gorgeous…." Lovino growled back defensively.

He kept his eyes downcast, for fear of what Antonio's expression was. "...I always thought you were beautiful, Lovi. You are the best person to look at and your personality is interesting. You're perfect just the way you are." Antonio confessed, a sad look on his features.

"Heard it before, it's all a load of crap." Lovino mumbled.

"Maybe not today, but I'll do my best to make you see. You are perfect, at least in my eyes. Don't you understand, Lovi? I like you...a lot. I've liked you for a while, actually." Antonio said, giving the Italian next to him a small smile.

Lovino crossed his arms defiantly. "Antonio, there are about a thousand, a million other people that are way better than me."

"Nope. I'm sure that there's no one exactly like you out there, Lovi. I love everything about you, and if a person doesn't have at least one thing you have, then they are obviously not as great." Antonio said easily.

Now Lovino was flustered. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, biting his lip in a last attempt to not blush madly. Even his heart was pounding wildly in his chest as no one's ever complimented him like that before.

"So about that kiss earlier." Antonio began, the smile on his face growing slightly.

Lovino wanted the seat to open up and swallow him. "U-um…Yeah...that..." He tried, but couldn't think of anything to say.

"I hope you know that that was a sincere, honest-to-god, 'I want you to be my boyfriend' kinda kiss." Antonio said cheekily.

Lovino couldn't help it. He buried his face in his hands as he felt the blush staining his cheeks make its way up to his ears. He could hear Antonio laughing beside him. The bastard… Still, he knew that that was his cue to answer. "…You're settling for me." He stated.

"Not settling. More like, wondering if I'm worthy enough to date you. And if you can't tell, I'm actually very much crushing on you. Seriously, I don't think I've liked another human being as much." Antonio said jokingly, lips pulling into a grin.

Lovino peeked out from his fingers to see that Antonio was now turning on some music. A nice, acoustic flowed from the speakers and Lovino felt himself relax substantially. Antonio was very considerate.

"Oh yeah, phone." Antonio suddenly said, holding his hand out to Lovino, who looked at him confusedly. He chuckled softly and nudged closer. "Phone, I'll put my number in and you can call or text me at anytime."

Lovino pulled his phone out from his bag and placed it on Antonio's outstretched hand faster than he would've liked to admit. Nevertheless, a feeling of elation bubbled through him as Antonio quickly began entering his phone number. Once finished, he handed it back to Lovino, seeming to be in high-spirits. Even more so than before.

Lovino gripped the phone tightly. Antonio really was there for him. He really seemed to like Lovino… Thinking about it made him smile. He has someone to count on, for once.

~oO0Oo~

The bell rang just as Antonio pulled into the school parking lot. Quickly clambering out of the car, Lovino set off for home, waving Antonio goodbye as he did so. He caught up with his little brother who eyed him suspiciously as they walked together.

"...You weren't at school..." He pointed out.

Lovino glared at his brother. "Yeah, and don't tell grandpa. He's the last person that needs to know." He snapped.

Feliciano frowned and gently tugged on Lovino's sleeve. "You're hair's messy and you smell funny…. And you got out of Antonio's ride looking extremely happy...don't you see how that looks?"

"Don't you see how much of an idiot you're being right now!?" Lovino growled in annoyance, walking a little faster.

"I-I'm sorry….it's just...I'm worried about you. You don't tell me as much anymore. I feel like there's a gap between us that wasn't there before..." Feliciano murmured sadly, trying to keep up with his brother.

It wasn't before long that Lovino stopped, sitting down on the pavement and panting heavily. His cheeks were strangely flushed and he looked exhausted. Feliciano kneeled down beside him, fumbling to take out a bottle of water from his bag. "Are you okay? Here, I think I have some water in here...Aha!" He said as he pulled it out and handed it to Lovino.

Lovino tried to glare, but felt that it wasn't worth it. He was too tired anyway. He snatched the bottle from out of Feliciano's hand and drank some, water trickling down his chin as he did so.

Feliciano watched him anxiously at his side, looking around every so often. "…Maybe we should call an ambulance..." He murmured.

"What the fuck!? What emergency is there to report!?" Lovino shot back angrily. His legs trembled slightly as he pushed himself up, Feliciano helping him as he did so. Once on his feet, he jerked his hand away, glaring at his brother. "Leave me alone, Feli. It's fine. Everything's fine."

~oO0Oo~

Day six with no calories whatsoever.

Lovino added a small happy face at the corner of his notebook where he had just written his statistics. He smiled lightly and rolled onto his side on his bed. He still hadn't text Antonio yet. He was nervous to, but somewhere deep down, he knew that Antonio would definitely be happy to receive a text from him. Lovino's fingers brushed against his phone, debating if he should tonight. There was no reason to. Maybe he could just call and say it was accidental...no, that wouldn't work.

He could hear his grandfather downstairs cooking dinner. Nowadays, he's been leaving food outside his door. Lovino usually dumps it out the window, then takes it back into the kitchen. So far his grandfather seems to buy it.

Deciding that there was nothing to do, he pushed himself up and walked over to the mirror, taking in his features. His cheeks thinned out and they didn't look as pudgy anymore. His ribcage could be seen and his hipbones protruded more. His collarbone also seemed to be more visible and he was earning a small thigh gap. There was just a little more fat around his stomach and legs. It shouldn't be long now…

He yawned, rubbing his eyes as he undressed and climbed into bed. He was sleeping a lot more now, he realized with weak growl of his stomach.

~oO0Oo~

"Pep rally?"

"Yup!~ All afternoon classes are cancelled right now!" Antonio exclaimed as he walked with a bounce in his step.

Lovino grimaced. He hated things like that. It was just annoying and tiring. "Do we have to go?" He asked solemnly.

Antonio chuckled, inching a hand around Lovino's waist. "Well, we could always skip? I really don't care for them too." He said cheerfully.

Lovino swat his hand away as he mulled it over. "…I guess it wouldn't hurt to miss out on a pep rally...Especially if we don't get caught..." He thought aloud.

"Wonderful~ Meet me outside the gym and we'll go somewhere else." Antonio smiled, leaning in and placing a quick peck on Lovino's cheek.

The Italian blushed bright red, pushing Antonio away before he could go in for another one. "Y-you-! D-don't do that!" He cried embarrassedly.

Antonio laughed, practically skipping away. "Okay, okay. See you babe!"

Lovino's heart skipped a beat at the new pet name and he quickly began walking to his next class.

As he was walking, he ran into Francis, who was grabbing things from his locker. "Oh! Lovino! Hey-" He greeted, offended when Lovino continued to walk past him. "I was talking to you!" He grabbed Lovino by the arm, stopping him from walking away any further.

"Just leave me alone! And let go of me, that hurts!" Lovino growled, trying to feebly yank his arm away.

"Uh...Yeah, sorry!" Francis jumped, releasing his arm. "I just- I wanted to talk with you."

Lovino rolled his eyes and hoisted his bag on his shoulder better. "Yeah, and I'm sure that whatever it is, it can be said at a later date. But right now, I don't want to be late for class." He said sarcastically as he resumed walking away.

"But-! But it's about your next class-!" Francis shouted, but Lovino was already past the doors that led to the class hallways.

Lovino arrived at his class in a particularly bad mood now. He plopped down on his desk and began unloading his things, placing his notebook on his desk and taking a pen out from his pocket. As the rest of the class began filing in, the teacher decided to turn on the powerpoint.

"Right, so now that you're all here, I'll explain today's schedule. As you all know, today is sort of like a kickstart for next week's spirit week for the entire school. There's a pep rally scheduled this afternoon too." Some people in the class grinned eagerly. "But, as we are preparing for spirit week, there will be no class for today." The class erupted in a cheer, people getting up from their chairs and throwing their bags over their shoulders. "Wait, wait! There will be no class, but instead, a presentation!" The teacher hurried to explain.

As she said this, a young woman in about her 20's came into the classroom. She had big, green eyes and red lipstick. Her shirt was pale blue and her black skirt fluttered around her ankles. Her hair was short with a headband that was keeping it mostly in place. She smiled and placed all her things out on the small table near the projector. "Hi! I'm Katyusha Braginskaya! Wonderful to meet all of you!" She smiled and looked at the class.

Lovino wanted to go to sleep. He yawned as the woman started setting up. Finally, after about five minutes, the lights were turned off and she put up the first slide of the powerpoint.

Lovino froze, his eyes widening. In big, bold lettering, the title read:

 **Tragedy of American Schools: Eating Disorders and Bullying**

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, feeling increasingly uneasy.

"Well, I guess we are going to start!" Katyusha announced. She clicked the button which pulled up the second slide. "As you all know, 50% of teenage girls and 30% of teenage boys participate in unhealthy weight loss activities. .9% of women will struggle with anorexia nervosa, 1.5% bulimia nervosa, and 3.5% binge eating. As for men, .3% of men for anorexia nervosa, .5% with bulimia nervosa, and 2% with binge eating. This is becoming an increasingly problematic topic, especially in American schools. Now, who can tell me what anorexia nervosa is?" Katyusha asked, looking to the class expectantly.

One boy raised his hand. "It's when you don't eat anything." he said.

Katyusha nodded approvingly. "Yes, it is-"

"Why wouldn't you eat anything? If someone wanted to lose weight, couldn't they just work out?" One girl piped up.

"W-well, that's not-" Katyusha attempted to explain, but was interrupted yet again.

"Yeah! They're just taking the easy way out! While some of us hardworking people actually do something about it." Another girl said with an annoyed tone of voice.

"Maybe they wouldn't have to lose weight if they just didn't get fat in the first place." A boy from across the room chuckled. Some of the class laughed in response.

Lovino was clenching his hands tightly in his hair. Desperately trying to drain out what the other students were saying. He felt tears spilling over and he did his best to repress a sob.

Katyusha looked incredulous. She changed the slide quickly. The next displayed a video. The title read: My Anorexia Story.

As the video played and the jeering from the class slowly died down, Lovino felt sicker than he had before. He wanted it to stop. He wanted to get up and leave. But, he realized with a sinking feeling, he still had tears rapidly coming down his cheeks. Everyone would see him. Everyone would know.

"I got thinner and thinner, I finally had a thigh gap. I finally knew what it felt like to be pretty..." The video went on.

Lovino clenched his eyes shut and silently begged that it could just be over. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear what other people had to say. He didn't want to hear treatment options, or his class talking about it.

"I woke up in a hospital, connected to an IV..." The video continued loudly.

He couldn't take anymore. Quickly standing up, he walked hurriedly out of the room. "Bathroom." He hastily murmured at Katyusha as she looked at him questioningly. Once he was out of the classroom, he bolted down the hall, wiping his tears away as he went.

Antonio was probably still in class. He's busy. Lovino thought as he snuck out the backdoors, running past the fencing and to the gym building. He ran around to the back and finally sank down to his knees when he was sure he was completely alone. A sob racked his body. Maybe his classmates were right. It was his fault. It was his fault that he was so weak and even now, he can see that he still isn't as thin as he wants to be. He's still fat. He touched his stomach, his thighs, his arms...everywhere he touched or prodded or pinched, he still felt fat.

"Lovino?"

The voice made him jump and he quickly started to wipe his eyes.

"Lovino...What's wrong?" He knew that voice. What was that bastard Francis doing here!?

He tried to punch him, his arms swinging aimlessly behind him. "Get the fuck away from me! I want to be alone!" He screamed, thrashing as Francis grabbed a hold of his arm.

"Now, now...Calm down, Lovino. Here, let's call Toni, shall we?" Francis said soothingly, carefully taking out his phone.

Lovino let out sobs and sniffles as Francis called Antonio. He would've thought he'd be in class. He kept his head down and refused to look at the Frenchman beside him. Even as Francis perked and greeted hurriedly.

"Yes, hello. Get down here asap. We have a situation right now. No, it's not that- it's Lovino. Come qui-" Even from the distance between him and Francis, he heard the dial tone.

Francis sighed and fixed his gaze on Lovino. "He's coming. Hold on for a few minutes." He murmured reassuringly.

Lovino curled in on himself, hiding his face and continued crying. He couldn't get his classmates comments out of his head. He knew they were true. Antonio was sure to grow tired of him, maybe even think he was ugly in the future. There was only one way to escape it. Lovino cried harder and Francis tried to console him, only to be slapped away harshly. "Don't fucking touch me!" Lovino shouted, rapidly trying to wipe away the tears that never seemed to stop falling.

It didn't take long before he heard rapidly approaching footsteps. "Lovi! Are you okay? I'm here." Antonio immediately said as he kneeled beside Lovino, trying to gently nudge his chin up so he could look at him.

When Lovino didn't budge and instead curled further into himself, he heard Francis say behind Antonio, "I'm guessing it was that powerpoint presentation they were doing in all of the English classes." He said with a hint of sadness in his voice.

"What presentation?" Antonio asked cluelessly. Warm, gentle hands encircled around Lovino and pulling him closer.

"An eating disorder presentation. I figured it could be triggering, especially to him." Francis answered.

One of Antonio's hands rubbed soothing circles with his fingers on Lovino's back. He frowned when he felt Lovino's spine protruding. "Oh, Lovi...I'm sorry, I should've known. Please stop crying." He murmured gently, kissing Lovino's head.

"Maybe we should get his brother…?" Francis began, but Lovino shook his head rapidly.

"Lovi, he deserves to know. C'mon, you can trust your own brother, can't you?" Antonio asked in a whisper.

Lovino chose not to respond. He was beginning to think he didn't care anymore. There was no point. He probably won't ever be as thin as those other people. He will never be skinny enough. Another sob that sounded painful racked through him, causing Antonio to hold him tighter than ever.

"Okay, shh, shh...it's okay. Let it all out, I'm right here for you. I'm here for you, Lovi." Antonio began to say softly, running his fingers through Lovino's hair.

The bell rang in the distance, signaling the start of lunch break. After lunch the pep rally is supposed to begin. Antonio glanced at his friend, who was sitting a few feet away with his back leaning against the wall of the building. "...You don't have to stay, Francis. I've got this covered." Antonio offered.

Francis smiled a little, and nodded nevertheless. "I can take a hint for privacy." He said, standing up and walking away with a wave. "I believe in you, Lovino." He said encouragingly as he turned around the corner and walked away.

~oO0Oo~

It wasn't like yesterday. Antonio wasn't holding him like before. Lovino realized that Antonio was gently rocking him, kissing his head every so often and whispering something near his ear.

"I love you...I love you...I love you..."

Lovino's eyelids fluttered shut and he buried his face in Antonio's neck, breathing in the smell of him. He did find comfort in it. Antonio smelled like fresh earth and sun. It was nice.

"…I'm fat."

The words left Lovino's mouth before he could stop them. Antonio stopped rocking him, his head lifting to look at him with frustrated, but sad looking eyes. He cupped Lovino's face, caressing his cheeks and kissed the tip of his nose. "No, you're not. You're perfect. You're beautiful." He said it like it was a fact.

Lovino sniffled, tearing his gaze away from Antonio's. "Y-you're persistent. Normal people would've decided that I'm too much trouble... They would've become annoyed." He murmured weakly.

Antonio smiled a little. "You're worth everyday of my entire life and then some."

Lovino blushed, a single tear rolling down his cheek, but Antonio's thumb swiped it away. "You're insane. We haven't even dated a week and you act like it's been years."

"Ah, but I just have a strong feeling that we'll be together for a lot longer than that. I'd like to think more along the lines of decades." Antonio said, making Lovino wonder if he was just being humorous, or if he was being completely serious. He decided not to question it.

"That powerpoint..." Lovino began.

"...What happened in that class, Lovi?" Antonio asked, his face suddenly becoming very serious.

"….T-the other students...they were saying things..."

"Who?" The tone Antonio used made Lovino quickly explain.

"N-nobody in particular! Calm down!" He stammered nervously, noticing how Antonio's eyes became dark. "I-it was just...it was all true." He continued.

"What was true?" Antonio asked again, his voice slightly softer now.

"It's my fault...I'm fat, it's my fault I'm fat. It's my fault that I'm ugly and disgusting..." Lovino tried saying in a neutral tone, but his voice broke and he felt the lump in his throat once more.

Antonio kissed his forehead. "No, it's not. It's not your fault and you are not fat, ugly or disgusting. I can't stress enough how beautiful you are. Everyone can see it, plain as day."

Lovino wrapped his arms around Antonio's shoulders, clinging to him. He said nothing, but Antonio didn't mind. He was more than happy that Lovino was now depending on him more. But as he held Lovino, whispering sweet nothings in his ear and rubbing his back soothingly, he felt something in the pit of this stomach. Like anger boiling and rising at the thought of people making Lovino cry and hurting him. His fingers clenched around Lovino which caused the small Italian to hiss in pain.

"That hurts!" Lovino said, pushing against Antonio.

"Ah, sorry….I...I just love you too much..." Antonio answered hastily.

"Well, you're love hurts right now!" Lovino growled irritably.

"Sorry!" Antonio apologized, releasing him and holding his hands up.

Lovino frowned, his red, puffy eyes making him look especially tired. "Whatever..." He murmured, leaning against Antonio once more. "Just ease up on the hugging..."

"Okay." Antonio agreed. Lovino felt like he could snap with the slightest pressure. He was so frail now… "...So who was all in that class?"


	4. Chapter 4

This fic happens to mean a lot to me, so I plan on working hard to get this one finished. I love reading all of your reviews, you guys are seriously awesome! And I thought I would just say that if any one of you are going though what Lovino is going through, I'm here. Just PM me and I'll chat with you.

There are major triggers in this fic, but I want members of the fandom that go through eating disorders to understand that there is hope. I hope I'm getting that message through to you guys. I myself didn't have much support or help from family. It was never actually addressed, and I still have bad thoughts about it today. However, I did find lots of people in the fandom that were more than happy to talk to me. I'm grateful for members of the Hetalia fandom that helped me get over it. Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there. But in case any of you are wondering, Lovino's experiences are different from mine. I don't like to self insert in my stories, but in order to get accurate feelings of what he's going through, I did put some of my own thoughts in there.

That's it about me though. On with the story! This one is slightly longer than the others, but I hope you guys don't mind. RxR and what not~

* * *

Chapter 4. _"I'm friends with this girl called Ana,_

 _I've started eating less,_

 _Hating the person in the mirror,_

 _My life's become a mess."_

* * *

On the worst days, you feel as though your stomach is going to rip itself open and you are constantly keeling over in pain. You look down to your arms and legs and see hairs sprouting from them. That's a result of starving yourself. As you continue to not eat, your body is constantly cold. Therefore, your body tries to make up for this by growing more hairs to keep you warm.

Another effect is always being tired. You're constantly out of breath and always seem to feel dizzy or lightheaded. Your hair falls out too. With nothing to sustain it, it begins falling away in clumps. Mornings are always the hardest. You have no energy to even sit upright in bed. If you want to talk about long term effects, then scars are definitely one of them. You will live your entire life with stretch marks on your stomach, which is a result from rapid weight loss. Even if you think you managed to get out of it, without any real help, you never really will.

You could eat an entire week or month like normal, then one day it'll hit you. You won't eat and the thoughts will come flooding back. You won't tell anyone though. That's a secret and a problem only you can handle. It's true when they say "Ana" is a horrible friend that won't go away. She'll keep feeding you thoughts until you waste away or until someone helps you get rid of her. She won't allow you to tell anyone, especially your family. It will be just you and Ana.

On the good days, you get compliments. That's it. That's the only perk. You get to hear everyone compliment on how well you're killing yourself.

And yet nobody takes you seriously.

You might have concerned family members or friends, but on average, they don't tend to take action. Everything is up to you. Until the moment when you're either in the hospital recovering, or on your deathbed. Only then is it when everyone seems to get involved.

I know all of this, I recognize all of this and I know what I have. Yet, I can't seem to stop. It's addicting. It shows how much willpower you truly have and it makes you feel better about yourself. I doubt not a lot of people can understand this. Not unless you have it.

But there's one factor in my life. One person that completely ruined this scenario. He was determined to be involved right from the start, and that's what makes him special. He's my hope.

~oO0Oo~

"We'll help you get better Lovi, you can count on it." Antonio whispered into Lovino's ear as he dropped both him and his brother off. Lovino's grandfather still had no clue that Antonio even existed, and if he were to be honest, Lovino would like to keep it that way. He was concerned that his little brother would've said something, but he seemed preoccupied by Antonio's music to care. Feliciano had been too lazy to walk back home anyway.

Lovino was a little irked that Antonio was now talking about treatment options, but at the same time he felt grateful and loved. Antonio moved closer and kissed him softy on the lips. "I can't decide what I like kissing better." Antonio commented against them, moving to place little pecks across his cheek. "I just love all of you."

Lovino blushed bright red, grabbing his bag and throwing it over his shoulder. "S-stop talking like that, it's embarrassing!" He said hastily as he closed the door and tried to race to the front door. Antonio rolled down the window and called out to him, of course.

"Tomorrow. We'll talk more about it." Antonio shouted.

Lovino stopped halfway through the door, turning and narrowing his eyes at Antonio. "I just said it was embarrassing, idiot." He murmured as he went inside and closed the door behind him.

Antonio laughed and rolled up the window. He didn't mean that, but Lovino sure was cute when he was embarrassed. What Antonio really wanted to talk about was ways they could help Lovino. He was getting much too thin. Why wasn't anyone noticing how sick Lovino is? His skin is pale and he has dark circles around his eyes. Each time Antonio hugs Lovino, he feels fragile and delicate. His bones can be felt even through the layers of clothing he sometimes likes to wear. In order to help Lovino, whether he liked it or not, his little brother was going to have to get involved.

Antonio also had things he wanted to do. Lovino had refused to give names during his class with the presentation. But Antonio was fine with that. He had other ways of finding out. He wanted to know just who it was that caused Lovino to completely break apart like that. It hurt Antonio to think about how unstable he was. But he'd get to the bottom of it eventually, perhaps sooner than anticipated.

~oO0Oo~

Antonio got to school earlier than usual. He yawned as he sipped on his coffee and looked out the window. Students were slowly pouring in. Normally, students head straight for breakfast in the cafeteria when they first arrive at school. Antonio was always curious as to where Lovino went during this time. Early morning sunlight flowed in from the windows and made the small corner Antonio was sitting at brighten with warm hues.

"You look so majestic, sitting there."

Antonio turned to see a person he didn't quite get along with. "Arthur." He frowned as the blond-haired boy sat beside him. He had loads of piercings and was wearing almost all black. His shirt had distorted words that Antonio couldn't make out and his boots had small spikes on the sides.

"Are you waiting for those brothers?" Arthur asked in his annoying British accent. Antonio seriously couldn't understand how it could be so popular to the girls.

"Yeah…I need to talk with one of them." Antonio confirmed. He took another thoughtful sip from his coffee as he looked out the window again.

Arthur hummed in response. The two sat in silence for what felt like minutes, before Arthur sighed loudly and clapped a hand on his leg. "Oh bloody hell I can't take it anymore." Antonio shot him a confused look as Arthur inched closer. "Listen, I know there's something wrong with that little Lovino kid. He's sick."

At that Antonio put the cup down rather harshly, taking on a darker look. "What's it to you? If you dare insult him in front of me, I can promise you a broken nose and some knocked out teeth." He threatened viciously.

Arthur smirked. "Oh ho. I'd love to see you try, but no. That's not what I meant. I...I want help too."

Antonio's facial features relaxed, and he picked his coffee up. "Oh. Is that it? You don't look ill." Antonio said haughtily.

"Not me, my step-brother!" Arthur hissed, nearly punching Antonio in the arm. He stopped halfway, his arm in midair. He seemed to rethink his actions, and let his hand drop to his lap. "He and that older Italian have the same illness, I just know it." He murmured. "...Some students here think that Lovino has cancer or something."

Antonio grimaced. "Some students here are complete morons."

Arthur huffed, standing up. "I'll drop by during lunch. But please, let's work on this together. It's difficult as it is wondering what should and could be done. I'm tired figuring this out alone." Arthur smiled and gave a little wave as he strolled away.

It was as Antonio watched him go that he heard someone calling out to him. He looked to the front doors and saw Feliciano and Lovino. His face broke into a grin and he waved eagerly.

"I don't think I've ever seen you in the morning, Antonio." Feliciano commented as he approached him. Antonio looked behind him, where Lovino was shifting on his feet and yawning.

"Good morning, Lovi." Antonio greeted, a little more cheery than he originally meant to.

The immediate blush he received made his morning about ten times better.

"Lovi hasn't been sleeping well. Even after the sleeping pills he's been taking." Feliciano informed Antonio. Lovino shot his brother a glare and stepped forward.

"I just don't feel tired at night." He grumbled defensively.

Antonio smiled, but was currently wondering how he was going to get Feliciano alone. He supposed he could try and talk with Lovino here...he wondered if he might mind. He didn't like going behind his back anyway.

"Hey Feli, do you want to hang out with me and Lovi during lunch?" He asked, giving Feliciano what he hoped was a friendly smile.

Lovino crossed his arms and huffed, but otherwise didn't object. Feliciano, on the other hand, practically beamed. "I would love to! Lovi will never tell me where he goes off to during lunch! I've been so worried and curious!" He exclaimed.

Antonio nodded, laughing at the younger brother's enthusiasm. Feliciano pulled his bag up onto his shoulder and waved to both Antonio and Lovino. "Well, I have to go. I need to check up on Alfred!" He said brightly as he walked away.

Lovino plopped down beside Antonio as soon as he was gone. "...Why'd you invite my brother?"

To Antonio's great enjoyment, it was Lovino that laced their fingers together. He might as well have labeled this as one of the best mornings of his entire school life. "Oh. I just thought it would be nice-"

"Don't give me that bullshit. I know you want to bring him into this." Lovino snapped. He snatched the cup Antonio was still holding in his other hand, and took a sip of it. "Eww. It's bitter. Anyway, I think he knows, and I don't really mind if he comes and sits with us outside, but **do not** tell him about….incidents..." Lovino decidedly said.

Antonio blinked and tilted his head in confusion. "Incidents?" He asked.

Lovino nodded, handing Antonio his coffee back. "Incidents. With crying. And all that shit. It's embarrassing, and I'd rather forget it ever happened." He murmured.

Antonio nodded, his face breaking into a fond smile. "Of course I won't. It's just between the two of us."

Lovino eyed him suspiciously, slowly nodding in agreement. "Just the two of us." He repeated.

~oO0Oo~

Antonio was nervous. He'd be filling not only Feliciano, Lovino's little brother, in on what was going on, but also his two friends that he knew Lovino didn't exactly get along with. But what the article said was that people who were going through what Lovino was going through needed the support of as many people as possible.

"Pleaseeeeeeee?" Antonio pleaded again, reaching across the desk to repeatedly smack his friend, Gilbert on the shoulder.

Gilbert shrugged him off and rolled his eyes. "Dude, They're serving pizza today! Do you know how rare that is!?"

Antonio continued tapping his shoulder, saying nothing.

Gilbert sighed loudly, once again shrugging Antonio off. "Fine! I'm leaving class early though. I'm not missing out on that pizza." He informed Antonio with a frown.

Antonio practically beamed, and nodded in agreement. Next was Francis, though Antonio knew it wouldn't take much to convince him.

At lunch, they were going to discuss Lovino's illness. Antonio wanted to help. He wanted to understand why Lovino did it to himself and how it even started.

~oO0Oo~

It was obvious what Antonio was doing. It was flattering and really thoughtful, but Lovino highly doubted anything Antonio did was going to help. Every time Lovino reached a goal, such as a thigh gap, he created a new goal to replace the other. There was no end in sight.

He watched, amused as Antonio doodled in his notebook. Which was strange in itself because it was an art class anyway and there was paper provided for them. He lightly touched his hand to get his attention. "Why are you drawing in your notebook? There's paper right beside you." He asked, ignoring Francis and Gilbert's stares.

Antonio paused and looked up, smiling brightly at Lovino. "I draw better in a notebook than I do on drawing paper." He told him easily.

Lovino let a small smile grace his features. "Sure." He murmured amusedly.

With that, Antonio went back to doodling. Lovino had to admit, it did look like a good drawing. Antonio was currently drawing an eyelash on a realistic eye. Lovino was impressed.

However, his smile faded when he thought about how Antonio's efforts will be in vain. He may be trying to help, but honestly Lovino didn't want help. He didn't want treatment options or support. He didn't think he needed it.

After watching Antonio draw for a few more minutes, Lovino came to a decision. He'll play along and see how it goes. It's not like he was going to really listen to whatever it was Antonio was going to say. He didn't understand anything anyway.

~oO0Oo~

"Alright, so ways of recovery. First step: speaking and confiding in an adult." Antonio read aloud. It was Lovino, the French bastard, the creepy red-eyed German, and Lovino's younger brother. If Lovino's nickname's aren't for you, then the people respectively: Lovino, Francis, Gilbert, and Feliciano.

"No. Not gonna happen." Lovino stated flatly as he nudged Antonio's leg with his foot. They were all huddled up in the back of the school. The lunch bell had rang five minutes ago, and Antonio rounded all of them up and forced them to be here. Lovino wasn't exactly mad that he filled Feli and the ugly, older, potato bastard in on what was going on. It surprised him on how comforted he felt when Feli started crying and begging him to get better.

"Fine then. Step two: eat at least once a day, or at least at first. We'll gradually ease you into eating regularly again." Antonio said with a smile once he met Lovino's gaze.

Lovino rolled his eyes and turned away to see what Feli was up to. Currently, he was doodling something in his notebook like Antonio had done. He was very adamant about not letting Lovino see it.

Then the French bastard spoke up. "That's such a simple way of thinking." All eyes turned to him and he grabbed the notebook Antonio had been reading out of. "We don't just say 'Hey, we'll help you get better, here's a burger.' That doesn't work, Antonio." He explained and for once Lovino had to agree with him.

Antonio frowned, snatching the notebook back. "Okay, then what do we do?" He demanded, his eyes locked with Francis'. Lovino seriously bet Antonio thought he was being sneaky, because at the same time he spoke, his fingers slowly intertwined with his. Lovino could feel the blush already forming on his cheeks as he squeezed his hand in return.

"Good thing you asked, because otherwise I wouldn't know how to bring this up." He laughed in relief. "Arthur, you can come out now."

"Oh hell no." Lovino murmured as the blond punk came out from around the corner. He had quite a few piercings in and was wearing almost all black. Lovino tried to read his shirt subtly, but Arthur seemed to notice right away.

"Oh, this is a T-shirt I got from a concert by this one band...um... You probably wouldn't know it though. They're pretty cool, perhaps I'll show you sometime." He murmured as he came up to the group and sat down in-between Francis and Gilbert.

Lovino couldn't think of a response, so he simply nodded. Francis seemed satisfied by their interaction though. "Great! You get along just fine! Antonio here invited Arthur, and I so happen to be best friends with him too so it works out great! Arthur, why don't you introduce yourself properly?"

He spoke with a heavy British accent and Lovino noticed he had the habit of sucking his lip ring into his mouth when he was thinking.

"It's my step-brother. He...he won't eat. He's getting thinner and I don't want to betray his trust, but I also want to get help." Arthur explained. He didn't seem to be talking to the others, only Lovino. Since he kept constant eye contact with him as he spoke.

"That's great! Lovino and Alfred can become friends! Maybe that's what they need to recover from this!" Antonio beamed.

Francis nodded, looking way too pleased with himself. "Yes! And to think such a great idea came from me! I am such a genius!" He bragged, and Lovino had no control over his arm as he picked up Antonio's empty water bottle and threw it at him.

"I know Alfred, he's actually kind of nice!" Feli chirped from beside Lovino.

"He's on the football team with me. Well, was. The coach cut him when he passed out during practice." Gilbert said lazily as he rolled over onto his stomach. He was using his bag as a pillow and sitting in the sunlight, eating a pizza.

Lovino, however, was completely content with sitting in the shade. He wasn't cold, because Antonio had draped his jacket over him. Lovino nestled himself in the jacket, leaning on Antonio. He liked the way Antonio smelled, so much so that he was tempted to ask him if he could wear his jacket until he got home. Therefore successfully bringing it and keeping it home with him! He doubted Antonio would object if he just outright asked him though.

"Okay, so then how do we introduce them?" Arthur questioned impatiently.

Gilbert raised his hand slowly. "I could introduce them. He knows I hang out with Antonio... and Lovino is dating him, so I doubt it would seem weird."

Feli clapped his hands together like an idiot, his smile was blinding. "I'll help too! You two are going to become such great friends, Lovi!" He exclaimed.

Lovino grimaced . Already his friends circle was becoming bigger than he'd like it to be. Adding one more didn't sound very appealing.

~oO0Oo~

When they had only ten minutes left until the bell rang, Antonio stopped Lovino before he could go inside. He had a big grin plastered on his face, his eyes focused only on Lovino. Even as Francis and Gilbert said their goodbyes.

"W-what is it?" Lovino asked him, stammering as he did.

"This weekend, Gilbert, Francis and I are going camping. You should come with us." Antonio said excitedly, his eyes shining.

Lovino tried to frown, he really did. But the way Antonio was slowly inching closer made his heart skip a beat in his chest. He would be spending roughly three days with Antonio…

"If you're uncomfortable with it, Feli can come along too." Antonio added, his arms wrapping around Lovino's small waist.

He returned the embrace, practically melting when Antonio tilted his chin up and kissed his forehead.

"I-I don't mind, but Feli would really like to go camping." Lovino breathed out, his fingers gripping Antonio's shirt.

He chuckled softly, now peppering kisses across Lovino's cheek and one on his nose. "Alright. Then it's settled. You two are going to come with us and we'll go camp at that one spot near the river." Antonio said sweetly.

Lovino perked, pulling away just enough so he could look Antonio in the eyes. "Do you mean the river you took me to and we swam in?" He asked, a little more eager than he would've liked.

Antonio grinned and nodded, sealing their lips together in a kiss. "Yup! Exactly that one~ You can share a tent with me if you want?" Antonio offered hopefully.

Lovino blushed bright red and tried moving away. "W-what!? B-but if we do that, where's Feli gonna sleep-!?" He argued as he glared at the taller man before him.

"Good point...He can sleep with us too, I guess. But I want to sleep near you. I'd rest easier if I did." Antonio murmured as he returned to kissing the living daylights out of Lovino.

"He's scared of his own shadow, I highly doubt he'll sleep anywhere but in the middle." Lovino grumbled, pushing away from Antonio.

Antonio chuckled, ruffling Lovino's hair. "So I suppose that means you're like the tough, brave, older brother?" He asked amusedly.

Lovino huffed, grabbing his bag and hoisting it over his shoulder. "I'm going to be late for class….And yes, I guess that means I am." He murmured in a soft voice, before he opened the doors of the school and disappeared into the crowd.

Antonio couldn't help but smile. Lovino was definitely the cutest.

~oO0Oo~

Now Lovino could see it. Funny. He would've thought he'd be the first person to notice. There Alfred F. Jones was, sitting underneath the shade of the gate. He seemed to be sleeping.

Currently it was the end of the day and some students were walking home. Lovino was standing outside with Feli when he noticed Alfred sitting there.

"Oh, it's Alfred! Maybe we should introduce you two now?" Feliciano asked, getting ready to walk over.

Lovino grabbed him by the arm and pulled him roughly back to his side. "Nope. Leave him alone. Besides, that German bastard wanted to help do it." Lovino grumbled, perking when he saw Antonio pull up.

Feliciano pouted. "He's just right over there! Lovi, he's nice, I promise you!" He tried reasoning, but was met with a pointed glare.

Once Antonio pulled up, Lovino hopped into the passengers seat, while Feliciano climbed into the back.

"Well don't you look lovely this afternoon~" Antonio purred as Lovino closed the door.

He rolled his eyes and looked away. "Do you always have to smother me? I just saw you a couple hours ago..." He grumbled under his breath.

Antonio laughed, trying to lean in for a kiss. "If not me, then who else?~ and yes, an hour and fifteen minutes ago, to be exact."

"You two are so cute!" Feliciano took his chance and practically shouted from the backseat.

"Oh my god." Lovino said exasperatedly and rubbed his temple. Both Feliciano and Antonio laughed in unison.

"Tomorrow….do you want to share lunch?" Antonio suddenly asked as he began to drive them home. It was asked lightly, but Lovino couldn't help but feel irritated.

"No. Leave me alone." He mumbled, closing his eyes.

"….I just...I noticed you don't read much anymore….um, if you're not busy with stuff like reading, maybe….do you want to meet Alfred?" Antonio tried, he gave Lovino a quick glance.

"He's nice!" Feliciano piped in from the backseat.

"If I talk to Alfred, will you leave me alone for the rest of the drive?" Lovino growled.

Antonio was quiet, like he was mulling it over and wondering if he could really leave Lovino alone for the rest of the drive. It wasn't that long of a drive anyway...they lived fairly close to the school. "...All right. Fine." Antonio conceded, sighing as Lovino then turned fully away.

The rest of the two minutes were spent by Antonio showing Feliciano Spanish music. By the time they got to their house, Feliciano was well versed in two of Antonio's albums. Pretty impressive, for a guy that can't remember to tie his own shoes before he goes out the door in the morning.

As Lovino was getting off, Antonio kept giving him the most sincere smile. "Camping." He said, barely containing his excitement.

Lovino tried to keep his frown, but found it nearly impossible when Antonio kept looking at him like that. "Camping." He repeated in a flat tone.

Antonio giggled and begin slowly driving away. "Ask your parents about it." He called out, before he was too far to communicate with.

Lovino grimaced. His grandfather had never met Antonio. He doubted he'd let both him and his brother go on a camping trip with people he didn't know.

He pushed the front door open, sighing as he tossed his bag to the side and began kicking off his shoes.

"Twelve days without any calories, huh?"

Lovino froze. He slowly lifted his gaze and his eyes widened when he saw the small notebook on the table in front of his grandfather.

"I'm going to make this real clear to you, Lovino. Either you stop this nonsense, or I'm calling someone."

That was probably the single most horrible and wrong thing his grandfather has done so far. Threatening Lovino with "help"? His grandfather obviously wasn't as smart as he liked to put off. Lovino tried to ignore the man's stare as he calmly walked to the table, reaching for the notebook only to have it moved out of reach.

"No. We're going to talk."

Lovino wanted to go upstairs and sleep. Preferably for the next ten or fifteen years.


	5. Chapter 5

If you guys are wondering, I plan to make this story around 13 chapters or so. I may put up a sequel to this, but I'm still deciding. I hope you guys don't mind a sort of semi-short chapter, I have homework and studying to do, after all.

General warnings for this chapter are:

*Suicidal thoughts (trigger warning)

*Misunderstanding which can lead to frustration (Because at this point, even I'm getting frustrated)

With that, I hope you guys like it. RxR!

* * *

Chapter 5: _"My best friend is a girl named Ana,_

 _I want her to always stay,_

 _All my other friends have left,_

 _But she will never stray."_

* * *

"What are you even doing with that? Why were you searching through my stuff!?" Lovino tried his best to sound calm, but anger was slowly boiling up inside him and he couldn't help the small tone of resentment in his voice.

His grandfather ignored his question and began flipping through the pages. "Lovino, I have to do something about this. I've set up an appointment for you in two days. We'll go and see a nutritionist."

Lovino's stomach twisted. "No." He stated flatly.

His grandfather peered up at him with a look of steel that made Lovino want to scoot away or hide. "We are going. Stop arguing and go upstairs." He ordered.

Lovino stood from the chair, defeated. There was no point in arguing with his grandfather because he didn't understand. He glanced at his notebook as he began to walk away. He supposed he could just make a new one.

When he finally closed and locked the door to his room, he sat down on the floor, having no clue what to do. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't just go along with what his grandfather said. He could always run away...but where would he even go? He could lock himself in his room until the appointment was over… No, that was stupid. Lovino strained to think of a solution. If it it really came down to it, he'd much rather just not be around at all…

Lovino paused. His eyes widening and his heart racing. Did...did he just think of suicide? A cold chill ran up his spine and he felt a small spark of panic in his chest. He'd never do something as drastic as that. How could he even think of it?

A sudden movement in the corner of the room caught his eye. When he looked up, there was Feliciano, sitting on the bed and staring at Lovino worriedly.

"Feli…" Lovino rasped, pushing himself off of the floor to walk over to his brother.

"...I don't like leaving you alone. Even if you say you like solitude and quiet, I just want to be next to you and to make sure you're okay. You are not alone, Lovi." He comforted, placing a hand on Lovino's shoulder.

Lovino smiled bitterly. "Thanks, Feli…" He murmured as he laid himself on his bed, right beside Feliciano.

"I don't quite understand, but I'll do my best to try. Please tell me more, Lovi. Tell me what's going through your mind." Feliciano said softly. "It seems like Antonio's doing more for you than your own family and that makes me sad. I want to be there for you too, Lovi."

Lovino hummed. "...Sometimes I think all of his efforts are in vain, though. I mean- I'm not exactly trying to get better. Nothing's changed since I started dating Antonio. Sure, he has helped me look at things from a new point of view, but I still can't stop myself."

At that, Feliciano fully turned and sat comfortably on the bed, his back resting against the wall. "What was the old point of view?" He asked curiously, his attention fully focused on Lovino.

Lovino scrunched his nose in thought. "...If I tell you, you have to keep it a secret. Just between the two of us, all right?" He asked, meeting his brother's gaze.

Feliciano nodded immediately. "Of course. I won't say a word. I promise."

Satisfied with that, Lovino looked away and tried to find something to keep his eyes on. He could feel his brother's stare and couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. "...Do you know when I first started?" He asked.

"Umm…..I think it was about nine months ago?" Feliciano answered uncertainly.

"Close. It's been ten." Lovino corrected him. "I started because my views of myself were changing. I wasn't happy being me. I didn't like looking in a mirror." He paused, but Feliciano didn't say anything, so he kept going. "Around this time, comments were pouring in. Comments about how you're so small, and I'm the bigger, heavier brother. I didn't like it."

"I didn't like it either." Feliciano added.

Lovino smiled. "Yeah...It only takes one comment before you start pointing out your own flaws and blemishes. I was fat."

Feliciano immediately chimed in, but was interrupted. "I didn't think s-"

"Other people thought differently, Feli." Lovino snapped. "And I agreed with them. I didn't like pinching my legs, arms or stomach and feeling the fat there. I didn't like how round my face was. Most people wonder why someone who is so uncomfortable with their weight wouldn't just work out. But that's the problem too. This illness, or whatever it is...it doesn't let you. It doesn't let you do a lot of things, actually."

Feliciano leaned closer. "What doesn't it let you do?" He asked in a hushed voice.

Lovino finally turned to look at his brother. "...It won't let you talk. Every thought, every feeling of pain or dread, it's never voiced. It won't let you tell. Unless people like you or Antonio come along, it's always just going to be locked up inside… I have heard of some people reaching out, but I've wondered how they can do that. I wouldn't be able to." Lovino murmured, his voice breaking.

Feliciano now laid beside him, taking their conversation in.

"But no one ever sees it as a real problem until it becomes dangerous. If someone skips three days of eating, no one will bat an eye. It's not taken seriously. I don't mind that everyone doesn't seem to be interested or even noticing it, but when you continue to endure it alone, you just feel...lonely. Like no one cares." Lovino's eyes now began to water, but he blinked them away.

Feliciano rolled onto his side to carefully hug Lovino. "I'm with you. I care. I've noticed and you will never be alone, Lovi." He said promisingly.

Tears began spilling out and Lovino tried his best to wipe them away. He always cries and he resented the fact that it was so easy for him to.

"...Will you ever share this with Antonio?" Feliciano asked hesitantly.

With a sniff, Lovino sat up on the bed, wiping his tears away. "Maybe some day. He seems to get it more than most people, so I've never really felt the need to tell him." Lovino mumbled.

Feliciano sat up too. "He does seem to be very understanding. I'm glad you guys have each other. I have to admit, at first I was very worried. I didn't know where you two ran off to. He could've taken you into the woods and murdered you!" Feliciano exclaimed.

Lovino laughed, and for the first time since a long time, felt that he could trust someone wholeheartedly.

~oO0Oo~

Antonio was currently skipping class.

He did often, but this time was different. He was sitting beside Lovino's bed in the nurses office. Nothing in particular was wrong, (Well, actually a lot of things were wrong) Lovino was just tired and was getting a bad headache. So here they were, Lovino curled up in the bed, sleeping, while Antonio sat beside him and read a book. It was Lovino's favorite and so far it was really good. He was excited for Lovino to wake up so he could ask him things about it.

Antonio decided to put the book down after almost forty minutes of reading. They missed one class, they might just miss a second, along with lunch. He looked at Lovino, a feeling of worry twisting inside of him. He's been looking through forums, blogs and websites that all talk about Lovino's sickness. He's also been reading about people's recovery and their stories.

What Antonio has found out from his research, is that people like Lovino can push people away the more they are helped. At first, Antonio didn't understand and didn't know what to do. But then he began looking through recovery stories. It wasn't that they didn't like help. It was that people were helping them in the wrong way.

The one's that were forced to undergo treatment often felt resentment towards those that sent them. Or when they were reported and forced to go to checkups and hospitalization, most would actually feel more depressed and some would even consider suicide. The thought sent a tremor of worry down Antonio's spine. He wanted to help, but he would need to do it in a more efficient and careful way.

He liked the idea of Lovino meeting Alfred, though. It seemed like a good start. Antonio should look for him during lunch, if Lovino was still asleep…

He heard the door in the other room open and close and he quickly dove into one of the cabinets beside Lovino's bed. He wasn't exactly allowed to be with Lovino at the moment and he'd rather not get caught.

He heard voices outside the door and he strained his ears to listen.

"...Child abuse..."

"….We should report this."

Antonio still couldn't hear very well, but the words he caught made him open the cabinet a little so he could hear more.

"I can give him a shot that could get some vitamins back into his system, but he should really be hospitalized." A female voice said from behind the door. Antonio was sure they were talking about Lovi.

"I think it's only right that we call child services." The other whispered.

Antonio bit his lip. He knew how much trouble that would cause Lovino, how much he didn't need that in his life right now.

Suddenly, the door opened and Antonio quickly closed the cabinet, hoping they didn't see.

The two school nurses walked in, one hovering over Lovino and the other doing something over the counter. Antonio expected they were preparing the shot.

"Lovino?" The nurse that was standing over Lovino asked as she gently shook him awake. Antonio felt a little angry at that. They couldn't at least let him sleep?

He saw Lovino sit up a little in the bed and yawn, staring between the two nurses curiously.

"Can we do a check-up on you, Lovino? It's just what we have to do." One said as she began setting up a machine next to him.

He squirmed and looked around the room, obviously looking for Antonio. He'd been there when Lovino fell asleep, and Antonio felt guilty that it seemed as though he had abandoned him.

"Uh...C-can we do it another time? I have to go..." Lovino said uncomfortably, trying to get off of the bed.

The nurse gently stopped him. "I'm afraid we can't, it'll only take a few seconds, I promise." She said as the machine came to life beside Lovino, making a ton of intimidating beeping sounds.

Lovino scooted away from her. "I...really don't want to." He murmured.

The nurse that was standing by the counter spoke up. "Don't be afraid, sweetie. We're only going to check how your blood sugar is and maybe give you a shot for vitamins. Nothing too big." She reassured him. "Now, real quick, can you please stand on the scale?" She motioned to the scale on the other side of the room.

Oh no, that wasn't right. Antonio watched helplessly as Lovino was led to the scale situated in one corner of the room, just behind the door.

"Just stand on it and look straight up." She told him. Lovino paused, staring at the scale before him. "C'mon, just real quick, I promise it'll be over before you know it." She urged.

Antonio was getting angrier by the minute. These idiots didn't realize what they were doing. How did they even get a job here? His fists clenched and he watched intently as Lovino finally stepped onto the scale, his head hung.

"Oh my..." Said the nurse suddenly.

"What?" The other nurse asked, momentarily stopping whatever it was she was doing at the counter.

"96 pounds." The nurse read aloud. "Honey, you are most definitely underweight. Why?" She asked in a concerned tone.

Lovino didn't say anything, he didn't look up or move at all, actually. His shoulders slumped and he looked like he could fall apart at any moment. Antonio was ready to jump out and defend Lovino. He wanted to help, but if he were to come out, he wouldn't doubt that he'd just be sent to the principal's office and torn away from Lovino for the day.

"Why don't you sit down on the bed again, we'll have that shot for you in just a sec. We'll be right back, okay?" Said one nurse as they both left the room, closing the door behind them.

Antonio took his chance and revealed himself from the cabinet. He crawled out, expecting Lovino to look surprised, but all he got was a small glance. "Are you okay?" Antonio asked as he quickly came to Lovino's side, grabbing his hand and holding it firmly. "Lovi? C'mon, talk to me." He said, caressing Lovino's cheek.

"...I expected to be much smaller." Was all Lovino's reply.

Antonio frowned, leaning in to give Lovino a gentle kiss on the forehead. "Lovi, don't think about that. They are probably going to call child services or something on your grandfather. We need to let them know what's going on." He explained calmly.

Lovino said nothing, but seemed to agree, as he slid off of the bed and followed Antonio out of the room. The two nurses were sitting in a small office, they stood up when they saw both Antonio and Lovino walk toward them.

"Who are you? How'd you get-"

"It's not his grandfather's fault." Antonio interrupted her. "Lovino has...an illness. But it's not his grandfather's fault."

Both of the nurses looked taken aback, looking at Antonio and Lovino's connected hands. "So I assume you to be…?"

"His boyfriend. And his best friend." Antonio answered promptly.

The nurses looked incredulous, and looked Lovino over. "It's not documented in the school files." Said one nurse.

Antonio rolled his eyes. "So I guess whatever is documented is set in stone, right? A student can't develop a sickness?" He spat, tightening his hold on Lovino's hand.

"Don't be disrespectful. Now, you should go back to class. We are professionals, and can handle everything from here." The other nurse said, glaring at Antonio.

"No. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying and supporting Lovi." Antonio said firmly, matching the nurse's glare with a fierce one of his own.

"...I am scheduled to go in for hospitalization." Lovino suddenly spoke up. Everyone turned to look at him. "Well, it's just to see a nutritionist, but I can see where it's heading." Lovino mumbled, looking down at his feet.

Both nurses shared suspicious looks. "We'll need a confirmation on that. What doctor are you going to see and when?" One nurse said.

Lovino stepped in front of Antonio and began telling the nurses about how his grandfather was taking him to one tomorrow. He even offered to give them a doctor's note when he returned.

They seemed very reluctant, but they agreed to not call on the condition that for now, Lovino get a shot for vitamins.

~oO0Oo~

Sitting in Antonio's car was so far the most comforting thing Lovino had found lately. He didn't even read anymore, what with Antonio sitting right beside him. He just liked to sit with him and talk. Sometimes Feliciano would come out and talk, other times it would be Antonio's two friends. Either way, Lovino felt relaxed.

"You didn't tell me you were going to see a nutritionist." Antonio pointed out as he messed with the radio.

Lovino snorted. "I wasn't sure if I was even going to go."

"What do you mean? Didn't your grandfather set up an appointment already?" Antonio asked curiously, raising an eyebrow at Lovino.

"He set one up, but I was just going to hide somewhere until I missed it." Lovino shrugged, leaning down in the seat.

"…How about you come hang out at my house after school today? You, Feli, even Gil and Francis can come over. We'll watch some movies or something." Antonio offered.

Lovino's eyes widened and he stared at Antonio. "...Can we really?"

Antonio smiled and leaned over to connect their lips in a soft kiss. "Of course. I'm sure my mom won't mind, and my brother is currently out of town."

Lovino's mood seemed to improve greatly, as he was actually humming along to some of the music that came on the radio. Antonio was glad that Lovino seemed to be doing better, but he had another motive for getting Lovino to come over. Maybe Antonio could invite Alfred over and he and Lovino could talk.

Everything seemed so stressful now. He didn't mind Lovino, he'd happily undergo stress for him. But he was worried what would happen tomorrow. Would Lovino actually skip the appointment? What would happen to him if he did? Was it right for Antonio to be worried and leaning toward him not going? Was Antonio even being a good boyfriend right now? He wasn't sure about any of this, and felt guilty that maybe he was a little responsible for Lovino not getting proper treatment. When Antonio really looked at his situation, any sensible person would've supported those nurses, and would have reported Lovino early on. Was Antonio doing everything wrong?


	6. Chapter 6

It's getting really difficult to try and find time to write and edit...Hmm... Well, at least I managed to get this chapter done. I really hope you guys like this story and I hope it shows just how much this story means to me. Well, without further ado, here's the next chapter, RxR:

Warnings/notes:

*Trigger warning, of course

*Some bulimia

*Angst

* * *

Chapter 6. _"The only one I listen to is Ana,_

 _She's so smart and full of advice,_

 _I'm starting to get smaller,_

 _My health is the only sacrifice."_

* * *

"Grandpa gave the Okay~" Feliciano said happily as he climbed into the backseat.

"He only said okay because you're coming." Lovino grumbled and crossed his arms. His grandfather would never let him go otherwise.

"Aww, c'mon Lovi~ Now you have extra time to spend with me!" Antonio said cheerfully, reaching over to give Lovino's knee a light squeeze.

Lovino shifted uneasily in the passenger's seat. "Okay, but..."

"Are we gonna go yet, or are you gonna keep feeling him up?"

"Who is this and why is he here!?" Lovino hissed, glaring in the backseat where Alfred was seated.

"Ah, well...I just think you two will get along nicely!" Antonio said nervously, pulling out of the parking lot.

Lovino narrowed his eyes and faced the front. "I don't even know him..." He murmured and sank down in the seat.

Feliciano took it as his chance to speak up, "You can get to know each other!" He said excitedly, like he was announcing a trip to Disney Land. Lovino sighed heavily.

"...Hey man, I don't know you either, but I don't mind making a new friend. I think you seem pretty chill. Lovino, right?" Alfred said, sounding friendly.

When Lovino didn't answer, Antonio nudged him gently with his elbow. "Yes." He gritted out, glaring at Antonio.

Needless to say, the car ride to Antonio's may have been short, but still unpleasant.

~oO0Oo~

So Lovino was now curled up on the nearest end of the couch in Antonio's living room, his brother sitting beside him in a huge chair. Alfred occupied the other end of the couch, leaving an empty space between them. Antonio had left him to get drinks and to make some popcorn. He frowned when he heard the front door open and the loud cackle of no one other than Gilbert, who stormed in like he owned the place. "Heya, Lovi!" He greeted loudly, plopping down on the couch, directly beside Alfred.

"Yo, Gil. Haven't really seen you around." Alfred said cheerfully and Gilbert threw an arm around him.

"Sorry, been hanging out with these two lately, let me tell you that Lovino may be a little harsh, but he's a fucking joy to be around." Gilbert told Alfred with a grin. Lovino scrunched up his nose. Since when has he ever been that big of a joy?

"So I've heard." Alfred replied, looking at Lovino, who shifted uncomfortably.

"Aww, poo….Antonio's handsome brother isn't even here..." Francis sighed as he came into the room. "I was hoping to tease him again."

"By teasing you mean uncomfortable flirting." Gilbert corrected.

Francis stuck his tongue out at him as he sat in the small beanbag by the couch, directly beside Alfred. Lovino was glad all the chaos seemed to be on the opposite end of the couch.

Suddenly, Antonio appeared in the room, holding a bowl of popcorn and barely carrying drinks in the other. "He probably left because you make him so uncomfortable." Antonio laughed, sitting down beside Lovino.

He handed Feliciano a box of apple juice, Lovino and Alfred a bottle of water, and soda to Francis and Gilbert. "So I was thinking, we could watch Star Wars..." Antonio began.

"Dude! YES!" Both Alfred and Gilbert said at the same time.

Francis sighed. "Oh, not another nerdy movie night..."

Then Antonio turned to face the two brothers. "What do you guys think?" He asked the both of them, but his eyes were focused on Lovino.

"I think it's an awesome idea! As long as it's the originals.." Feliciano said happily, taking a sip of the apple juice.

Lovino crossed his arms. "I don't mind." He murmured quietly, which was answered with loud cheering.

"Alright, Star Wars it is, then." Antonio said as he pressed the button on the remote. He wrapped an arm around Lovino's shoulder and made himself comfortable, offering popcorn to everyone in the room.

It was about halfway through the movie that Lovino got up to use the bathroom. With directions from Antonio, he walked down the hall and turned to the last room on the left. Before he went in, however, something caught his eye. He paused at the doorway, and stared at the room adjacent. A woman was sitting in what looked to be a lounge. She was seated in a comfy, small sofa and was knitting a glove. Lovino glanced down the hall, to where he can hear the TV rather loudly.

"Are you knitting that for someone?" Lovino asked, walking to the doorway of where Antonio's mother was.

She looked up, alarmed. "Oh, hello. Lovino, I presume?" She asked and smiled. Antonio had her eyes and her smile. He relaxed when he noticed those features.

"Yes m'am." He replied politely.

"Oh, come here, don't be afraid. And to answer your question, yes, I am. It's for Antonio. His brother never wears the things that I knit, but fortunately for me, Antonio will." She laughed lightly.

Lovino smiled and walked into the room, sitting down beside Antonio's mother. She really seemed like Antonio. "I'm sure he'll love them." He commented, glancing down at the dark gray glove.

She giggled. "Well, aren't you a gentleman! Yes, I think he will. It's no where near the time to be dressing warmer, but I take a long time to finish a project, and I want to have it done by at least Halloween." She said fondly, looking down at the half-finished glove on her lap.

Lovino couldn't help but stare. His mother had passed away when he was young. It was strange to be around someone so motherly. She noticed his staring and smiled. "Maybe I'll make you one, one day." She said.

Lovino blinked. "W-what-" He stammered, but Antonio's mother cut him off.

"My son really seems to like you. I may have to get prepared for a wedding." She said simply, giggling as Lovino's face lit up a bright crimson. "As if I wouldn't know! He's happier each day and he talks about you a lot. It's a woman's intuition, you know!" She laughed and gently nudged Lovino's shoulder.

"I- um...Y-yeah..." Lovino murmured embarrassedly, looking down.

"Mom?" Antonio's voice got both Lovino and Antonio's mother's attention, and they both turned to look at him. He was standing in the doorway with an amused smile.

"Oh! Antonio, I was just talking to your future husband!" She said happily and, surprisingly, Antonio blushed. Lovino's eyes widened and he stared. This was possibly the first time he's seen Antonio blush. Well, at the very least blush this hard.

"Way to make this awkward, mom..." He murmured, walking into the room and sitting down close to Lovino.

"You're the only one making things awkward, sweetie." She told him, and put her knitting things away. "I, for one, rather like Lovino." She looked at him with a big grin and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "He's a cutie."

Lovino buried his face in his hands as the blush ran up to his ears and Antonio groaned, "Aww, MOM!"

She giggled once more, standing up and fixing her clothing. "I suppose I should start preparing dinner. Will you be eating with us, Lovino?" She asked as she started walking to the door.

Lovino paused, not knowing what to say. It was Antonio that spoke for him. "Ah, actually, Lovino already ate." He said hastily.

Antonio's mother nodded. "Well, if you get hungry again, I'll be making lots of spaghetti tonight, just in case." She said airily as she walked out.

Antonio sighed and leaned his head on Lovino's shoulder. "That woman...She never knows when to quit."

Lovino laughed, reaching over and gripping Antonio's hand. "I like her. She's reminds me of you."

"Really now?" Antonio chuckled, closing his fingers around Lovino's hand. "Tell her that, and you'd make her day."

"Maybe I will. After all, You have her smile." Lovino pointed out, looking down at their intertwined hands.

"I get that a lot. My mom's smile, but my dad's hair." He said as he sat up and ruffled his own hair, making it messy.

"Yeah...She didn't have curly hair like yours. But I like your hair." Lovino murmured, then scrunched up his nose as he thought about what he had just said. "Well, I like a lot of things about you, actually."

Antonio grinned, leaning in to give Lovino a light peck on the cheek. "Good. I like a lot of things about you too. I like your reddish-brown hair, with the strange little curl on the side, I like your golden-brown eyes, I like the way your cheeks flush when you're complimented, I like the way your lips quirk up into a little smile...The list goes on."

Lovino was positively beet red. "T-thanks…" He managed out.

Antonio placed another kiss, near his mouth, and continued. "I like you just the way you are, and I can't understand how you can't." He mumbled, burying his face in Lovino's neck. "I wish you'd see how beautiful you are."

"…I'm really not all that beautiful, Antonio..." Lovino sighed, releasing his hand, but Antonio held it tighter.

"...I keep reading about this, Lovi. I'm a very curious person, and I do my research. I know you would hate to have someone interfere. I want to help, but I also don't want you to hate me. I'm honestly scared, Lovi. I hate not being able to do anything and I hate watching you hurt yourself." His voice broke and he hugged Lovino tightly. "I don't know what to do."

Lovino was frowning, numbly holding Antonio. "...I...I could...I could eat with your family tonight...Just tonight..." Lovino mumbled.

Antonio immediately perked up, raising his head and staring at Lovino with wide, teary eyes. "R-really!?" A confirmation nod was all he needed before he threw his arms around Lovino and hugged him as tightly as he deemed safe. "Oh my god, Lovi! I would love it if you did that! Thank you!" He cried happily.

"Yeah, yeah...It's not that big of a deal..." Lovino growled. But his stomach twisted and he began to rethink what he had just promised. He'd gain weight again. He'd be fat again...but one meal isn't bad, is it? He can still eat, after all! Antonio's embrace made his eyes flutter shut and a small smile cross his face. For Antonio, he would try.

~oO0Oo~

"Get this though, once I told grandpa we were probably gonna eat at Antonio's, he practically demand that we do. His exact words were, 'Get your brother to eat.' so I guess we kinda have to stay." Feliciano laughed.

Lovino tried to smile, but his heart was racing and he kept fumbling with his fingers. He really was going to do it, wasn't he? But if he did, he could show people that he really wasn't all that sick. He could still eat if he wanted to, he didn't have an illness! Still, he couldn't really bring himself to pay attention to any conversation in the room.

That was until Alfred sat next to him. Lovino made to glare at him, but froze. He didn't notice it before, but now that he was closer, he could see Alfred's dark circles underneath his eyes, just behind his glasses. His skin was pale and his hair seemed wispy. Lovino looked lower, taking in Alfred's features. He was pretty thin, Lovino couldn't help but feel impressed. Little did he realize that Alfred was doing the same to him, taking in all of his features while remaining absolutely silent.

"You're pretty thin..." Alfred murmured.

Lovino nodded, tearing his eyes away. "...You too." He replied with no emotion.

Alfred shifted to a better position and leaned closer. He didn't have to, really. The room was already filled with so much noise. "You have it too." He whispered next to Lovino's ear.

Lovino frowned and scooted away. "Have what? I don't have anything." He grumbled.

Feliciano giggled loudly from the other side of the room as Gilbert began tickling him. Lovino didn't even want to know what was going on. "Ana." Alfred whispered again.

"No, you do." Lovino glared pointedly.

Alfred all but smiled. It looked strained, though. "Yeah...I've been trying to fight it, but it's hard. I haven't beaten it yet, and probably won't for a while. I have hope, though." He now reverted to his normal, louder voice.

Lovino didn't answer. Instead he brought his knees closer to his torso. It was freezing in Antonio's house!

"Chills, huh? Side effect. You are constantly cold." Alfred commented, rubbing his arms and Lovino spotted the tiny goosebumps he had scattered across his arms.

"Are you cold, Lovi?" Antonio asked as he came out of the kitchen. He glanced between Lovino and Alfred and smiled fondly. "Glad you two are getting along. I'll bring you two a blanket." He said as he turned and walked down the hallway. Lovino huffed.

"Heh. Antonio's such a nice guy. I can see why you'd like him." Alfred murmured thoughtlessly.

Francis squealed in delight when Gilbert fell off the edge of the sofa and Feli began laughing so hard, he started to snort. Lovino rolled his eyes. Leave it to his brother to make a complete fool of himself.

Just then, a warm blanket was thrown over him, covering his face completely. He could hear Alfred saying thanks. Lovino pulled the blanket down so his head could peek out from the top, and tucked his legs underneath. The blanket really was warm… He turned to Antonio questioningly.

It was returned with a big grin. Reaching down, Antonio grabbed a small remote that was attached to the blanket. "It's a heated blanket, I warmed it up so it will keep you nice and toasty." He said easily, leaning over to kiss Lovino on the side of the head. It was met with a chorus of "Awww's" from the entire room and Lovino ducked his head underneath the blanket in embarrassment.

Eventually, Antonio's two friends had to leave. Which was a big relief on Lovino's part. As soon as that last cackle from Gilbert was out the door, Lovino heaved a sigh of relief. Alfred stood up too, folding the blanket and neatly placing it on the sofa. "I should probably be getting back too. Arthur's like, just down the street." He informed Lovino and Antonio.

Antonio nodded in understanding. "Sure thing! I hope we can do this again sometime!" He said happily as he walked Alfred to the door just as a car pulled up outside.

Alfred was halfway out the door before he turned around and waved at Lovino. "See ya' Lovino. I think we should definitely hang out more." With that, he was out and gone.

Antonio closed the door and walked over to Lovino, curling up beside him. "That was fun. And my brother wasn't here to complain about the noise. Gilbert and Francis can get pretty loud..." He laughed, snuggling closer to Lovino.

Lovino blushed beet red, pulling the blanket over himself more. "They're annoying. I don't know how you can deal with them." He grumbled out.

"Aww, Alfred left and I didn't even get to say goodbye..." Feliciano said sadly as he came out from the hallway. "I knew I should've waited to use the bathroom!"

Lovino snorted. "Great idea. Pee your pants so you can say goodbye to the two humungous dorks and the jock."

"Lovi! That was mean!" Feliciano cried, throwing himself at Lovino.

Antonio winced at the force the younger Italian had used. Lovino seemed so fragile, he wanted to tell Feliciano to be more gentle. But knowing Lovino, it'd only make him angry.

"Get… Off of me!" Lovino growled, trying to push his brother off.

"Hehee~ Make me!" Feliciano shot back, trying to crawl onto Lovino's lap. The second Lovino winced in pain, Antonio immediately pulled Feliciano off with ease, his feet dangling as he was held up.

Both brothers stared, surprised at Antonio and he gently put the younger Italian down. "Uh...sorry… I couldn't stop myself. I get worried for you, Lovi." He confessed, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

Feliciano beamed. "Aww, you protect my brother! That's very nice of you, Antonio!~" He chirped happily.

Antonio laughed and nodded, but his eyes were trained on Lovino, who was frowning deeply. "L-Lovi? Is something the matter?" He asked nervously, reaching over and taking his hand.

"I don't need protecting. I'm perfectly fine by myself..." Lovino growled, drawing his hand back and crossing his arms underneath the blanket. "I'm not weak..."

Antonio smiled. "Of course you're not weak. You are one of the strongest people I know." _Well, at least mentally…_ Antonio thought. But even that wasn't quite the truth. Antonio knew that even Lovino's mind was ill. During his research, people who have anorexia perceive themselves different from what they actually are. So although Lovino might look thin...all he sees are flaws and imperfections. It made Antonio sad to think that Lovino thinks so little of himself.

"Boys, dinner is ready." Antonio heard his mother call from the kitchen. Antonio was ecstatic. Lovino would finally have something in his stomach. He wondered how long it had been since Lovino had eaten...He's seen him drink lots of water, which was good...but he really hasn't seen Lovino nibble on something.

The panicked look on Lovino's face told him that he viewed this as a big hurdle to overcome, and Antonio was happy to be there for him. He smiled and gently tugged the warm blanket off of Lovino, turning it off before grabbing his hand and leading him into the kitchen.

Feliciano practically squealed in delight as he sat down at the table where a plate was already placed. "Spaghetti! My favorite!" He exclaimed.

Across from Feliciano, Lovino slowly lowered himself onto the seat next to Antonio. "Do you want water, Lovi?" Antonio asked, his heart pounding in his chest as he saw Lovino staring down at the plate of spaghetti.

When there came no response, he gently nudged the other, finally getting his attention. "I said...Do you want some water?" He repeated softly, intently watching Lovino's features stiffen.

"Uh...Y-yeah..." Lovino mumbled out, clearly not thinking straight.

Antonio nodded and stood up to grab a glass of water. As he placed it beside Lovino's plate and sat down, he picked up his fork and glanced anxiously to the side.

Lovino slowly picked up the fork, his hands visibly trembling. Was Antonio pushing him too hard? Was there another, better way to do this? Was Lovino going to be okay? All of these questions whirled around in his head.

And then it felt like time slowed down.

Not the same kind, like when Antonio first pressed his lips to Lovino's. That one had lit a warm spark inside Antonio that slowly spread throughout his body. This one, however, felt like time just couldn't go any faster.

Lovino admittedly had a hard time even getting the forkful of spaghetti into his mouth because his hand was trembling so much. But when it did, Antonio and Feliciano stared hopefully, overjoyed to watch Lovino chew. Then tears began to spill. Fat tears began running down his cheeks and he tried desperately to wipe them away.

"Unf….S-shuf Up-" Lovino growled with a mouthful of food, despite no one having said anything.

Antonio even felt like crying. By the time Lovino had wiped away his tears and was only sniffling, his mother came into the room, making herself a bowl full of spaghetti. "How is it?" She asked kindly to all three of them.

Feliciano and Antonio replied in unison, "It's delicious!"

She grinned, sitting down next to Antonio and twirling some noodles around her fork. "I'm glad...What about you, Lovino? What do you think?"

Lovino gulped, trying to put another forkful of spaghetti into his mouth as he nodded. "….It's...great..." He almost whispered.

Antonio felt his heart flutter in his chest. Watching Lovino, watching him trying...it made him fall even more in love with him… If that was even possible.

~oO0Oo~

Lovino's stomach had gotten so small, as it was used to not being used. He could only finish a small portion of the spaghetti. After they ate, he left to go use the bathroom. He never got the chance earlier anyway….

But the second that door was closed and locked, he looked into the mirror and his entire world came crumbling down around him.

Fat. Ugly. Disgusting.

Lovino clenched his teeth, running his fingers through his hair. Why did he agree to have dinner with Antonio's family? He had no self-control and he looked horrible...He was ashamed that Antonio... and everyone at that table had even looked at him.

He pinched and grabbed his arms, legs and stomach. It felt like everywhere he touched, there was fat. He clenched his hands into his hair, sliding down the wall and onto the floor. He was hopeless. Why did he let Antonio talk him into this? Lovino probably looked awful, more so because his perfect brother was sitting just across from him. Antonio probably got disgusted with Lovino...he's probably crushing on Feliciano now.

Feeling worthless, broken and alone, Lovino pushed himself off the floor, stumbled over to the sink and turned it on, letting the water run on high. He then lifted the toilet seat and stuck two fingers down his throat.

~oO0Oo~

Maybe this was the beginning of recovery. Maybe Lovino was going to get better at last! Sure, he didn't eat everything, but it was a start. Antonio was feeling giddy. He wanted to embrace Lovino and tell him what a great job he did. He was proud of him.

Feliciano politely thanked Antonio's mother, and walked up to him, absolutely beaming with joy. "We did it. Lovi ate! I have hope, Antonio. He'll get better and be the Lovi I once knew." Feliciano said happily, hugging Antonio.

Antonio returned the hug, grinning. "Yeah. I'm happy too. We're getting somewhere..."

He heard the bathroom door unlock and Lovino came out, freezing at the sight of Feliciano and Antonio in each other's arms. His eyes widened slightly and he clenched his fists at his sides.

"You're grandfather's probably worried...Let's get you back." Antonio said softly, quickly releasing Feliciano.

"Mm-Hm~ After all, you have an appointment tomorrow, Lovi." Feliciano said cheerfully. Antonio winced.

Lovino's eyes narrowed and for a moment, he looked like he was going to say something. But he seemed to give up the idea and sighed, walking past them and grabbing his jacket then putting on his shoes. "Whatever. Just take me home."

Something about that tone didn't sit quite right with Antonio. He frowned a little, following Lovino and slipping on his shoes as well.

As they pulled out of the driveway, the heater blasting all the way, Antonio tried to strike up a conversation with Lovino. "….The spaghetti was good, wasn't it?" He asked hopefully.

Lovino said nothing. He was turned, facing out the window.

Antonio tried again. "I'm proud of you, Lovi. I'm glad you're trying so hard."

Again, Lovino remained silent.

Then Feliciano tried. "If you're upset about tomorrow Lovi, don't be. I'll be with you. We can try and do it together! Would it make you more comfortable if-"

Suddenly, Lovino slammed his hand down on the arm rest, positively shaking with fury. "SHUT UP!" He bellowed, making both Antonio and Feliciano jump. "I am fucking tired of you two interfering and thinking you know so much! I'm tired of the strained smiles and the fake kisses and just- I WANT TO BE ALONE!"

Antonio kept his eyes focused on the road in front of him, letting Lovino rant.

"I AM FUCKING TIRED OF THE PITY FRIENDSHIPS AND THE FAKE COMPLIMENTS BECAUSE NONE OF IT IS REAL. I AM TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT. I WAS FINE ON MY OWN AND I DON'T NEED HELP. I DON'T NEED YOU, ANTONIO!" He practically screamed.

Silence fell in the car, aside from Feliciano's small gasp in the back seat. Antonio didn't say a word, but simply smiled sadly. He continued to drive until he reached their street and pulled up to the driveway. As soon as the car stopped, Lovino quickly got out, running up to the front door and slamming it shut.

"...He didn't mean it, Antonio..." Feliciano murmured, placing a hand on Antonio's shoulder.

He nodded, struggling to keep the smile on his face. "I know. He'll probably come around tomorrow. I'm not mad, I'll wait until he needs me. I'll wait as long as it takes." Antonio said, his eyes gazing at the door that Lovino had just disappeared behind.

"I'll try talking to him tomorrow, y'know...in case. Thanks for dinner...see you..." Feliciano muttered as he climbed out of the car and walked up to the front door.

Antonio heaved a big sigh. His heart hurt. Lovino's comment actually felt like a stab in the chest. But Antonio kept trying to tell himself that it wasn't Lovino talking...it was his illness.

...But there was only so much you could blame on the illness.

Hands gripping the wheel tightly, he pulled out of the driveway and drove back home. Maybe it was a bad idea that he sort of pressured Lovino into eating tonight…. Maybe all of this was his fault. Lovino was going on about fake friendships and kisses...What did that mean?

He'd have to do more research on it tonight… If his research was even reliable..

What if he sought professional help? Which he figured he should've done in the first place... There was that woman… Katyusha. Francis talked about her and she seemed like she knew a great deal on the subject. Antonio wondered if he could try and contact her...


	7. Chapter 7

Finally got around to uploading the 7th chapter! I don't want to get too into my situation, but can I just say that this story is really helping me get through anorexia, myself. My family has no idea what it really was/is and had a totally wrong reaction to it. So, I decided to write this story to shed some light on it. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but the thoughts are still there and I will still not eat if I don't have to...meaning whenever I'm away from family. But this story has been helping me reconsider, as I have no one to talk to. Hopefully someday, I can recover from it, but I doubt it's anytime soon. Especially since I don't have any physical support.

Just a little inside note from me, I hope you guys don't mind. And if any one of you reading this are going through the same thing, please PM me and I'll talk with you.

Warnings/notes for this chapter:

*Always trigger warnings

*Bad intervening (Like, seriously) which can feel very frustrating for some people.

*Common misconceptions about Lovino's illness.

* * *

Chapter 7. " _I'm scared of this girl Ana,_

 _I can't get her out of my head,_

 _It finally occurs to me that Ana wants me dead."_

* * *

You can't "Just eat," it doesn't work that way. A voice inside your head doesn't let you, it makes you see the world in numbers.

"Lovi? C-can you open the door?"

It doesn't matter if you appear healthy. The illness is inside your head. It just tends to affect you physically sometimes.

"Lovi...I'm seriously getting worried… Please open the door..."

Recovery takes a long time and it is hard. It affects your every day life. It's an every day struggle that no one sees or notices.

"Lovino, open the door. You're scaring Feli."

Not only is it lonely, but no one seems to understand that having an eating disorder is not a choice. It never actually goes away. It'll always be there, lingering in the back of your mind. It takes support to overcome it, but most never get that support.

"If you don't open this damn door, I'm breaking it down. I'll replace it with a door that doesn't have a lock!"

Going to family gatherings is hard. If you eat a lot, you tend to regret it afterwards. Weight restoration doesn't mean you're beating the eating disorder, and it's not all about vanity.

"Goddamn it, Lovino. Your brother and I are going to eat breakfast, I expect you down here in less than 15 minutes."

You don't just wake up one morning and decide to stop eating. Also, when someone says "You don't look like you have an eating disorder," it is triggering.

"I fucking heard you the first time… Just go away..."

It's a very loud voice, and it won't leave you alone, and _it's_ the one that's selfish, not the person. They don't just affect your eating style. It's your entire life that is affected. If only it allowed the person to see themselves without judgement, and to live their life free.

But that is not the case.

~oO0Oo~

"Tell me, Lovino. How did your eating disorder start?"

Lovino was seated in a chair in the corner of the room near the window, a bored look on his face. "The fuck would I know?" He growled.

The man tapped the end of his pen on his clipboard, seeming to contemplate Lovino's response. "Okay, let's start a bit more simple...Do you think you have an eating disorder?"

Lovino yawned, laying his head on the armrest of the chair. "You're the therapist. You tell me." He murmured, not bothering to look at the man across from him.

"Lovino, it's been half an hour and all I've learned is that you have a concerned grandfather and little brother. Please, take the time to think about them for a moment." The man pleaded, setting the clipboard down.

"Is that supposed to make me want to talk? Wow, you really suck at your job." Lovino said in a bored voice.

If the man was frustrated, he didn't show it. He simply pulled out some paper and markers, placing them on the small table between the two of them, and pushing it towards Lovino. "...I want you to draw how you feel today."

Lovino scoffed. "Is that a fucking joke? I feel-"

"Draw it." The man interrupted him.

Reluctantly, Lovino unfurled himself from his position on the couch and grabbed one of the markers. He began drawing random scribbles across the paper, not really aiming to draw anything special. When he was finished, he tossed the marker down and leaned back in his seat.

The man picked up the paper and studied it, making a soft humming sound. "Very good… Now, Lovino, tell me, what do these patterns mean?"

Lovino groaned, snatching the paper out of the man's hands and tearing it apart. "Trash. That's what it means."

The man picked up his clipboard, and god Lovino wanted to punch him. "I see...trash..." He murmured to himself as he began writing something on the clipboard.

Lovino had to deal with a little over an hour of this.

~oO0Oo~

Antonio was worried. Lovino still hadn't talked to him since their fight. It's been Feliciano that's been keeping Antonio informed. He fumbled with his fingers as he waited for the news.

Fortunately, he did not have to wait long. Feliciano came bounding next to him, a small frown on his face. "Lovi was really upset this morning. Plus apparently my grandpa is going to replace Lovino's door since he keeps locking himself in there..."

That was so not good news. Antonio gritted his teeth together. "How long has it been since he's eaten?" Antonio asked, already dreading the answer.

Feliciano scrunched up his nose in thought, the same way Lovino tended to do. "Since a decent meal? That would be yesterday, since...y'know, the whole him eating spaghetti at your house thing... so it's not entirely bad. Other than that, I haven't seen him eat at all."

Antonio sighed. At least he got Lovino to eat something… He checked the time on his phone and jumped when he saw how late he was. "Oh! Crap, listen Feli, I gotta go..." He said as he grabbed his bag from the bench.

Feliciano nodded understandingly. "Okay. Don't worry too much, Antonio!"

Antonio nodded. It was a total lie, but he couldn't be bothered to care at the moment. He ran off to the school's offices in a hurry.

~oO0Oo~

Currently, Antonio was sitting nervously in one of the empty offices, his heart pounding in his chest. He was actually going to do this...He was going to share everything…

The door behind him opened, making him jump. He turned around to see the lady who gave the presentations, Katyusha. As she entered the room, she smiled warmly at Antonio, walking around to the other side of the desk.

"You wanted to speak to me? Mr…?" She began.

"Antonio. Just call me Antonio. And yes m'am, I did. You….You specialize with things like… eating disorders...right?" Antonio asked nervously.

Katyusha's face suddenly hardened, and she leaned closer. "Yes, I do...Is there something wrong?" She questioned Antonio.

"N-not with me...It's my friend, L-….Let's just call them _Roma…"_ Antonio said after a moments thought. Katyusha nodded, and he continued. "They have anorexia, and I've tried doing my best to be there for them, but now I'm getting worried… It seems like it's getting worse."

At this Katyusha began taking out papers from her bag, setting them down on the desk. "I see. So how long has Roma had anorexia?" She asked, getting right down to business.

Antonio had to pause to think. When had Lovino started? It seemed so long now… "I'm...not entirely sure… They had it before I even became good friends with them." Antonio responded.

Katyusha nodded understandingly. "And it's been quite a while since then?" A confirmed nod from Antonio was all she needed before she continued. "Do they know you're here talking with me?" She asked softly. Antonio shook his head. "Good, do not tell them. We need to handle this carefully. They can get help, it's never too late." She said, giving Antonio a small smile.

"Now, as I'm sure you already know, some things can be very triggering to someone such as your friend. Do you know what they all are?" She asked.

Antonio sat up straight, shaking his head. "No m'am, but I would like to hear what they all are." He said intently.

Katyusha nodded and pulled a sheet of paper out from the small pile, handing it over to Antonio. "These are just some basic things, but also what you should absolutely never say to someone like Roma."

Antonio took the paper, his eyes roaming over the page. Katyusha began going over each one. "First off, you never want to tell them to just eat. It is not that simple for them and it'll more than likely isolate them further. You see, we can't hear what this voice in their head tells them."

Antonio felt a pang of hurt somewhere in his chest. Lovino was hurting and there was nothing Antonio could do about it.

Katyusha continued. "Never tell them they are selfish. It needs to be treated like a real problem. Blaming them will not help in any way whatsoever." Antonio nodded.

"Do not remind them about how they are. When Roma recovers, you absolutely do not want to say things like 'You used to be like that'. It is very triggering for them."

Antonio frowned, of course he wouldn't say something like that.

"Do not tell them how thin or ill they look. What that illness is… it's about control and self-esteem. Doing that will not be good for them. Lastly, telling them that they are not even trying. Recovery is out of their hands, especially without proper help."

Antonio bit his lip. He would help Lovino. Whatever it takes, he'd help him through it.

"Now, I'm concerned whether this friend of yours is a male or female, but nevertheless, I feel like it should only be appropriate that you understand what some long-term and short-term side effects of anorexia are."

Antonio scooted closer. "T-there are long-term effects?" He asked, voice dripping with worry.

Katyusha nodded solemnly. "Sadly, this is the mental illness with the highest mortality rate. Short-term effects for both genders are: frizzy hair and excessive hair loss, nail buds looking very unhealthy, bags under eyes, bad breath – Though this has nothing to do with hygiene, they could brush their teeth all they like. But because their body is trying to survive, it starts eating away at things like muscles. Which results in bad breath. – Fainting or dizziness, and for girls, loss of a period. When a girl stops eating, she doesn't have her period, but is still prone to emotional changes that usually comes with it."

Antonio tried to absorb what Katyusha was saying. He does see a lot of these descriptions with Lovino.

"Long-term effects are: Being prone to heart attacks, because of when they stopped eating, their body took muscle...and the heart is a muscle...so in result, the body basically starts eating itself..."

She trailed off when Antonio gasped out a sob. He rubbed at his eyes furiously with the back of his hand and cleared his throat. "G-go on...sorry, I just…" He mumbled, trying to hide the tears.

Katyusha got up from her desk and walked around, pulling up a chair to sit next to Antonio. She wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gave him a reassuring hug. "That doesn't mean they are going to die, recovery is still an option for them. It sounds like they still have some fight in them, and you are doing the right thing." She said softly.

Antonio sniffed, not meeting her eyes. "...I didn't though...I should've come to you sooner...I thought that I could help him by introducing him to another person that has...anorexia. I thought I understood him..." He murmured, his voice breaking.

"That...is actually a wonderful idea. Exposing him to others will make him feel not as isolated as he thought he was. Also, I'm a little relieved to hear he is a male." She commented, making Antonio groan softly.

"Crap...I messed up..." He said, finally looking up.

Katyusha laughed gently. "I kind of figured. For women, losing your period for that long can mean infertility in the future. It's...actually another long-term effect."

Antonio nodded, feeling helpless. "...I've kinda been doing my own research...is it true that it never goes away?" He asked, but was honestly terrified of the answer.

"Well… people who develop an eating disorder, often develop two mindsets. A positive and a negative. When it gets really bad, the negative mindset almost consumes the positive. The positive is the person before the eating disorder. The negative is the one that constantly tells them that they're not good enough and keeps them from eating. However, during and after recovery, the positive mindset beats the negative. But...the negative mindset doesn't exactly go away. It's not as strong as when they were dealing with the eating disorder, but it lurks in the back of their minds. But I assume you have one strong friend, and you are an awesome friend for coming in here. I think he'll be fine." She smiled at Antonio, placing a hand over his.

Antonio smiled a little, but he couldn't help but feel somewhat unnerved. He really wondered what it must've been like, always seeing the positive Lovino before the eating disorder, being able to see the _actual_ Lovino.

"Is there anything else you want to ask or bring up?" Katyusha asked.

Antonio shook his head, reaching for his bag. "...I think that just about covers it for today...Thank you very much, I can't tell you how much this means to me." Antonio said honestly, finally looking Katyusha in the eyes.

She nodded, standing up. "Of course. Come and talk to me anytime. And, maybe sometime, we can have Roma in here, himself. Of course, with the support of you." She added, smiling.

Antonio stood, walking to the door. "Yeah, I look forward to it."

~oO0Oo~

Lovino was perched on top of his small dresser, feet swinging back and forth. His body twisting so he could look at himself in the mirror behind him. He poked his cheeks. They were still chubby. He lifted his shirt and frowned. The numbers on the scale didn't matter anymore. No matter how much weight he dropped, he could never copy the image he had in his mind. Feeling disappointed, he dropped the shirt and jumped off the dresser, walking over to his closet and pulling out a weight scale.

83 pounds. Lovino sighed. He remembered the first time he weighed himself. It was in the notebook his grandfather took from him, but if he recalled, he started out at 135.

At that same moment, his phone chimed, alerting him of a text.

He huffed and put the scale back inside his closet, hidden from Feliciano and his grandfather. He walked over to his bed and plopped down, turning on his phone to see the message. Unsurprisingly, it was from Antonio.

 _'I love you~'_

Lovino blushed, quickly typing a response.

 _'You seem to forget that I'm still super pissed at you. Leave me alone.'_ He hit send, clutching his phone as he waited for a reply.

About thirty seconds later, his phone chimed again.

 _'Oh I didn't forget about that. But I still love you. I still think you are the most beautiful, special person ever and I really can't stand not being near you.'_

Lovino wanted to hide or cringe, because that was the sappiest, cheesiest thing Antonio has said yet. Still, Lovino felt his frustration with Antonio ebb somewhat.

 _'You are such an idiot.'_ He sent the text and sighed. He really was.

His phone chimed seconds later, and Lovino seriously wondered how Antonio was typing so fast.

 _'I know, I don't mind though if Lovi still loves me anyway. By the way, you aren't at school. I miss you.'_

Lovino frowned, wondering what he should tell Antonio… All he knew was the appointments... But considering he's trusted him so far, and Antonio's been his main support for a while now, after all...

 _'Yeah...I had to go to a therapist today, remember? Which was fucking awful, by the way. In about 15 minutes though I have to go to a nutritionist.'_

Lovino wondered what Antonio was going to say. Would he support his grandfather? Would he say "Oh! That's great!" Lovino could already hear Antonio saying that, and he clenched the phone tighter in his hand. The second the chime came from his phone, he hastily read the message.

 _'Ah...that doesn't sound fun. I hope you have a better day tomorrow, my love. Or...Would you prefer it if I spoke in my language? Mi amor~~~'_

Lovino couldn't help it, he laughed. Antonio was so unpredictable sometimes.

 _'Idiot. That's such a sappy thing to say in the first place. But if you must know, in Italian it would be amore mio.'_

Jesus...It took mere seconds before Antonio replied back.

 _'I LOVE IT!'_

Lovino smiled. Just like that, his day seemed better.

~oO0Oo~

"Hurry up, Lovino, we'll be late!" Lovino's grandfather, Romulus shouted from the car.

Lovino closed the door, slowly descending down the front steps and making his way over. It wasn't fair. Other parents seemed to be so attentive to their kids. He wondered if his parents would've been more compassionate than his grandfather? He pulled those thoughts away, he was determined to get this over with. As soon as he closed the passenger's door and they pulled out of the driveway, his grandfather began yapping.

"I don't know what's going on, Lovino, but this time do your best and try to cooperate." His grandfather told him as they drove.

Lovino simply rolled his eyes. This was going to be good.

When they arrived and checked in, Romulus insisted on going with Lovino. The two made their way to the small office.

"Welcome Mr. Vargas!" The nutritionist greeted them happily, ushering them in. "Before we start anything, let's get you weighed, Lovino."

Reluctantly, Lovino stood on the scale again. He hated this. He hated everyone having to know. He hated that his grandfather was sitting in the corner, observing and ready to make a move if Lovino stepped out of line.

"Hmm...When is the last time you ate?" The man asked.

Lovino was so tired. "A decent meal? Yesterday." Lovino said nonchalantly. He remembered trying to hide his puke-smelling breath from Antonio and Feliciano.

The nutritionist nodded, typing away on the computer. "Well, Lovino. Let's get you started for a healthy, dietary plan, instead of starving yourself."

Lovino tensed, immediately drawing in on himself. "What if I don't follow it?" He challenged, no longer caring that his grandfather was glaring at him.

The nutritionist looked up to him. "...Mr. Vargas, surely you aware that your grandson has anorexia nervosa? Have you taken him to a doctor before coming here?"

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Lovino nearly shouted, his temper rising.

"Quiet, Lovino!" His grandfather hissed.

The nutritionist continued. "I don't know how much you know, but based on research, some patients tend to be lost causes…Some don't want to get help, especially the aggressive ones like your grandson. You might want do a checkup and get prescribed some anti-depressant pills, before you bring him here."

Romulus' face visibly paled. He cleared his throat and glanced at Lovino, who was still furious. "...Are you trying to tell me, that he is beyond help?" He asked.

Even Lovino felt something in the pit of his stomach. That's not what Antonio had told him. But Antonio wouldn't lie… He forced himself not to say anything and pulled out his phone.

 _'Nutritionist says I'm a lost cause.'_

The conversation dragged on before the nutritionist actually got into writing referrals. Lovino wanted nothing more than to sleep. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to look at the message.

 _'...That's a lie. You are not a lost cause. What the fuck kind of nutritionist are you seeing!?'_

Lovino fought the smile that tried to show on his face. It was weird when Antonio cussed.

 _'Like I fucking know. Anyway, I'll take your word for it. Damn...that's really bad if you of all people seem smarter than a damn nutritionist.'_

He sat there, his feet now rocking back and forth as he wondered just what Antonio would reply with next. He kept his phone out, holding it and watching intently at the screen until Antonio finally replied.

' _Good. And I can assure you, a monkey seems smarter than that nutritionist!'_

Lovino couldn't help a small huff, he prepared to type another message, until his grandfather adressed him.

"Lovino? Who are you texting?" His grandfather asked, frowning.

"Feli, why?" Lovino lied. He slipped his phone back into his pocket and glared.

His grandfather furrowed his brows and stood up, preparing to leave. "We'll have to talk about that later… Thank you for the referrals." He said as he led the two of them out of the small office.

Lovino had a sense of dread. What more could happen today? Hasn't he gone through enough? Can't he just sleep?

...Can't he just shut himself out, from everyone?

The last words his grandfather said to him, before Lovino even had the chance to react as they climbed back into the car, was "Lovino...I really wish you would stop this nonsense and stop being so selfish."

His heart sank.


	8. Chapter 8

I cannot even begin to say how touched I am to those of you who are offering a lending ear and a helping hand. It means so much to me. I have always felt that this fandom was one of the biggest supporters I had when I went through severe anorexia. Back then, I didn't have a lot of sympathy and my family were either angry, sad or had never tried to understand it. They still don't, and I actually decided to give them the link to this fic to read. I hope they can get past the relationship between AntonioxLovino to actually absorb the real message of this fanfic. (I question how accepting they are of gay relationships)

i was busy traveling the entire day, but I did have this chapter half finished and it is relatively shorter than the others. I suppose it's appropriate, since the update was not so long ago.

Anyway, beware of this chapter. This does not in any way reflect my current mood and is completely fictional. Lovino's entire situation is purely fictional. I experienced it differently, but most if not all the feelings were still there.

Warnings/notes for this chapter:

*Major suicidal thoughts

*A little bit of bulimia

*Overall a very negative feeling for the entire chapter

*Trigger warnings

Tread carefully, okay guys?

* * *

Chapter 8. _"I hate this girl named Ana,_

 _She makes my life a hell,_

 _Someone hear my silent screams,_

 _Cause she won't let me tell."_

* * *

Lovino's absolutely had enough.

He gritted his teeth, positively shaking as Romulus unscrewed his door from the frame. His phone was confiscated and now he was only allowed to go to and from school and home.

"I am going to carefully monitor you and make sure you eat." Romulus told him as he dragged the new door over.

Feliciano watched from behind their grandfather, staring at his brother with a sad look on his face.

God, Lovino hated them all.

"Then why take my phone?" He hissed and glared at Romulus.

"Because you lied to me. Feli said you only texted him in the morning. I don't know who you're talking to, but unless you come clean, I'm going to take extra precautions."

Lovino immediately turned his glare to his brother, whose eyes suddenly widened with realization. Idiot.

Romulus continued, "Please understand that I don't know what to do anymore, Lovino. You don't seem to care, so now I have to take matters into my own hands. I don't want you to lock yourself up here. I want you to start eating."

Lovino didn't say anything, he simply curled in on himself, bringing his knees to his chest.

Seeming satisfied that his grandson hadn't voiced any objections, he finished installing the new door, one without a lock.

~oO0Oo~

Lately, mornings were getting harder to wake up to. Lovino's body would take about five minutes just to gather the energy to get out of bed. He would get in the shower, always standing in front of the mirror and pointing out more flaws. But this morning, Lovino didn't only point out his flaws and blemishes...

Why did he have to take up so much space? Why wasn't his grandfather even trying to understand? Though, he supposed with a bitter smile, that he deserved to not be understood.

He deserved to die, he thought as he pinched and squeezed his stomach. Maybe he was inconveniencing everyone…

He wouldn't be surprised if Antonio didn't want him. Who would want someone with horrible skin, gross hair, and next to no self-worth?

As Lovino was getting into the shower, he felt like he wasn't awake, it still felt like he was dreaming. Even as the hot water ran down his back, he felt numb.

Antonio must've lied about finding a way out of this. Lovino could see no end.

After taking a shower and getting dressed, Lovino quickly brushed his teeth. The original intention was so that he could hopefully avoid eating yet again, but Romulus was having none of it.

"I don't care that you've already brushed your teeth, just re-brush them after you're done." He said with a voice that left no room for argument.

Lovino grimaced and sat down on the chair across from his grandfather. He looked down at the plate in front of him and felt sick. Scrambled eggs, toast, and a banana. He looked up and saw both Feliciano and Romulus staring at him.

"I. Hate. You both." Lovino found himself saying.

Romulus' eyes flashed with something Lovino couldn't quite put a name on. "Eat." He demanded.

Feliciano's eyes were watery and he was pushing the food around on his plate. "Lovi...maybe you should just ea-"

"Shut it!" Lovino snapped, his hands slamming down on the table.

"Lovino, you're going to sit here until you eat that. If you don't want to miss school, eat it now." Romulus said, turning to Feliciano soon after. "Feli, better hurry up, you have half an hour left."

Angrily, Lovino grabbed the fork placed beside the plate of food, stabbing the eggs and hesitantly holding it up to his mouth. He could always just throw it right back up…

With that thought set in his mind, he quickly ate the food and hurried to get ready.

~oO0Oo~

"I'm proud of you, Lovi." Feliciano said as they were walking to the school. "I really hope you get better, you haven't been yourself for a while now. I miss the old Lovi."

"Just shut the fuck up." Lovino growled out. The sooner they get to the school, the better.

When they walked through the school's doors, Lovino ignored Antonio, who made to hug him, and ran straight to the bathroom. He quickly ran into an open stall and began shoving his fingers down his throat.

"L-Lovi? Are you okay?" Antonio asked as he entered the bathroom. He listened for Lovino to say something, but all he heard was a quiet gag. "Lovi? What's wrong? Are you feeling sick?"

"Go away, dammit." Lovino growled out.

"...I...what are you doing?" Antonio questioned as he noticed Lovino was behind one of the stalls. He could see him bent over the toilet, one hand holding back his hair, the other….

"Oh, Lovi...don't..." His voice wavered. "Lovi, here, come out and let's talk."

Lovino didn't respond, and another gag was heard that echoed throughout the bathroom.

"Lovi...Please don't do this to yourself. You don't have to. I'm here for you." Antonio tried once more. "Please come out...it's making me really sad to watch you do this to yourself..."

Antonio's heart dropped when Lovino finally managed to throw up his breakfast. He coughed a bit, then flushed the toilet. The second the stall door opened, Antonio enveloped Lovino in a hug. "A-Antonio-" He started, but Antonio sobbed onto his shoulder, quieting him.

"Lovi, this is...this…" Antonio tried to say. He couldn't even think of the words.

"...I'm sorry..." Lovino murmured, still feeling numb. He knew he should be surprised that Antonio was crying, of all things, but he felt almost emotionless. "...I'm sorry I inconvenience you so much. I'm sorry you have to waste your time worrying about someone like me."

"Stop it!" Antonio sobbed, holding Lovino tighter. "Please, just stop..."

"….I'm sorry..."

~oO0Oo~

Lovino was very unstable, or so Antonio realized. He found him peeling the skin around his nails often. Or he would completely tune out, even when Antonio was talking to him.

It was very unnerving. When he asked Lovino why he was acting the way he was, his response was even worse.

"I take up too much space in the world."

Antonio didn't know what to do, so he decided to once again pay a visit to Katyusha.

"Yes, it seems to be getting very serious." Katyusha said sadly. "It can be very frustrating, to watch them like this. But you are not a parent, Antonio. You can't be with him at home. He can, however, still get better... We will help him get better. Let's think of some things we can say or do to help him."

Antonio nodded. "Okay..."

"Well, it sounds to me like you are the one person he trusts. As that person, I think he also trusts you to check on him often."

"But- his grandfather...He took his phone..." Antonio said, frowning.

Katyusha sighed. "Horrible thing to do. Listen, Antonio, if you want to help Roma, maybe it would be better to give me a real name and I can look him up here. I'll contact his grandfather and talk to him about the phone thing."

Antonio bit his lip in worry. "...School policy is that if a student is hurting themselves, the nurse has to report it." He recited, reading it off of the sign on the back of the door.

Katyusha frowned. "...You are a smart one, Antonio. Yes, that would be the case, but it would also help your friend."

Antonio stood up, shaking his head. "Sorry, I really can't. He'd hate me forever. I do appreciate and would love to hear more tips and information from you, but I really can't give his name." he told her as grabbed his bag.

She sighed. "That's the story we hear from a lot of students. It's in the best interests for the two of you if you just tell me his name."

Antonio rolled his eyes. "No, _you_ think it's in the bests of interests. But sometimes, getting the school involved and people who are forced to perhaps even call social services is not better than figuring something for yourself out. He is in danger. But I know for a fact that whatever you are able to do won't really help him. You may specialize in eating disorders, but how many have you actually cured?" Antonio growled out.

Katyusha stared at Antonio with a deep frown. "My job is to teach about it and report."

"Not to heal?" Antonio questioned. When he received no answer from Katyusha, he turned and walked away without a word.

~oO0Oo~

He could feel himself getting backed into a corner, while at the same time trying desperately to push everyone away. He had made the one person that had been helping him so much cry. Antonio did not cry.

What was wrong with him? Maybe he really was being as selfish as his grandfather had told him. Maybe if he were gone the weight on their shoulders would be lifted.

Lovino could feel himself wasting away and there was no end in sight. Maybe dying would be better than having to continue like this. He hated hurting people, especially Antonio. He was not worth their concern or their help.

He was currently sitting behind the gym building once more. He knew Antonio was probably looking for him, but he couldn't stand the hurt look in his eyes.

He was stuck between being hurt that no one was doing anything to help him while not understanding, and was glad that this was happening. He was glad that people were treating him the way he deserved to be treated. He didn't deserve to be understood.

As he was thinking, he absentmindedly began picking the skin around his nails again. Wincing as he pulled too hard and blood seeped out. This didn't feel like it was enough. Thoughts swirled his mind about how he was too ugly to deserve even the pleasures of food. He lifted up his pant leg, revealing a series of bruises that ran up and down the entire leg. It wasn't on purpose, his body was simply getting weaker and more fragile.

Lovino closed his eyes as he fought the tears that threatened to overflow. No one was going to help him. He, himself wasn't able to ask for help. Every time he wanted to, every time he tried working up the courage, it was never voiced. He tried confiding in Antonio more, but the words never came out. He wanted to tell his grandfather everything, but each attempt was shattered.

He was completely and utterly alone.

~oO0Oo~

Antonio was seriously freaking out. He looked everywhere for Lovino, from all of the classrooms, to his car, to the courtyard, to the bathrooms and even the cafeteria. He was no where to be found.

"Gil, Francis! Have you seen Lovi anywhere!?" He asked in a panicked voice as his two friends passed by.

Gilbert shook his head and Francis took on a look of concern. "Was he here earlier?" He asked.

Antonio nodded. "He came to school today, and I know for a fact he's still here. Feliciano's looking for him too."

Both Francis and Gilbert helped search for Lovino, while at the same time trying not to make too much of a scene. Antonio asked anyone he could about Lovino, but all just shook their heads. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. If only Lovino still had his phone…

"This is more worrying than the time he broke down behind the gym!" Gilbert groaned, coming back from checking in the auditorium.

"….Did anyone check there?" Francis asked.

Antonio shook his head slowly. "No...no I don't think anyone did." He said as he was already starting to run in that direction.

He ran through the school building, bursting out the back doors and practically sprinting to the gym building. As he rounded the corner, relief washed over him.

There Lovino was, curled up with his face buried in his hands. Antonio had feared the worst. "Lovi..." He murmured, causing the Italian to lift his head.

He had red eyes and tear-stained cheeks, but he looked surprised nonetheless. "A-Antonio..." He said breathlessly, pushing himself off the ground. He made to walk over to Antonio, who was standing a mere few feet away. After his first step towards him, Lovino felt light-headed. He tried to find footing, but found it to be too late.

Both their worlds came crashing down around them.

Antonio could only watch in horror as Lovino visibly wobbled, before collapsing, hitting the ground with a hard thud.

"...L-Lovi? Lovi!" He shouted and ran to him. Antonio fumbled to get his phone out of his pocket to dial 9-1-1. They answered immediately, and Antonio forced himself to remain calm for Lovino's sake.

" _9-1-1, what's your emergency?"_ The other line said automatically.

"Uh...Y-yeah um...M-my friend collapsed, we're at the h-high school, behind the gym..." Antonio stammered out, watching Lovino's slow breathing.

He proceeded to give the address and was asked to stay on the line to give a description of how Lovino was faring. He could hear sirens in the distance and adrenaline made his heart pound in his chest. He couldn't form a logical thought. Was Lovino going to die? Was he dying? Was it too late?

Antonio did the only thing he could think of in that instance. He gently caressed Lovino's cheek, leaning down and giving him a soft kiss on the head. "Please stay, Lovi. Don't give up. Please don't let it take you... Please...stay with me."


	9. Chapter 9

Four more chapters to go for this story. I've put all other fanfictions I've been writing on hold until I finished this one. Thankfully, I have a break next week so I might be able to fit two long chapters in an update. This chapter is actually longer than the rest and I have to say, I'm sorry for all of the cliffhangers. I like doing that...

Anyway, not as many warnings except for the obvious. I hope you guys enjoy and RxR.

* * *

 _Chapter 9: "My worst enemy is this girl called Ana,_

 _She's a demon in my head,_

 _She seemed so nice at first,_

 _But I was so misled."_

* * *

Lovino's eyes felt heavy. This didn't bother him much because every morning they were heavy. His body didn't want to move. He didn't want to get up and live anymore.

His mind told him everything was his fault. He was the one that made everyone worried. He was the one that was selfish. He didn't deserve anything.

His eyes fluttered open and he blearily looked around the room. Surprisingly, there was Feliciano sitting beside his bed, resting his head by Lovino's waist. He stared at him for a long moment. Dark bags were under his eyes and his hair was a mess.

Then he turned to the left and paused. Antonio was sitting there, curled up in a chair. It looked horribly uncomfortable and his head was resting awkwardly on the backrest. He looked a mess too, as his curly hair seemed disheveled in many places. The room was dark, but Lovino knew it wasn't night because a strip of light bled into the room through a crack in the curtains.

Lovino looked up and saw the machinery he was attached to, the lights and small beeping making him feel uncomfortable. On the small tabletop by the curtains, Lovino noticed various bouquets of flowers. He wondered who sent them. Why would anyone want to give Lovino flowers?

When Antonio shifted in the seat, Lovino tried to talk. His voice was raspy, and the second he made a sound, both Antonio and Feliciano jumped.

Feliciano's eyes widened and teared up when he saw that his brother was finally awake. Antonio smiled, scooting closer to the bed and placing a hand on Lovino's, which was lying uselessly at his side.

"How are you feeling?" Antonio asked softly.

Feliciano leaned closer too, obviously fighting the urge to smother Lovino. "Can you talk? Should I get the nurse? Grandpa?"

Lovino's frown was enough of an answer for Feliciano. He tried clearing his throat, but his voice was still weak and raspy. "I'm cold."

Immediately Antonio walked over to the cabinets on the opposite end of the room and took out some blankets. He walked back over to Lovino's bed and began unfolding two of them, throwing them neatly over Lovino. "Is that better?" He asked with a kind smile, letting his hand caress Lovino's head.

Lovino shrugged, snuggling into the blankets. "...Who- What's with the flowers?" Lovino asked, looking past his brother to the flowers sitting by the curtains.

Feliciano grinned. "Do you like them? Alfred, Gilbert and Francis sent them~"

Lovino shrugged again. "...Why?"

Antonio made a pained smile and Feliciano faltered. "Because it's you, Lovi. Everyone's worried about you. They want you to get better." Antonio said, moving his thumb in small circles on the back of Lovino's hand. He reached over and grabbed a bottle of water from the countertop, opening it and helping Lovino sit up enough to drink it. When Lovino finished and weakly wiped his mouth, he glanced around the room.

"...Where's grandpa?"

"Oh, he ran home to grab you some books and extra clothes. They say you have to spend maybe another two or three days here." Feliciano answered.

It was quiet, both Antonio and Feliciano stared at Lovino, trying to figure out if he was okay or not. "...I'm sorry..." Lovino rasped out, letting his eyes close. "I'm sorry I inconvenience all of you...and I'm really tired..."

Lovino felt a warm hand gently pat his head, it's fingers threading through his hair and Lovino sighed at the nice feeling. "Don't be sorry, we're not inconvenienced at all. Get some rest, Feli and I will stay with you." Antonio's voice said soothingly, lulling Lovino to sleep.

~oO0Oo~

Antonio gently ran his fingers through Lovino's hair for about ten minutes before leaning back in his chair and sighing. Feliciano resumed resting his head on the bed next to Lovino's side. Neither one said anything, instead watching how Lovino's chest rose and fell with each weak breath he took.

"I read about it. There's a cure." Antonio suddenly said.

Feliciano lifted his head up, looking at Antonio oddly. "Read about what? Lovi's illness? What cure?"

"I don't really know yet. But, I'll keep looking." Antonio murmured, watching how peaceful Lovino looked. Despite the pale skin, dry lips and skeletal-like body, Antonio thought Lovino looked beautiful. He couldn't understand how Lovino didn't see it. He felt a pang of hurt in his chest when he thought about all the negative things Lovino tells himself on a daily basis.

"...I've...been looking too." Feliciano muttered, looking down at his lap. "I was curious and worried, but I wasn't sure what he had…I-is it really...A-anore-"

"Anorexia." Antonio finished for him. "And yes, it is."

Feliciano squirmed in his seat, seeming uncomfortable. "What I've learned, is that there was a positive mind and a negative mind. I'm not too sure, but right now, Lovi's negative mind is winning the inner battle he constantly has to go through… Or so I read..."

Antonio nodded. "That sounds about right."

Feliciano let out a choked sob, fresh tears running down his already tear-stained face. "I want him to get better, Antonio. I don't want to lose him. I want him to live normally and to be happy and to not be so insecure! I want the Lovi I knew back..."

Antonio stared at Lovino, at the person he loved, and tried to imagine a world without him in it. He, himself, had not even experienced how normal Lovino once was and can be. It hurt him deeply to think that this might be the only Lovino he'll ever get to know.

"When your grandfather gets back, I'm going to talk to him..." Antonio sighed.

Feliciano sniffled and wiped his eyes. "...He already lied to the staff, saying you were family...What are you going to say to him?"

"I'm going to ask him if he could let Lovino have his phone back, and if he'd be willing to let him go camping with us. The nurse at school was right...I can't watch Lovi all the time, but if I could just have a weekend...I can try to do something." Antonio told Feliciano, his voice dripping with determination.

Feliciano sniffled once more, glancing from Antonio, to his brother. "Why do you feel that it's your job to take care of Lovi? I mean, he has both me and my grandpa...But why do you feel so obligated to save him?" Feliciano asked in honest curiosity.

Antonio considered Feliciano's question, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair and humming. "Well, although I've never been the kind of person to help if it didn't concern me... Lovi's different. This one time, my older brother broke his leg and I was the one who tried to take care of him. Of course, my mom was there to do it, but...it's not an obligation. It just depends on who the person is, I suppose. I love Lovi, and so when I see that he's hurting, I want to do everything in my power to help him." Antonio said, smiling.

The younger Italian stared with wide eyes at Antonio, his mouth eventually forming a grin. "When you talk like that...It makes it seem like everything will be okay."

Antonio nodded, propping his arm on the armrest and resting his chin on his palm. "Everything will be okay. Lovi's strong. He'll make it."

Before Feliciano could respond, the door opened and Romulus stepped through. He was carrying a bag and holding two books. He approached Lovino's bed and gently placed the bag beside the bed and the book on the same tabletop where the flowers were. He then made eye contact with Antonio, who had immediately sat upright when he first came in.

"I can't thank you enough. If you hadn't been there...I don't know what would've…." He told Antonio, a solemn expression on his face.

"It was really no problem...I am just as worried as you are." Antonio consoled, giving Romulus a weak smile.

He nodded and pulled up a chair, sitting beside Feliciano. "Has he woken up yet?" He asked, staring at his grandson who was sleeping soundly.

Feliciano nodded. "He did earlier. He asked who brought the flowers, where you were, and told us that he was cold. Not necessarily in that order."

Romulus heaved a big sigh, rubbing his temple. It was obvious the man was very stressed. Antonio hoped Lovino wouldn't wake up to seeing him looking so frustrated. Just then, Feliciano began talking cheerfully. He picked up the two books Romulus had brought, showing them to Antonio. "You brought Lovi's favorite books! Antonio, have you ever read this? Lovi once asked me to read it, but I could never finish it."

Antonio's eyes widened and he took the book from Feliciano. Huh...It was the same book Lovino was reading the day Antonio spoke to him in the hall. " _The Hangman's Daughter_ "...Antonio smiled fondly at the book as he recalled that day. Lovino had looked healthier then. He also remembered the fierce attitude that he gave him and his friends as they tried to talk to him.

It was strange...from the first moment Antonio talked to him he knew something was wrong. Maybe it was the first glance, or maybe it was when he shook his hand. Antonio remembered noticing how cold Lovino's hand had been.

With nothing to do in the room, he opened up the book and began to read to himself. It was interesting. The book took place in the 1600s and focused on murders, witchcraft and a love story blooming between the two protagonists. Antonio found himself reading three chapters before Lovino stirred once more.

Romulus, Feliciano and Antonio all perked and scooted closer once Lovino groaned. His eyes opened and he stared. First at Antonio, then Feliciano, and then his eyes landed on his grandfather. He visibly tensed and looked away.

Then Lovino noticed the book Antonio was holding. "That book..." He whispered, staring at it.

Antonio held it up, a smile on his face. "Yeah, I was waiting for you to wake up. I ended up reading three chapters of this. It's really good." He said cheerfully.

Lovino blinked and stared at Antonio, seemingly impressed. Romulus interrupted their little exchange by clearing his throat. Lovino frowned, but turned to look at him nonetheless.

"Lovino, there's a place I can take you to. It's a rehab center for people who do not eat. I would like you to stay there for at least three months." Romulus said, his voice already sounding stern.

"...What do they do there, grandpa?" Feliciano asked in a small voice.

Romulus reached into the bag and took out an article he had printed. "They have these programs that Lovino takes part in. They can teach him how to eat again."

"I'm not stupid, I know how to eat." Lovino hissed angrily, trying to sit up.

A sort of tension rose in the room. Romulus sighed and placed the article on Lovino's bed. "Er...Antonio… Do you think we can have a moment?" He asked.

But Lovino only reached over and took a hold of Antonio's shirt sleeve, preventing him from leaving. "No. I'm not listening to you, let alone talking to you if you make him leave." Lovino growled out.

Antonio smiled, gently unclenching Lovino's fingers from his shirt and taking a step back. "I'll be right back, Lovi. I'll just get something to drink from the vending machine down the hall, okay?" Lovino looked unconvinced and a little hurt that Antonio had moved away, so he held up the book, waving it as he walked out of the room. "How about I read this to you later? Okay? I'll be right back."

The door closed behind Antonio, leaving Lovino with his grandfather who had crossed his arms during the small little exchange, and Feliciano, who was frowning deeply.

Romulus started again, picking up the article and attempting to hand it to Lovino. He was stubborn, however, and simply turned away.

"Do you want to get better, Lovino? Don't you see how bad and serious this is? You are worrying both your little brother and I, and I just want you to get better. When you first checked in, I got questioned because they thought it was child abuse." Lovino's lip twitched in confusion, but he forced himself to remain composed and keep a straight, emotionless face. His grandfather continued, "Some say that it was caused by trauma...So Lovino...Did something happen? Will you be honest and tell me if anything happened? Did someone _do_ something to you? Sexually?"

Lovino slammed his fists onto the bed. "What the fuck!? No, there was not any trauma and nobody d-did anything! Who the hell told you that!?" Lovino asked angrily.

"It's in this pamphlet that the nurse gave me." Romulus said, pulling a small brochure from out of the bag. "It says causes to an eating disorder and how to cure them."

Lovino rolled his eyes, crossing his arms in frustration. "That's stupid. It's obviously not correct."

"Then what do you think? What's the correct way of going about this?" Romulus raised a brow and handed the brochure to Feliciano.

"If I knew, I'd be cured." Lovino frowned, slumping back against the bed. "But that's not the case. Can Antonio and I talk alone?"

Feliciano looked up in surprise while their grandfather frowned. "...Feli and I are going to get something to eat… and maybe go home to wash up and change. We'll be back in an hour or two." He said hesitantly. Lovino nodded and the two stood up.

Feliciano leaned over and gave Lovino a hug that lasted longer than Lovino would've liked. He awkwardly returned the embrace, avoiding his grandfathers gaze as he did so.

The two left and as soon as the door shut behind them, Lovino was alone. He sat quietly, contemplating the conversation they had just had. The article made no sense whatsoever.

He was relieved when Antonio finally came back, a candy bar between his teeth, a bottle of water in one arm, and a can of soda in the other. He looked around the room, giving Lovino a questioning look.

"They went back home to shower and change." Lovino murmured as Antonio kicked a seat closer to the bed and sat down. He let the candy bar fall from his mouth and land on his lap.

"Oh, okay. How are you feeling?" He immediately asked, smiling from ear to ear.

Lovino frowned as he saw that Antonio placed the bottle of water next to Lovino. "If you don't feel like water, I got soda." Antonio offered cheerfully.

"….I'm...good. Why are you so happy?"

"Because now I can read to you~"

Lovino glanced down to the book Antonio was holding and fought a smile that wanted to surface. "Er...are you sure? That book…" Lovino began, but Antonio opened it and shushed him.

"Shh~ Can I start from the third chapter? It's where I left off." He asked, flipping to the page.

With a nod from Lovino, Antonio began reading. As he read, he tried his best to subtly open the candy bar, tearing a few small pieces off and placing it on the wrapper on the bed.

Lovino listened as Antonio continued reading, staring up at the ceiling and sometimes even closing his eyes. He would glance at Antonio every now and then, and had to stop himself from smiling at Antonio, who was giving the characters funny voices whenever he read the dialogue.

Then, when Antonio was really getting into the book, Lovino's hand reached down, picking up a small piece of the candy and putting it into his mouth. He chewed slowly. Antonio had to focus on reading and not on celebrating at the fact that Lovino was eating something. He couldn't help but feel extreme joy at his new discovery.

Lovino was intimidated by large quantities of food. So it only made sense that Antonio present the food in pieces so Lovino didn't feel bad about eating it. He gripped the book tighter as Lovino continued picking at the candy bar, almost half of it was gone.

When Lovino had eaten all of the pieces left out for him, he closed his eyes, frowning. Antonio would not let those negative thoughts consume Lovino. He wouldn't give it the time to. So he reached over and poked Lovino's side as he kept reading, making the Italian jump.

"W-what-" He stammered, but Antonio prodded once more and smiled when Lovino gasped.

"Is someone ticklish?~" Antonio teased, poking one last time before his hand was smacked away.

"No! Don't poke me there, you freak!" Lovino growled, pulling the blankets around himself better. "It's all just fat anyway..."

At that Antonio put the book down. "It's not fat. I wasn't poking there because of that. I just wanted to see you smile." He explained simply, making Lovino shift uncomfortably.

"T-that's a stupid way of doing it..." He murmured, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes at Antonio.

Antonio shrugged. "It worked. You smiled for a second there."

"It was not a smile! I didn't-"

"Oh yes it was~ It was an adorable, beautiful smile. I just wish I could see it more."

Not knowing what to say or do, Lovino settled with hiding underneath the blanket, blushing madly and hoping Antonio wouldn't try to look.

To his relief, Antonio just laughed, patting where his head was. "Should I continue reading?" He asked as he picked the book up again. "It was getting pretty interesting."

"….Go ahead, idiot."

Antonio smiled, flipping the book open to where he left off.

~oO0Oo~

Lovino must've fallen asleep sometime during the story, because the next thing he knew, he was awoken by a loud cackle. A cackle that could belong to only one person….

"Where's the dweeb and his angry boyfriend?" Gilbert asked obnoxiously loud.

"Oh, Antonio~ you look like you've just woken up!" Francis commented.

Lovino chose to pretend he was asleep. It was better than having to deal with those two.

"SHHHH! He's still sleeping!" He heard Antonio growl angrily. It was strange. All Lovino's ever heard, his Antonio's cheerful, kind voice. It was definitely weird to hear him angry or even to snap like that...

"Whoops...How is he?" Francis asked in a much quieter voice. Lovino heard a chair being pulled up to where Antonio should be sitting.

"Doing better. I was reading to him earlier and he fell asleep. It was so cute. And since I could hardly sleep since he was brought here, I decided to take a nap as well."

"Are you planning on missing school tomorrow too?" Gilbert asked from the foot of the bed.

"...That depends if Lovi is released. I mean, I was barely allowed to come today." Antonio answered with a sigh.

"Ah, so I'm guessing he's back?" Lovino heard Francis say.

"Yeah...He got back early in the morning. He wanted me to work all day, but I managed to escape. I'm probably going to get hell for it when I head back though." Antonio laughed softly. "But it's worth it." Lovino felt a gentle hand rest on his head. His cheeks warmed and he squeezed his eyes shut in embarrassment. Antonio was so cheesy, it made Lovino cringe.

"Hm. Alfred is coming by in a few. Arthur might tag along with him. They were both worried about Lovino." Francis informed Antonio.

"Okay...His grandfather and Feli should be back in a little while. I don't know how his grandfather will feel to have so many guests he doesn't even know..." Antonio murmured, unsure.

Lovino pulled the blankets down, enough to peek over and see Antonio. "I don't think he'll care, to be honest." He told Antonio, voice heavy with sleep.

He earned a fond smile from Antonio, who leaned in to give him a kiss. It was a small, quick peck on the lips, but it still made Lovino's chest warm and even seemed to brighten his mood.

"You two are so cute~" Francis cooed, and dodged Lovino the second he tried to kick him.

"What are you two doing here?" Lovino hissed, trying to sit up. Antonio immediately helped him, even going so far as to place a pillow behind his back. He gave Antonio a thankful glance.

Gilbert grinned. "We came to see you, duh! Is there something wrong with that?"

"There is when it's you two. You're both so obnoxious." Lovino grumbled.

A knock at the door made all four of them turn. Alfred and Arthur came in, both looking nervous. When Alfred spotted Lovino, he quickly crossed the room, surprising everyone when he hugged him.

Lovino sat there, stunned. He looked questioningly at Antonio, who seemed stiff and had a small frown on his face.

"I knew you were bad, but I didn't think it was that bad, Lovino... let's get better together." Alfred said determinedly, releasing Lovino after another thirty seconds of hugging.

"….Yeah…." Lovino murmured.

"There's all sorts of rumors around the school. My favorite is that you attacked Lovino." Arthur said amusedly, staring at Antonio.

"That's stupid. Everyone can see how much these two are in love." Francis sighed.

Antonio ignored Francis, looking at the clock as he pulled what remained of the candy bar out from his pocket. He broke it into several pieces once more, and placed it on the bed. He waited eagerly for Lovino to pick at it and tried to subtly slide it closer to him.

Conversation continued, Gilbert sat at the end of the bed, Francis and Antonio sat on Lovino's right and Alfred on his left. Arthur was looking out the window, next to where the flowers still stood. The atmosphere itself grew even more exciting as Gilbert and Francis began talking about going camping.

"It would be fun! I'll bring Luddy, poor guy is bored out of his mind these days." Gilbert said enthusiastically.

Francis nodded. "I liked it as well, but I hate some aspects of it. I constantly want to take a nice, hot, shower." He said with a pout.

"Lovi and I are definitely sharing a tent!~" Antonio declared.

"I'm sharing one with my brother, if we're even going." Lovino immediately said.

Antonio grasped his chest dramatically. "You wound me, lovi!" He cried, pretending to tear up. Lovino smiled a little, rolling his eyes and taking a piece of the candy bar. He popped it into his mouth and chewed slowly. His relaxed face slowly began turning into a frown and it almost looked as if he was going to spit out the candy.

Antonio took that as his cue to act. He leaned over, placing a kiss on the tip of his nose. "You are beautiful, my love." He murmured, causing Lovino to blush.

"So that's how it is."

Everyone froze. The room was quiet and Antonio turned to see Romulus standing in the doorway. He had one eyebrow raised and was glancing between Lovino and Antonio. Feliciano was at his side, his eyes wide and worried.

It was Lovino that broke the deafening silence. "Shit…."


	10. Chapter 10

New chapter! I'm thinking of illustrating some parts of this... It's a little saddening. I don't want to let this story end yet. How would you guys feel about a sequel of sorts? Though, this story hasn't ended just yet, so I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, this chapter is pretty long. Well, at least longer than most of the other chapters. In this chapter, we not only get to see what triggered Lovino's ED, but also ways to help with it. I mean, most of Antonio's efforts are probably what you should do to help someone with an ED, but if you can't, the next best method would be the Actual/negative mind comparison. You'll see what this is later in the chapter.

Alright, I'm done blabbering. Same warnings as before and I hope you guys are enjoying reading this story to at least some extent.

* * *

Chapter 10. _"I'm a prisoner to this girl Ana,_

 _I'm captive to her will,_

 _I can't help but do what she says._

 _How can I be so fat still?"_

* * *

"Why did you think you could wear something like that?"

Lovino froze, his textbook open in front of him and a taller student hovering over him. The classroom excitement for when the teacher stepped out had died down and he could feel all eyes on him.

"Seriously though, your brother's skinny. You? Not so much. When you sit like that, you can kinda see your fat." The boy sneered above Lovino.

Lovino determinedly avoided eye contact with the boy. Instead, he chose to focus on anything out of the window. Thoughts swirled around in his head. Lovino was the type of person to just punch and ask questions later...so why was he not doing it now? He kept urging himself to do something, to stand up to the boy and give a swift punch directly on the nose, then walk out.

But the more Lovino thought about it, the more difficult it seemed to become. The boy kept spewing insults at Lovino, and he couldn't do anything about it. He imagined someone, anyone, coming to the rescue. Lovino tried shying away, to curl in on himself, but still the boy continued.

After class Lovino could honestly say he felt like shit. He was beyond upset with himself that he didn't say anything. Maybe that's what he deserved, since he couldn't even defend himself. He was weak. When had he become so weak?

He sighed and decided to skip lunch. It was boring hanging out with just his brother anyway. He found a quiet place on a small bench in the hallway. He supposed he could spend this time re-reading his favorite book, it didn't seem like anyone was going to come around to bother him.

Fifteen minutes passed in peaceful silence, but Lovino found he couldn't focus on his book anymore. His hand reached down and gripped what fat was on his stomach. He could pinch it. He didn't realize how much he hated it. He grimaced and reached up to pinch his arms. Everywhere was squishy.. That boy in the class wasn't lying. A sudden, disturbing thought ran through Lovino's mind. Had he been this ugly and fat all along? Did people look at him and laugh at how ugly he was? Embarrassed, Lovino gripped the book tighter and tried desperately to focus on reading.

His efforts were in vain as he spent the remainder of the lunch hour brooding over his weight. He'd have to change, somehow. The lunch bell rang and Lovino packed his things, dreading his next class.

Lovino noticed him in class. He always sat with two other obnoxious idiots. Lovino didn't particularly like the blond one. They sat a couple seats from him in his class and he could always hear the boy with curly brown hair laughing at his two friends' antics.

Now, Lovino considered himself bisexual. He often would glance out of the corner of his eyes to admire the Spaniard. His name was Antonio. Lovino knew he didn't have a chance with him. He was too good for Lovino. He, himself was way too ugly for him. He'd never notice him. With those thoughts continuously bombarding him, he chose to seclude himself even more. Nobody would want him, let alone Antonio.

Lovino's goal weight is 110 pounds. If he can reach that, he'll stop. He skipped more meals gradually, sometimes even fasting for a day or two. He secretly bought a scale and kept it in his closet. Every night he'd weigh himself, recording his weight in a small notebook. Within two weeks, he dropped almost 10, 15 pounds. Lovino really couldn't believe it. If he lost weight this rapidly, what's to stop him from losing a couple more? He didn't have to shoot for a mere 110 – he could probably make it to 90, or even 80. Lovino considered this. Was it okay to lose that much weight?

He decided to look it up. While searching, he came across various pictures of people who definitely looked to be 80 pounds or less. They were everything Lovino wanted to be. Thin. Hipbones, collarbone, thigh gap… Perfection. He bit his lip as he stared at the images, wishing he could look half that thin.

~oO0Oo~

G-grandpa…." Lovino started, really at a loss for words. His eyes were wide and he had a steadily growing tint of blush staining his cheeks.

Romulus crossed his arms, raising a brow at Antonio. "...Carriedo… Can I speak with you for a moment?" He said in a gruff voice.

Lovino cringed. What was his grandfather going to do? Was he going to ban Antonio from seeing him? Was he going to beat him up? He grasped Antonio's arm tightly.

But Antonio seemed to put on a brave front. His expression was neutral, showing no signs of fear or worry. Instead, he nodded and turned to lovino, shooting him a kind smile and gently removing his hand. He mouthed a "Don't worry" to him, before standing up and following Romulus into the hallway.

Once the door was closed, Romulus sighed. He looked Antonio up and down and furrowed his brows. "How long has...this been going on?" He asked him .

He thought for a moment, wondering what he should tell Lovino's grandfather. He didn't necessarily feel intimidated, he could understand how it must seem to suddenly discover your ill grandson in a relationship with a strange boy. "Almost two months." He decidedly answered.

Romulus nodded. "I know your family. Your grandfather and I were friends when we were younger."

Antonio smiled a little. "I had a feeling. Both my grandfather and dad talked about a Vargas."

"This is a difficult time for Lovino, I have nothing against your relationship, other than the fact that he didn't tell me and I am barely finding this out now. So I have to ask, why are you dating him?" Romulus changed the subject, narrowing his eyes at Antonio, who only frowned in response.

"I know it's a difficult time. In all honesty, I find plenty of things great about him. It sounds awful to hear you ask that because it sounds as if there's nothing to be gained from dating Lovino, when in fact it's an honor to simply just admire him. He is more than this illness and I'm beginning to think you don't see that." Antonio glared at Romulus intensely, never backing down or losing eye contact.

It almost looked like a flicker of anger flashed through Romulus' eyes, but he surprised Antonio by sighing heavily and slumping his shoulders. He ran a hand through his messy hair and leaned against the wall. "You're probably right. I'm old. I don't know the first thing about this illness and I don't know how to help Lovino. But...I saw him eat. I saw him put that candy in his mouth." Romulus murmured.

Antonio nodded, smiling a little. "There is hope for Lovino. He's not too far gone. I can tell he's strong and can fight it. But you also have to be willing to help him. You have to learn this illness inside out to be able to understand it and help him beat it. He can't do it alone."

Romulus gave Antonio a peculiar look. "...You really did your research..."

Antonio nodded earnestly. "Of course I did. I want to help Lovino. In any way I can."

Romulus gave a half smile, extending his hand to Antonio. "I knew your parents would've raised you right. I can see that my grandson is in good hands." He said softly.

Taking his hand and shaking it, Antonio beamed and grinned. "Of course." He responded. "We'll help Lovi get better."

~oO0Oo~

They returned to the room where everyone looked up anxiously. Lovino looked terrified, but his face soon became relieved and Feliciano sighed. Antonio took his seat next to Lovino, reaching out and taking his hand. Lovino's eyes widened and he glanced nervously at his grandfather, who pulled up a chair at the foot of Lovino's bed.

"I'm fine with it. But you and me are going to have a talk about keeping secrets. Especially if it's about dating." Romulus said sternly, but his eyes were kind.

Lovino slowly nodded, shyly interlacing his fingers with Antonio's. "...The book..." He murmured.

"Hm?" Antonio tilted his head, smiling.

Lovino shifted, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. "T-the book...I liked hearing you read it..." He slumped down the bed, looking as if he was going to cover himself with the blanket.

"Oh! You want me to read more?" Antonio asked happily, picking the book up and flipping it open to the page where he left off.

"I like stories." Feliciano murmured, getting up from his chair and crawling onto the bed to lay beside his brother. Lovino moved over to give him room and the two stared intently at Antonio.

"I am very curious to hear about this apparently great book that you keep reading, Lovino." Francis admitted, leaning back in his chair. The rest of the room seemed to hum in agreement.

Antonio nodded, looking down to the book. "Alright, sorry if you don't know what's happening at first, but it's really good, it'll keep your attention." He told them.

Almost an hour and a half passed and at that point, Antonio's voice seemed to waver. When he sighed and closed the book, everyone seemed to realize how late it was getting.

"I need to go and buy that book now." Arthur said, standing up and stretching. "This was very enjoyable. I'm glad we came."

Antonio stood up as well and Lovino gave him a pleading look. He laughed and whispered, "Relax, I'm not leaving. I just need a drink." He reassured him.

Lovino frowned. He reached behind him and pulled the bottle of water Antonio had given him earlier, holding it up to him.

Antonio shook his head. "Ah, no, I'd rather you drink all of it, my love." Antonio said in a raspy voice. He laughed softly at the pout Lovino gave him.

As Antonio searched for the vending machine, a tug on his shirt's sleeve caught his attention. He turned and Feliciano was standing behind him, looking nervous. "I...I read up on it and...and I think there's something Lovi should try." He told Antonio.

Antonio stopped and his eyes widened slightly. "What is it?" He asked in a hushed whisper.

Feliciano fidgeted and stammered as he tried to explain. "Well, you see- I think Lovi should try...writing." He continued in a rush. "But! I mean, he should write down the things his negative mind is thinking, and then next to it, write the positive, the opposite of it!"

Antonio grinned, clasping Feliciano's shoulder gently. "That is a terrific idea! It might do him good to tell apart which thoughts are which."

Feliciano nodded, looking relieved. "Only problem is, he probably won't listen to grandpa and I. I think if you urged him enough, he'd be maybe willing to do it."

"Of course. I'll talk to him about it." Antonio smiled. To be honest, Antonio had no idea where to start to cure this illness of Lovino's. Alfred and Lovino didn't get enough time alone to talk, and he really couldn't think of any reliable options. But Feliciano's plan seemed like a good idea. If Lovino could identify what the negative side of his mind was constantly telling him, he could begin to fight against it. But….Had Lovino ever outright say he was going to try and get better? Antonio was sure he must've. Lovino was unhappy right now, so surely he'd do his best and cooperate with them, right?

Antonio and Feliciano eventually made it back to Lovino's room to see a woman neatly dressed sitting at his bedside. She had her hair pulled up into a bun and was jotting things down on a clipboard. Lovino was frowning and had his arms crossed stubbornly.

Romulus stood and walked over to them, explaining in a whisper. "The therapist. She says that Lovino is going to need constant supervision. Since the hospital staff is a little busy tonight, they will allow one person to stay with him overnight."

"B-but if it's you, where am I going to go for the night, grandpa?" Feliciano asked worriedly.

Romulus smiled. "...Once the therapist told Lovino and I that, he insisted that Antonio be the one to stay. I tried to reason with him that you haven't even gone home to change, Antonio. But that boy wouldn't change his mind."

"It's definitely no problem at all." Antonio grinned, barely able to control the bubbling happiness he felt at Lovino choosing him. "I can run home real quick and grab a few things while you two are still here. It won't take more than fifteen minutes." He told the two.

Romulus nodded slowly. "…I'm sure you can understand my concerns at letting my grandson's boyfriend stay the night with him...Alone..."

"Concerns? I can assure you, there really doesn't have to be any." Antonio assured Romulus.

They were interrupted when the therapist coughed to get their attention. "Who will be staying?" She asked the three.

"I will, m'am." Antonio spoke up.

She motioned for him to follow her out into the hall, where she then began to explain what he was supposed to do for Lovino. "Try not to fall asleep. I cannot stress this enough. People with anorexia tend to get sneaky and clever. They will resort to any method to find time to either purge or not eat." Once Antonio nodded, she continued. "I will not require you to keep conversation up the entire night, but it is recommended. There is hospital staff, but they are a little busy tonight so make sure that it's something important if you want to call them."

Antonio once again nodded. He definitely didn't mind the extra time with Lovino. It made him feel better to know that he'd have a constant eye on him. Once the therapist explained and said her goodbyes, Antonio prepared to leave as well.

"We need to head out too." Arthur yawned, glancing outside at the sunset. "We'll be sure to drop in again sometime tomorrow." He told the group. Antonio walked with Alfred and Arthur out into the parking lot, where Alfred pulled him aside.

"It's actually really cool that you're so involved with Lovino." He told Antonio. "It's always nice to feel like you have at least one person you know you can trust." He gave a sideways glance at Arthur, who smiled.

Antonio laughed softly. "Thanks. I actually really can't picture myself in the future with anyone else except Lovi."

Alfred chuckled. "That's great. I'm sure you two will be able to have a future together."

~oO0Oo~

Antonio opened the door to his house and crept in. He heard the clattering of plates in the kitchen, and the sound of the TV in the living room. As he made his way down the hallway to his room, he saw his father, sitting at the couch. Antonio silently cursed.

He slowly crept behind the couch, crossing his fingers that he not be discovered. After making it past the living room and into the hallway, he silently entered his room and closed the door. He wanted to try that exercise that Feliciano had suggested with Lovino. He wanted more than anything to know what kinds of thoughts were in his head. He packed a notebook and a pen as well as a new change of clothes. He opened the door and crept into the bathroom, across from the office where he packed his toothbrush and toothpaste.

Once he decided he had everything, he checked to make sure the coast was clear before making a silent run for it to the front door. It was as he opened the door that it creaked. Loudly. His dad glanced over his shoulder and Antonio tried to hurry out the door, but he was called out to.

"Antonio? Get back in here." His father demanded.

Antonio sighed. Closing the door and walking over to him. He crossed his arms and grimaced. "I tried calling you. You're behind on your work." His father said in a stern voice.

"I'm….busy with something more important." Antonio hesitantly explained, hitching his bag onto his shoulder. His father didn't seem impressed, and lowered his gaze to Antonio's bag.

"Where are you going?" He questioned.

"Not going, staying. I'm spending the night. Look, I'll make up all the work sometime. But right now, just let me go." Antonio pleaded. He didn't wait for his father to answer, instead he turned and left, slamming the door behind him. He really didn't have time to deal with his father.

When he finally got back to the hospital, it was to meet Romulus and Feliciano getting ready to leave. They both smiled at him as he ran up to them.

"A nurse is checking up on him right now. You can head right on in." Romulus told him. Feliciano gave him a tight hug and they parted ways.

Antonio opened the door to Lovino's room. The nurse had just let him lay down and they both turned to look at him as he walked in. "Oh. Are you the one staying with Lovino?" She asked in a cheery, high-pitched voice. Antonio nodded and walked over to the bed. The nurse continued, "He is doing pretty good. After he's released, he's required to go to counseling at least twice a week and a nutritionist at least once a month. Think you can do that, Lovino?" She asked as she turned to Lovino.

He nodded shyly and with that, the nurse left the two of them alone.

"She treated me like a fucking child." Lovino grumbled, scooting over and patting the space on the bed for Antonio. He smiled and accepted Lovino's offer, crawling onto the bed and snuggling up close to Lovino, wrapping his arms around his small waist.

"She's just doing her job, mi amor." Antonio said softly, resting his head on the juncture of where neck met shoulder. "We all want to help you get better."

Lovino blushed at Antonio's actions, not sure whether to push him away or let him embrace him closer. He shifted uneasily before deciding on a response. "Um...I do..." He stammered. He waited until Antonio lifted his head to look at him with wide eyes before continuing. "I mean- I've wanted to for a long time… But every time I come close, I get...thoughts. No one can hear them and I can't ever speak of them. It just feels...lonely." He finished with a sigh.

At that, Antonio reached up, cupping Lovino's cheek and leaning forward to kiss him. Lovino could've definitely sworn it was the gentlest, most endearing kiss he's ever received from Antonio. When he pulled away, Antonio gazed at Lovino sternly. "You are not alone. I am always here. I will never judge you or turn you away. You can always rely on me, Lovi." He said softly, kissing him once more to emphasize his point.

Lovino was blushing furiously, trying to focus on anything in the room that wasn't Antonio. "Ah- um...w-well...thanks… That… that means a lot." He fumbled to say.

Antonio grinned and returned to resting his head on Lovino. "...I want to know what those voices say."

Sighing, Lovino finally wrapped his arms around Antonio, holding him against him. "Well, good luck. I won't be sharing anytime soon."

There was a peaceful silence in which Antonio simply listened to Lovino's heartbeat. He was surprised at how fast it was. Soon Lovino started threading his fingers through Antonio's hair, his mind wandering as the minutes dragged on.

He didn't know how much time had passed, but Antonio decided to speak up. Reluctantly, he pulled away and looked at Lovino, who was frowning. "I...have an idea.. Would you be willing to try it?" He asked hesitantly.

Lovino looked surprised, but hummed in consideration. "...Depends on what it is."

Antonio sat up, reaching over to the side of the bed and grabbing his bag. He unzipped it and pulled out a notebook and pen. Lovino watched him as he flipped the notebook open and began scribbling in it. Once he was finished, he showed Lovino. He pushed on his elbows in order to get a better look at what was written. In blue ink, the notebook read:

 _Negative Mind: Actual Mind:_

He looked up at Antonio questioningly. "I want you to write down what those bad thoughts tell you. Then either write the opposite or a positive one to counter that!" Antonio explained with a smile.

"...I don't… Are you sure you want to know what those things say?" Lovino frowned, staring at the notebook in his hands.

Antonio smiled, reaching over and placing a hand on top of Lovino's. "Of course. No one hurts you as long as I'm around. Including yourself." He told him as he placed a kiss on his forehead.

"...Okay…" Lovino murmured as he took the pen from Antonio. He leaned on the headboard as he began writing. Antonio laid beside him, humming a tune as seconds turned to minutes. Antonio wondered what he was writing. He knew those thoughts occurred constantly, so he was a little scared to see what kinds of thoughts bombarded Lovino on a constant basis.

Finally, Lovino put the notebook and pen down, sighing heavily. "...Okay..." He said with a trembling voice. Antonio sat up and took the notebook from him, sitting comfortably beside Lovino as he read over it. He started with the Negative Mind.

- _What are you even doing here you disgusting fat pig. You take up too much space and are inconveniencing everyone around you._

 _-It's only a matter of time before Antonio gives up on you. You're too much for anyone to handle. No one will love you because of how screwed up your mind is._

 _-You're beyond weak. You tried many times to beat this, but you still can't. What makes you think this will be any better? You're better off dead. You're living like you already are anyway. If you eat less, you'll take up less space._

 _-You don't deserve to live. You don't deserve the luxuries of food. You hate the person in the mirror more than anything or anyone else. Disgusting. Pig. Ugly. Gross. Unloved. Unwanted._

Antonio had to put the notebook down, feeling something in the pit of his stomach akin to dread. He turned to Lovino who had his face buried in his hands and his knees brought up to his chest. "Oh, Lovi..." He wrapped his arms tightly around the lithe boy, even going so far as to heave him onto his lap. Hot, wet tears trickled down Lovino's face and landed on Antonio's chest, soaking his shirt, as he nuzzled closer.

"...It's embarrassing...telling anyone about those thoughts… I feel like I just revealed a part of myself I've kept locked away for a long time." Lovino said breathlessly. "I don't even know how to feel..."

"Shhh. It's not embarrassing. And even if you did just reveal a secret part of yourself, I should be the one feeling ashamed at taking pride in knowing I'm the first person you told. You don't have to feel any way, Lovi. You're fine." Antonio comforted him, gently petting his head as he held him closely to his chest.

"...Why… Why are you so damn nice!? How do you know just the right things to say?" Lovino half laughed out, half sobbed.

Antonio kissed his head and laughed softly. "Because it's you. I want to understand you more than anyone else. I want you to get better."

The notebook rested beside Antonio, forgotten. Lovino soon drifted into a semi-peaceful sleep, curled in Antonio's arms. Antonio, however, had not forgotten his instructions from the nurse. He didn't let himself sleep until he knew for sure that Lovino wouldn't try anything. Keeping his hold firmly around Lovino's body, he too fell into a light sleep.

Antonio didn't understand how someone so perfect could feel so insecure, how someone as loving as Lovino could hate himself so much. But he was determined to help him. He wanted to know the Lovino before this illness. He wanted to know just how brilliant Lovino could be once he started to think higher of himself.


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry I took such a long break in updating. Finals week is drawing near and I need to study more. I've been reading all of your reviews and trust me when I say that they really motivate me. I'm really happy to be a part of this fandom. The next two chapters will be pretty long, so sorry about that in advance. I think I will officially be making a sequel for this, but I'm not sure how long it'll be. Anyway, on with the story!

Also, the excerpt of the poem is very depressing and morbid, but in no way correlates with the story, so rest easy. I never intended the story to go down that route.

*Same warnings as always

P.S: I changed some formatting and re-uploaded this, lol.

* * *

Chapter 11. _"My murderer is this girl named Ana,  
She starved me to my grave,  
My heart finally stopped beating,  
I couldn't continue being brave."_

* * *

"It was pretty boring for like, the first ten or fifteen minutes, but after that she had me talk with other patients."

"Oh? And how was that? Did you make any friends?" He placed two pieces of chicken on the side of his plate and pretended to look away, already knowing that the boy next to him was sneaking the pieces and popping them into his mouth. He waited patiently for his response.

"Hmm… It was nice I guess. They were pretty cool. I only really talked to like, three of them, so yeah… I guess I did make some friends. Two of them have what I have and one has bulimia. Did you know that the nickname for it is mia?" Lovino said, obviously trying to chew.

Antonio smiled and took a bite of his own food. "That's great! I'm proud of you, Lovi. But no, I didn't know that. I'm glad you made some friends though." His eyes wandered down to his body. It's been almost three days since Lovino's been released from the hospital. Today was his first therapy appointment and tomorrow will be his first meeting with a nutritionist. Antonio chewed thoughtfully as he contemplated the past few days. Thankfully, Lovino's grandfather was letting them spend time with each other, so Antonio was able to feed Lovino. He's been taking small portions of his food and sliding them towards Lovino, who would actually eat them. He repeated this almost six times a day, so technically it's been coming up to almost an entire meal each day.

Lovino paused and frowned once he noticed Antonio smiling fondly at him. "What do you look so happy about?" He growled.

"Hm? Oh, nothing really. I was just admiring how beautiful you are." Antonio said happily.

That action elicited a blush from Lovino, who quickly turned away. "Y-you're such a sap..." He grumbled.

Antonio slid his hand to rest atop Lovino's. "Only for you, my love."

"Is the married couple going to take a break and help me?" Feliciano giggled as he walked into the room. They were currently curled up on Lovino's bed and Feliciano was standing in the doorway carrying what looked to be two heavy sleeping bags.

"W-we…! We're not-!" Lovino began.

"Oh, sorry Feli. I suppose marriage can wait for another time, huh?" Antonio smiled and wriggled out from Lovino's hold.

"Marriage!? What the f-"

"The blushing bride shouldn't be so vulgar, what will you do on the actual wedding day?" Feliciano cut in, smirking as he teased his brother.

Lovino grabbed two pillows from his bed and flung it in their direction. "Shut the fuck up!" He snarled, crossing his arms in a pout.

Once Antonio took the sleeping bags from Feliciano, the younger Italian approached his brother and cautiously reached out to him. "Um...We were only joking, Lovi." He explained nervously.

Lovino swatted his hand away and grimaced. "I'm not an idiot. I know what you two were doing. I'm probably not going to live long for a wedding anyway..."

The atmosphere suddenly became much more grim, and Feliciano looked to Antonio with worried eyes. Antonio sighed and placed the sleeping bags on the foot of Lovino's bed before sitting beside him. "Don't talk like that. You are going to recover and you will live a long, happy life." He told Lovino, reaching out and taking his hand.

"…With Antonio…." Feliciano murmured.

Lovino heaved a sigh. "If you say so…And I swear to god Feli I will punch you in the throat."

Frightened, Feliciano quickly exited the room and left the two of them alone once again. Antonio chuckled softly and leaned in to kiss Lovino's cheek.

"You sound so confident." Lovino suddenly said, looking down to his lap.

Antonio nodded. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?" He asked and attempted to kiss Lovino on the lips.

Lovino turned away and sighed. "You did hear what the doctor said, right? That apparently, I may have Os...Osteo..."

"Osteoporosis." Antonio finished for him. "And yes, I did hear." He said calmly.

"And do you know what that even is!?" Lovino grumbled with agitation.

Antonio gently took a hold of Lovino's chin so he could kiss him better. "Yes Lovi, I do. Your bones are getting weak and more likely to break, even if you do so much as cough. That doesn't mean you can't live a long and happy life with me." He smiled warmly at him and took his hand.

Lovino blushed bright red and avoided eye contact. "Y-yeah...well...We don't even know if that was the only thing...w-wrong with me."

"Hm. Well, remember that he was surprised that you maintained a relationship with someone while having anorexia. He said it's uncommon to the point of being almost unheard of."

At this Lovino narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Antonio. "...Sometimes it doesn't seem like you're very inconvenienced as much...even though you really should be." He said with a frown.

Antonio chuckled softly. "Really, I'm not. Or at least, not as much as you would think. Even if I was, it wouldn't matter to me, as long as you're okay."

Lovino opened his mouth to respond, but a knock towards the door interrupted him. They both turned to see Romulus standing in the doorway with a small smile gracing his features. "He's right, y'know. Everyone cares about you, so a little inconvenience here or there really doesn't matter." His gaze traveled to the two sleeping bags still at the foot of his grandson's bed. "Camping trip this weekend?" He asked the two.

"Yeah. Don't worry Feli and I are sleeping together. Not me and this moron." Lovino answered, scooting away from Antonio shyly.

Romulus laughed. "I wouldn't expect it any other way. Oh? Are you finished with lunch?" He noticed the finished plate that was sitting on Lovino's bedside and walked over to pick it up. He gave Antonio a questioning look, silently asking if Lovino had eaten at least a little. Antonio grinned and nodded excitedly. Relieved, Romulus turned to leave. "Well, you have a free afternoon together. You might as well make the most of it." He said as he left the room.

Lovino scrunched up his nose. "Make the most of it?" He asked.

"Hm… Want to watch a movie Lovi?"

"…Sure."

"And cuddle~?"

"…...S-sure..."

~oO0Oo~

In the middle of their movie Antonio's phone sounded and he pulled it out of his pocket to check it. Lovino could see on the screen that it was a call from his dad. He gave Antonio a questioning look.

"Hmm...He probably wants me to work." Antonio said with a frown. "I don't want to go, but I've put it off for too long. I'm sorry Lovi. We should be spending time together." He sighed and answered it.

Lovino silently listened to Antonio and his dad converse over the phone and couldn't help but feel upset. He was wrapped in a blanket and in Antonio's arms, he didn't want their evening to end so suddenly.

Antonio ended the call and reluctantly got up from the bed. "….H-hey, would you mind coming with me? You don't have to work, I just think it'll be nice to spend time together anyway." He asked as he slipped his shoes on.

"What kind of work will you be doing? And won't it look strange to see you working and me watching you?" Lovino questioned with a frown.

Antonio laughed and shook his head. "Just a little gardening. And no, not at all! I don't want you to work."

Lovino snuggled into the blankets more. "Good because I'm sleepy." He mumbled.

Antonio looked out the window. They had about three or four more hours of sunlight. Smiling, he turned to Lovino again. "You can nap there, if you want. I do it all the time."

So Lovino unraveled himself from his blankets and grabbed his shoes. "Alright, fine." He sighed and Antonio jumped up to grab his own shoes with delight.

~oO0Oo~

Instead of going inside the house, Antonio took Lovino to the backyard. Lovino had to say that he was pretty impressed. A small patio was just beyond screen doors and after that there was a nice, green yard filled with grass. In a corner of the yard sat different plants and Lovino followed Antonio to inspect them.

Antonio bent down and gently touched one of the leaves. "Huh...they're not doing so hot. I kinda figured." He turned to Lovino and smiled. "My dad leaves my brother and I in charge of this garden. There's a man that buys the vegetables across town and an older woman a few blocks down."

Lovino kneeled down beside Antonio to read one of the labels in front of some of the plants. "Tomatoes..." He murmured, noticing how poorly the tomatoes were actually doing.

"Haha, yeah. My favorite, actually. I could eat a tomato like someone would an apple." Antonio sighed happily.

Lovino let out a soft chuckle. "That makes two of us."

Antonio's eyes widened and he suddenly grasped Lovino's hand. "You too!? Oh my god you are perfect!" He beamed.

"W-wha- You...you idiot..." Lovino stammered as he blushed deeply. "It's really not all that special. A lot of people like to eat tomatoes too."

Antonio laughed and rested his head on Lovino's shoulder. "Ahh, I suppose you're right."

A sudden kiss on his cheek made Lovino fall backward and onto his butt. He scowled as Antonio continued giggling over him. "You-! Don't do that so suddenly!" He growled as a blush spread across his face.

"Sorry, I just like kissing you." Antonio replied cheerfully.

Lovino wiped at his cheek, despite the action being completely unnecessary. It was quiet between the two, Antonio simply examined the plants in the small garden while Lovino sat back and watched him. When he hummed his approval and began grabbing different tools from a small shed a few feet away, Lovino decided to speak. "…..Do you really think I can get better?"

Antonio paused just as he was carrying a bucket full of different tools. He looked surprised by Lovino's sudden question. Nevertheless, he smiled and put the bucket down. "Of course. I've always believed that. If you truly want to get better, then I'm sure you can do it!" Antonio said encouragingly.

Lovino brought his knees up to his chest and frowned. "It always feels too hard. I come close to eating _something_ and immediately after my mind screams at me. The way things look, I don't see how I can change the way my mind works..."

"Hmm..." Antonio hummed as he began taking the tools out of the bucket. "It sounds hard...always having someone yelling at you constantly….Lovi, I have to ask you a serious question and I want you to answer honestly." He suddenly said, gently touching Lovino's knee.

Lovino tensed and nodded. Antonio continued, "If you could go to inpatient treatment...would you?"

Lovino's eyes widened and he furrowed his brows in confusion. "Why would I have to? Don't I have you? Or are you getting tired of me too?" He said bitterly, and Antonio rushed to explain.

"No, no! Of course not! I was just wondering because...because I want what's best for you. I read up on it and I think it'll totally be helpful for you. Family can visit and you aren't a prisoner, you are allowed on outings and such." Antonio said with a hopeful smile.

"...D-doesn't that...cost money?" Lovino asked.

"There are ways, Lovi. If it's something you think you might want to try, then your grandfather is already there to support it." Antonio replied.

Lovino was silent for a while, staring at his knees and frowning. Antonio was growing increasingly worried until Lovino sighed and laid back on the grass. "...And you'll visit how often?" He asked skeptically.

Antonio smiled warmly at Lovino and reached for his hand. "As often as possible."

With his eyes fluttering shut, Lovino gave a small smile. "Good… Though, I'm not sure what help that'll be."

"What do you mean?" Antonio asked curiously.

A frustrated sigh told Antonio that he should have his listening ears ready. He scooted closer to Lovino, silently urging him to explain. "...It's just… There's going to be triggering things all the damn time. I don't see how it's possible to get better. I sometimes think that I can't do it." Lovino murmured, turning away from the boy sitting beside him. He could feel his eyes on him and he shifted uncomfortably. "I always stare into the mirror too long and end up seeing all of my imperfections or I'm tempted to weigh myself or see if I can still wrap my hands around my waist or legs and I just-" Tears welled up, threatening to spill over. "...It seems too hard. I know that you, Feli and grandpa are trying, I really do...but none of you really get it. It feels like this illness is the only thing I have."

"I'm going to stop you right there, Lovi." Antonio cut in, making Lovino finally turn to face him. He was surprised to see the look of discomfort on Antonio's face. "You're definitely right. No one will be able to understand it like you do, except for people who have the same thing. And you will run into triggers every day of your life. But I think you're strong. I think you can fight. Yes, people have imperfections….nobody's perfect. But I love you just the way you are."

Lovino scoffed, turning away. "I just can't believe it. You love someone who is basically dying, someone who is so negative and has nothing to offer."

Antonio shook his head and leaned down to kiss Lovino on the cheek. "I don't think so. I can see that you're more than the illness. And people die slowly everyday, Lovi. It's nothing new. Though, to put it such a way sounds so morbid..." He laughed and felt his heart swell when Lovino let out a small snicker. "And you have plenty to offer! You make my days brighter, despite what you might think."

At that Lovino shifted to gaze into Antonio's eyes. "…H-how?" He asked, confused.

"Well...Seeing you always makes me happy. Like, my day can be just another day until I see you and suddenly it's much better. More often than not I don't want the day to end. Like now, for example." Antonio grinned and brushed Lovino's bangs to the side.

A bright red blush slowly made itself known on the Italian's cheeks and he slapped Antonio's hand away in embarrassment. "Idiot..." He growled, only to watch as Antonio grabbed his wrist and began peppering light kisses down his arm.

"So beautiful." Antonio murmured against his skin.

Lovino yanked his arm away and sat up to scoot away from the Spaniard, who was now grinning from ear-to-ear. "D-don't do that!" He cried, rubbing his arm.

"Do what?" Antonio asked cluelessly.

Lovino growled in frustration and pointed at Antonio accusingly. "You know what! D-don't do cheesy shit like that!"

Antonio smirked knowingly and laid down on the grass. "I like it when you're flustered. It's adorable." He sighed happily.

"Well, I don't like it!" Lovino barked back, unsure of whether it was okay to return to Antonio's side or not.

"….I get worried that I'm not as strong as I should be if I want to be able to support and take care of you." Antonio suddenly said. The change of topic made Lovino uneasy and he gave Antonio a confused look. "I mean...I do actually plan on marrying you, as crazy as that may seem." Antonio clarified, chuckling when Lovino gaped and blushed. "But despite what you might think...I'm actually not as good-natured as I might appear."

"...I-I don't understand..." Lovino murmured, deciding it was safe and crawling back to the Spaniards side.

"I just feel helpless sometimes. I get angry at the fact that I can't do more and I even think of hurting every single person who has ever made you feel like you had to change yourself." Antonio explained, staring aimlessly at the sky.

Lovino had to admit that he was speechless. He thought back to all the times he's been with Antonio and realized that he's never heard Antonio talk about what he thinks. Surely, he had to have his own doubts and negative thoughts. Antonio knew so much about him and his situation, but he never thought to ask Antonio about his. This was the first time Antonio was voicing his doubt and insecurities to Lovino and it made his heart swell.

He reached over and clasped his hand in Antonio's. "Don't feel helpless. You definitely help. I'd probably be dead without you, Antonio. And… I really don't care that you want to hurt them. I shouldn't feel that way, but I'm angry too….. That doesn't mean I'm giving you names!" Lovino interjected when Antonio opened his mouth to speak. His features softened and he rubbed his thumb on the back of Antonio's hand. "But I'm happy. You should share more things with me. It feels good to hear what you feel and think from time to time."

Antonio stared wide-eyed at Lovino, who was still averting his gaze shyly. "If that's what you want, my love. Actually, right now I'm feeling utterly, blissfully in love. And I think your lips should be on mine immediately." He laughed.

Lovino gave a soft sigh and turned to face Antonio when he was pulled into a kiss. The world seemed to fall around them and it felt like he could overcome any obstacle thrown at him. In that instant, he was okay. The voices that told him he wasn't good enough were silenced, leaving only him and Antonio. It was a good feeling and Lovino's body warmed up to it. If recovery was even close to the feelings he was having right now, then he wanted it more than ever.

When they pulled away, Antonio smiled and whispered, "I love you" in Lovino's ear.

"...I love you too..." Lovino murmured embarrassedly.

A sudden ruffle of his hair brought him back to earth and he frowned. "You look tired. Get some rest while I do this." Antonio told him as he indicated the neglected garden.

Lovino didn't object. He did feel tired. He nodded and rested on the grass. "Don't do anything while I'm asleep. Pervert." He growled half-heartedly.

Antonio simply waved him off, stretching and cracking his back. "I wouldn't dream of it. Well, I would, but that's not the point." He joked, earning him a slap on the arm.

"I mean it." Lovino mumbled as his eyes fluttered shut.

Antonio nodded despite the fact that Lovino couldn't see. He gently ran his fingers through the small Italian's hair until he heard soft snoring coming from him.

Antonio was always surprised at how quickly Lovino could fall asleep. He checked to make sure that the Italian really was, before grinning to himself and grabbing the tools and getting to work.

~oO0Oo~

Lovino awoke to the sound of clattering and sat upright. He yawned and frowned when he saw how dark it had become. A jacket had been draped over him and the voice that called out to him indicated as to who had put it there. "Oh, are you awake? I was just about to wake you. Did you sleep okay?" Antonio asked happily, kneeling beside the Italian.

"Considering it was on the ground, yeah...I did." He mumbled, handing the jacket back to Antonio. Then he noticed the man's clothes. His pants were covered in dirt and he had clumps of mud on his knees. His shirt was also dirtied and it looked as if he had wiped his hands on the fabric. His hair was disheveled, with his bangs clinging to his sweaty forehead. "...You worked hard." He commented, patting Antonio's shoulders to get rid of the dirt residing there.

Antonio blinked and laughed, rubbing his nose as he stood up. "I sure did. Which was surprising because I had a cute boyfriend just a few feet away the entire time." He said jokingly, helping Lovino onto his feet.

Lovino rolled his eyes and dusted himself off. "What time is it?" He asked, looking up to the darkened sky.

"8:30." Antonio answered him easily. He popped his back and sighed in relief. "Let me get cleaned up and I'll take you back, okay?" He said with a smile. The two entered the house and Lovino waited in Antonio's bedroom as the Spaniard washed himself off in the shower.

He had to admit, it felt strange to be sitting alone in Antonio's room. A movie was put on to entertain him and Antonio told him to feel free to look around and to feel at home. Seeing as he had quickly lost interest in the movie, Lovino slid off the bed and began walking around the room. Antonio had a bookshelf in the corner that had an entire row filled with books. This caught Lovino's eye, but he wanted to explore more before examining what kinds of books Antonio had.

On the shelf below the books, Antonio had video games. Lovino wasn't too interested in those. The rest of the shelves had random knick-knacks, so Lovino didn't bother with those either. He walked over to Antonio's dresser, which had small pictures wedged into the tiny mirror. It mainly featured his family, like his mother and older brother, but rarely his father. In fact, Lovino only found one picture featuring Antonio's father, but his face was partially out of the frame.

The other pictures showed Antonio with his two friends, Gilbert and Francis, and Lovino couldn't help but roll his eyes at the pictures with them making funny faces. He walked swiftly away from the mirror, not giving himself a chance to observe and point out every flaw. Instead, he went back to the bookshelf, taking books out and reading the back covers. He didn't take Antonio for a sci-fi kinda guy and he smiled warmly at a particular book that still had a bookmark wedged between its pages.

"Sorry if I took a while." Antonio's voice made him jump and drop the book in shock.

"Jesus fucking- you scared me!" Lovino snapped, bending down to pick the book up. He glared at Antonio, who now sported a plain black T-shirt and gray shorts. A towel was draped over his neck and his hair surprisingly curled in all directions, despite being wet.

Antonio laughed and walked briskly over to Lovino, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on his shoulder. "Oh, that book. I still haven't finished it yet. It's good though." He murmured, nuzzling into the Italian's neck.

Lovino blushed and fought the urge to return Antonio's embrace. He could smell the fresh scent of shampoo and he shivered when Antonio's still wet hair came into contact with his skin. "It sounds pretty good." He mumbled, just so he had something to say.

"...So I was in the shower, thinking about us..." Antonio began, only to be elbowed in the stomach. "Ow! T-that hurt!" He cried, releasing the Italian and rubbing the painful spot.

Lovino glared and held the book close to his chest. "Pervert..." He grumbled.

As realization sunk in as to what his words had implied, Antonio laughed stiffly. "Ah, no, I didn't mean that." He explained. "I meant that...just...we have never actually gone out on a proper date."

Lovino eyed him carefully, deciding that Antonio really had been oblivious to his earlier statement. His shoulders became less tensed and he turned to put the book back in its place on the bookshelf. "I thought we have. The time at the river came pretty close to one." He grumbled.

Antonio chuckled softly and shook his head. "Well, yeah, but I mean a real date. Like, going to the movies or an amusement park or something."

Lovino was silent for a while, making Antonio wonder if he was considering either one of the two. "...You don't mind...not being able to go to a restaurant? Or the fact that I'll probably not be having any popcorn at the movies…?" He asked, his voice dripping with guilt.

"Not at all! Restaurant dates are boring anyway. I'll be happy as long as I'm spending time with you." Antonio insisted, reaching out to take a hold of the Italian's hand.

Lovino blushed and mulled over his options. It was true. He and Antonio didn't really have a chance to go on a proper date and it seemed to make Antonio really excited to think about it. "...There is one movie I've been wanting to see..." He started.

Antonio squealed with excitement and threw his arms around Lovino. "Yay! Let's go!"

"After the camping trip?" Lovino asked as he complied and returned the embrace.

"After the camping trip." Antonio confirmed.


	12. Chapter 12

Hey everyone! Sorry for the long wait. I had a month to study for finals and I passed! So now that my summer vacation is here, expect the next and final chapter to be out before the weekend. Maybe on Thursday. Then next week I'll be posting the first chapter for the sequel to this story. Yay for regular updates!

This chapter is relatively long, so sorry about that. It's difficult for me as a writer to begin wrapping things up, but I try. I hope you guys like it.

Notes:

*Same warnings as before

*Like I said, it's a long chapter

So, I'll let you get to the story. Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 12: _'This is about Ana,_

 _She'll Starve you to the grave,_

 _If you ever meet her,_

 _You should be afraid.'_

* * *

Nothing made Antonio more upset than having to watch Lovino breakdown. It was lunchtime on a Friday, the day they were to go camping, he pondered. Romulus had pulled Antonio aside the day before and stressed how important it was that Lovino eat during the trip.

Today, during his culinary class, Antonio had cooked up a delicious mushroom soup. These days, Lovino needs a reason before he eats even a bite. He took the semi-grumpy Italian to his car and they began talking peacefully until Antonio brought the bowl out and asked him to eat some.

"Why should I eat it?" Lovino asked grumpily, glaring at the soup as if it had done him wrong.

Antonio had only smiled and explained to him gently that it was nutritious and would help him to not feel so tired. He also added that it was only 30 calories.

He was proud and delighted when Lovino finished the bowl of mushroom soup.

Of course, he was prepared for the change of attitude and behavior when Lovino finished. It had become a sort of pattern he learned that came with Lovino's recovery.

"How can you even be with me? I'm so fucking ugly and disgusting. How could you bear to look at me when I just stuffed my fat face with food?" He sobbed, refusing to look at Antonio.

It broke Antonio's heart, but he learned to overlook the behavior. It wasn't Lovino talking, after all. He shifted uncomfortably in order to carefully wrap his arms around the lithe Italian and began threading his fingers through his hair, shushing him. "You are not ugly or disgusting. You are beautiful. Lovino, listen to me. I'm right here, I'll always be here. You are the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on. It's okay, you won't get fat." He whispered softly, placing a kiss on Lovino's forehead.

"I feel so confused. I know that it's unhealthy and I know I want to get better, but when I eat...It's like my brain is banging pots and pans and telling me how I fucked up. God, I want it to shut up!" Lovino almost yelled, making Antonio hold him tighter.

"It's okay, Lovi. Hey, y'know what?" Antonio asked. When he received no answer, he continued. "Just think, in the future, we'll be living together. We'll be happy and going to college. I want to go into culinary, of course. What about you?" He hoped this method of distraction would suffice.

Lovino sniffled and pulled away just enough to wipe his eyes. "…I always thought it would be nice to be a writer." He murmured weakly.

Antonio nodded and smiled. "That definitely suits you! I would love to read something of yours!" He exclaimed. "We could get our own apartment. Maybe Feli could even live with us. I'll work hard so I can get a good job and we can travel. Have anywhere specific you want to go to?"

"…Spain." Lovino hesitantly croaked. The tears had stopped and now he seemed calmer. Though, his cheeks were a bright pink in contrast to his pale face and the corners of his eyes were an angry red from his crying.

"Ah! I'd love to show you around Madrid! My grandparents still live there. They'd love to meet you. I'm so happy that you want to visit Spain, it has a lot of memories for me." Antonio sighed happily.

Lovino rolled his eyes, seeming to become more composed. "Duh. Moron. That's the whole reason why I want to go." He murmured embarrassedly. The light pink slowly darkened into a deep red that ran up to his ears.

Antonio made a noise of excitement and attempted to throw his arms around Lovino. He was irked when a knock on the window interrupted him from doing so. They both turned to see Gilbert and another boy outside Antonio's side of the car. "It's unlocked." He said loudly so that his friend would hear through the glass. Gilbert nodded and opened the backdoor, climbing in, followed by the boy.

"Ludwig seems excited. He's not too psyched about swimming in the river, but he does like the idea of hiking and sitting by a campfire." Gilbert laughed. "Oh and hey Lovi." He added, placing a hand on the Italian's shoulder.

Still looking disheveled, Lovino refused to look in Gilbert's direction. "Don't call me that, bastard." He growled and crossed his arms.

Gilbert shrugged and turned to the quiet boy sitting beside him. "Hm? Oh, well...you can at least greet Matthew over here, right Lovi-no?" He quickly corrected himself.

Lovino shifted, barely glancing at the blond boy before nodding tersely and muttering a greeting. Antonio chuckled softly beside him and turned in his seat to address his friend. "Did you say Matthew? I-isn't that Francis' cousin?" He asked curiously.

Matthew smiled. "Hi. And yes, I am." He spoke softly to the Spaniard.

Lovino watched silently as Antonio gave a warm smile to Matthew and a spark of jealousy ignited in his chest He wasn't used to Antonio directing that kind smile to anyone but him. He slumped in his seat in a pout.

"Matthew might be tagging along this weekend. You don't mind, do you?" Gilbert said excitedly.

Antonio laughed and shook his head. "Not at all! The more the merrier!"

"I knew that would be the answer. Who's all going anyway?" Gilbert asked as he scooted forward so that he was almost completely in between Lovino and Antonio.

"Let's see...You, me, Lovi, Francis, Feli, Ludwig, Matthew...A-and I think Alfred and Arthur." Antonio counted off his fingers as he listed the people.

Gilbert whistled. "Damn. Kinda like a party, huh?" He then turned to Lovino who was scowling in his seat. "What's got his panties in a bunch?" He joked, only to be fixed with a menacing glare.

"Ah...Don't tease him. Right now is not a good time." Antonio spoke up.

Lovino was grateful for Antonio, but also felt bad. He knew he was ill-tempered and right now, compared to the quiet and reserved boy in the backseat, he seemed like a very ugly person. His mood descended even further as he turned to look out the window. He was ugly both inside and out.

Antonio seemed to sense Lovino's distress, and turned to smile at his friend. "I just remembered something Lovi and I have to do before we head back to class." He lied.

"Oh, alright. I'll see you after school." Gilbert said as he caught on to the Italian's mood. He motioned for Matthew to follow him and the two of them gave their goodbyes as they walked back to the school building.

Of all things, Lovino did not expect Antonio to pull out of the parking lot and drive away from the school. He gave the Spaniard a shocked, questioning look.

"We have enough time for a little breather." He told Lovino easily.

"Where-" He started, but Antonio interrupted him.

"Hey Lovi, I was wondering." He started. "...Instead of sleeping with Feli...Do you maybe wanna...share a tent with me?" He asked nervously, his eyes focused on the road. When he finally did take a sideways glance at the boy beside him, he couldn't help but laugh. "What's with that look? Don't you trust me?"

Lovino didn't realize his mouth had dropped open in shock and mild horror, and he quickly tried to regain his composure. "W-where will Feli sleep?" He asked with a frown.

"Maybe there's someone he's already planning on sleeping with." Antonio answered mindlessly.

Lovino threw another shocked look at the Spaniard, straightening up as his mind put the information together. "Wait, wait, wait- What!?" He almost shouted.

Antonio visibly flinched and coughed awkwardly. "Just saying…" He murmured.

"Like hell you were! What did that mean!?" Lovino hissed.

"Lovi, I- ...Did you know Gilbert had a younger brother?" Antonio asked with a small smile.

"I don't give a fuck about Gilbert, what did you mean!?" Lovino quickly shot down the Spaniards offer to hold his hand by moving his own out of reach.

Antonio sighed and pulled into a gas station parking lot. "I'm going inside to get a snack and some drinks." He informed the furious Italian next to him.

"Whatever." Lovino growled out as he turned away and glared out the window. Whatever he was feeling right now, he didn't like it. He didn't like that Antonio had smiled so warmly at Matthew earlier, and he didn't like the fact that he was taking so long to answer him about his brother. He then thought about how much he'd been eating these last few days. Feliciano and his grandfather had taken the weight scale he'd been keeping in his room, so he had no idea how much he weighed. He let his fingers pinch his stomach, feeling his mood decline further when he felt how squishy it was becoming.

"What are you doing?"

His head snapped up and he stared wide-eyed at Antonio, who was sitting in the driver's seat once more. His eyebrows were furrowed and he set the bag full of drinks and snacks onto the console so he could reach over to grab Lovino's hand.

"You kinda scared me...It seemed like you were in a trance or something." Antonio tried to joke, but Lovino could hear how concerned he was based on the tone.

"I'm fine." Lovino said through gritted teeth, yanking his arm away and shuffling closer to the window.

He heard Antonio sigh as he pulled out of the parking lot. Lovino didn't bother to ask where they were going, and he hoped Antonio would sense the tension and not bother to strike up conversation.

~oO0Oo~

"You're okay with missing class, right?" Antonio asked as he came to a stop. He turned the ignition off and looked at his surroundings.

Lovino shrugged. "Whatever." He replied in a bored voice.

"Okay, let's go then." Antonio said as he grabbed the bag and opened the door. Lovino followed and the sound of rushing water hit his ears. It was then that he finally looked around him. Trees surrounded the area, with only one dirt path accessible. The rushing water was coming from a nearby river and a small waterfall that was beside the path. There were only three other cars parked there and Lovino guessed those people were somewhere further down the trail. He glanced at Antonio curiously as he began walking toward the path.

"...Why-" Lovino began, but Antonio cut him off.

"There's a resting place further down the path, we can have lunch there." Antonio said.

Lovino sighed, but followed Antonio anyway. He frowned when he was matching the Spaniards pace, but both of their hands swung beside them. He thought it was odd, because normally the Spaniard found any excuse to touch Lovino. He considered reaching out and taking his hand, but quickly demolished the idea. Antonio probably wasn't holding his hand for a reason.

They continued walking in relative silence, Lovino seriously questioning why Antonio was acting so strangely. It wasn't until they came to the first resting spot and sat down on the bench overlooking the river that he spoke.

"I like this walk. It's nice and cool with all the shade and the river." He commented happily, taking out the drinks.

Lovino hummed, but in truth he was a little relieved that Antonio seemed to be happy.

"I got you water, and I was thinking we can share a sandwich..." Antonio continued, handing the Italian the bottle of water and pulling out the sandwich. He started unwrapping it, unaware to how the boy next to him had tensed.

"...I'm not hungry." Lovino murmured, unscrewing the cap and taking a sip of water. He knew Antonio had paused unwrapping the sandwich and was looking at him.

"I know you ate the mushroom soup, and I'm very proud of you, Lovi….But that was barely even a cup. You should eat something much thicker than soup..."

Lovino glared at the Spaniard. "How fat do I have to be before you stop caring about me altogether? How ugly do I have to get so you can decide you want to leave?" He asked, his voice trembling.

Antonio frowned and set the sandwich aside, moving closer to the boy. "...I don't know what you mean..."

"Well, I do! Matthew is naturally thin, it only makes sense that you'd want to date him." Lovino started, unable to hold himself back anymore. "And now you don't want to touch me, like holding my hand. Well fuck you too Antonio. I don't care...I shouldn't have cared." He sobbed and quickly buried his head in his hands to hide the tears.

Gentle hands wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him closer. "...Is that what you think? That I'm that shallow of a person that I would stop loving you for something as silly as physical appearances? I don't know how many times I have to say that you're not ugly or disgusting or fat. You are perfect to me, Lovi. And I didn't hold your hand because I figured you needed your space. I feel bad for always doting and pestering you." He admitted as he began rubbing Lovino's back comfortingly.

Lovino sniffed and pressed closer. There it was again… Antonio's honesty. Lovino never realized it before, but now Antonio was sharing more of his doubts and insecurities with him. It made him happy and he pulled away just enough to press his lips to Antonio's. He felt his head clear as Antonio kissed him back, fingers threading through his hair and tilting his head back to deepen the kiss.

When they pulled away, Antonio smiled at how flustered Lovino looked. He stared appreciatively at the way his eyes were half-lidded, and how a bright red blush stained his cheeks. He leaned closer to kiss him again, but Lovino stopped him.

"...I-I don't think you're shallow..." He said, forcing himself to meet the surprised Spaniard's gaze. "A-and you don't have to worry about p-pestering me. It was actually strange to see you act so distant..." He murmured, looking away when the embarrassment became too much to handle.

Antonio grinned, reaching over to intertwine their fingers. "Thanks, Lovi." He pressed a kiss to Lovino's temple. "I guess I'm kinda pushing you, huh? You don't have to eat the sandwich right now if you don't want to." He sighed softly, obviously a little disappointed.

Lovino's heart was pounding in his chest and it seemed like his entire body was telling him not to, but he forced himself to reach out and take the sandwich from Antonio's lap. He brought it up to his lips and took a small bite, chewing slowly. He could feel Antonio's surprised, but delighted stare on him and he tried not to bow his head in shame. He was still beginning to learn that Antonio was someone he could trust, and that he would never judge him for his eating disorder.

Once he swallowed the food and handed the sandwich back to Antonio, he was rewarded with a loving kiss on the cheek. "I love you, Lovi." Antonio whispered sweetly, pulling away to take a bite of the sandwich too.

A soft, cool breeze sifted through the dense, tree-covered area. The breeze felt nice and Lovino inhaled softly, appreciating the fresh air. He glanced at Antonio, whose curly, unruly hair was softly bouncing. He couldn't help the small smile that formed on his face as he saw that Antonio was still mindlessly chewing on the sandwich while gazing at the scenery around them.

He could get used to days like this.

~oO0Oo~

Romulus stood in the doorway of Feliciano's bedroom. Currently, his two grandsons were packing. Well, more like Lovino was helping Feliciano pack. He felt worried about letting Lovino go on this weekend trip, especially in the boy's fragile state. He did note, however, that his skin was looking healthier lately. He refrained from commenting that. Lovino took it as an insult, like healthy meant he was getting fat. It greatly upset Romulus, but Antonio had promised him that he would watch over both and make sure Lovino continued eating properly. Who knows, maybe a few days away from town would help him. "When are you two leaving?" He asked, crossing his arms as he leaned on the doorframe.

Both boys looked up, but it was Feliciano who answered. "In a few minutes. Antonio's supposed to call Lovi and tell him when he's pulling into the driveway." He said as he took neatly rolled up shorts and a tank top from Lovino to stuff into his bag.

"You're clothes will become crumpled if you stuff them into your bag like that..." Lovino sighed, snatching the bag from Feliciano and reorganizing the bag.

Romulus smiled. Lovino could be rather harsh, but it's moments like these, the moments that people often overlooked and couldn't see just how caring Lovino could really be. He watched silently as the two conversed with each other, helping pack for their trip.

Suddenly, Lovino's phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out. "Antonio's down the street." Lovino announced and both people in the room could see how obviously happy he was.

Feliciano jumped up in excitement and grabbed his bag, running past their grandfather.

Lovino sighed as he watched him go. He stood up to go into his room and get his bag, but Romulus stopped him. "I want you to tell Antonio that I want you two home safely on Sunday." He told him and Lovino frowned and nodded. But suddenly, Romulus enveloped Lovino in a hug. "I hope you boys have fun." He patted Lovino's head and walked out to say his goodbyes to his younger grandson.

Lovino stood in the doorway of Feliciano's room, utterly shocked. His grandfather had actually, exclusively hugged him and patted his head. Once he snapped out of it, he quickly ran to his room, grabbed his bag that was sitting on his bed, and made his way to the front door.

He passed the kitchen where Feliciano was crying and hugging Romulus tightly. "I didn't mean to ignore you, Grandpa! Don't be sad, we'll be back soon!" He wailed.

Lovino rolled his eyes and walked out the front door. Antonio's car was parked in the driveway and he had been leaning on the trunk. Once Lovino came out, he quickly ran over and took his bag from him, placing it alongside his brother's in the trunk. "Gilbert, Ludwig, and Matthew are already at the campsite, Francis, Alfred and Arthur should be heading there now." Antonio informed Lovino. He closed the trunk and leaned closer to peck Lovino softly on the nose.

The two climbed into the car and fastened their seat belts, now just waiting for Feliciano to finish his goodbyes.

"...I think I could learn to get along with my grandpa..." Lovino suddenly said, effectively catching Antonio's attention.

"Yeah? He seems like a good man. Actually, he reminds me a lot of you." Antonio said thoughtfully.

Lovino turned to Antonio with a confused expression. "Wha- Why?" He asked in honest surprise.

Antonio shrugged, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the steering wheel. "I dunno, it's just… I can tell you both say things in the spur of the moment, not really judging how much of an effect they might have. Or you say things you don't really mean, stuff like that." Antonio explained. "And sure, Feli might resemble him when it comes to his cheerfulness..."

Lovino rolled his eyes. His grandfather was never really _that_ cheerful.

"But you have his looks. You're really good-looking, Lovi. I like the way your hair is a little curly and dark like his. It makes your eyes that much more intense." Antonio smiled and reached out a hand to take Lovino's. "I don't even know what point I want to make here… I just really like you." He laughed out.

Lovino immediately felt a blush run up to his ears and he turned away from Antonio in embarrassment. He tried opening his mouth to say something, but the back door suddenly opened and Feliciano climbed in.

"Sorry I took so long! Grandpa just went over some rules with me. He wanted me to tell you, Antonio, that no funny business with Lovi." Feliciano giggled as he buckled his seatbelt.

Antonio laughed and pulled out of the driveway. "As long as it doesn't include kissing, I'm fine by that. Lovi's too cute and shy anyway."

Lovino lightly punched Antonio on the arm in retaliation, then decided to look out the window because he knew how much Antonio liked seeing how flustered he usually becomes. However, once Antonio started playing music over the radio he felt himself release a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "...A-are we really going to share a tent…?" He tried to sound indifferent, but his voice wavered.

Antonio shrugged. "It's entirely up to you. I'd like you to, but if it's overstepping any boundaries, then don't worry about it." He gave Lovino yet another loving smile before returning his eyes to the road.

"Awww~! You two are so cute!" Feliciano chirped from the backseat.

"Urghh!" Lovino made a muffled noise as he buried his face in his hands and slumped further down the seat. "Shut up, Feli!" When both Antonio and Feliciano laughed, he started mumbling threats that neither took seriously.

~oO0Oo~

Lovino hadn't even realized he had fallen asleep. Instead of the smooth driving of the pavemented road, he felt the car shake and bounce as Antonio drove on the dirt road that led to the campsite. Lovino kept his eyes closed, since it was too bright to open them anyway. Just as he was about to stretch and say something, Feliciano spoke.

"Did you really mean what you said earlier…?" He said softly to Antonio.

"...I do. I mean- I haven't been reading up on it as much as I should, but just because Lovi's eating doesn't necessarily mean he's cured. The problem is much deeper than that. We need to help him get better mentally, not just physically." Antonio explained. The music was low and the car was quiet for a moment.

"...Grandpa is really glad you're around, Antonio. He said that if it weren't for you, Lovi might not be here right now."

Lovino felt a pang in his chest. Feliciano's voice trembled and he heard Antonio make a soft sound of acknowledgement. It was true, though. Lovino probably would've given up long ago if it weren't for him.

"...Antonio?" Feliciano asked again.

"Hm?"

"Will you and Lovi really get married?" He asked with a sniffle. Lovino willed the blush forming on his cheeks away and tried to keep his expression neutral.

Antonio laughed lightly. "Well, it would be nice. I'd like to, but it depends on Lovi, really." He said easily.

"Oh." Feliciano said in understanding. "Aww, will he be taking your name!?" Feliciano cried, and Lovino tried desperately to not smile.

This time Antonio laughed like Feliciano had just cracked the funniest joke in the universe. "Well, yes and no. He can still keep his name, if that's what you mean." He replied amusedly.

"Ve...I don't understand..." Feliciano mumbled.

"You're both so stupid..." Lovino suddenly said, looking over to his boyfriend's and brother's surprised faces.

"Good morning- Well, afternoon, I guess."Antonio grinned.

"Lovi's awake!" Feliciano cheered.

"It's a good thing too because we're almost there." Antonio said as he reached one hand out to brush some of Lovino's bangs to the side. "You look beautiful, my love." He complimented Lovino, uncaring how Lovino slapped his hand away in embarrassment.

"...I feel like a third wheel…" Feliciano grumbled sadly.

Antonio simply chuckled. "You won't in a bit." Lovino noticed the vehicles parked on the turnoff from the main dirt road and felt a mix of emotions. He had sort of liked being alone with his brother and Antonio…

When Antonio pulled up and got out of the car, Gilbert, his younger brother Ludwig, and Francis ran to greet them. Feliciano followed while Lovino frowned and waited until his brother was further away. He then slowly got out of the car and walked toward the group.

"What's up, Lovi?" Gilbert asked, grinning and patting Lovino on the back. Lovino shot him a glare, but otherwise didn't object. He guessed he'd have to get used to the nickname being used by not only just Antonio and his brother.

"He's grumpy because he just woke up from a nap." Feliciano chirped as he attached himself to Gilbert's brother's arm. Wait a minute…

Lovino looked from his brother, to Ludwig, to Antonio, his eyes wide. "...What you said earlier today… You didn't mean-"

"I did~ Cute, dontcha' think?" Antonio laughed as Lovino's nose scrunched up in disgust. "Aw, c'mon. You should be happy for your brother!"

"It just had to be him..." Lovino mumbled. Antonio laughed and intertwined their fingers together as they were led to the campsite. Gilbert already had a fire going in the fire pit, the ingredients for s'mores was lying on the cooler that was filled with drinks.

"Where's Alfred and Arthur?" Antonio asked, his eyes scanning the campsite.

"Ah, they went for a walk… Alfred's getting smaller and smaller and I think Arthur is starting to worry more. Matthew went along with them" Francis sighed as he kneeled down next to the cooler to prepare a s'more.

Antonio nodded and turned to the two brothers. "Are you two hungry?" The moment the words rolled off his tongue, he wished he had worded the question better.

Feliciano was quick to answer. "I'm starving!" He said as he made his way happily to the cooler. Lovino, however, looked uncomfortable. His eyebrows were furrowed and he began chewing on his bottom lip.

"Um...d-do you want a water, Lovi?" Antonio asked instead, slightly relieved when Lovino nodded.

It wasn't until the sun had set and Antonio and Lovino succeeded in getting a tent set up that Alfred, Arthur, and Matthew returned. Antonio's eyes rounded out as he saw just how different Alfred looked. It was very similar to how Lovino looked when he was admitted into the hospital.

His skin had lost a glow it used to have, instead it was pale. His hair seemed thin and the clothes he wore now were baggy. Antonio glanced at Lovino to see his reaction, but Lovino only gave Alfred a seconds glance before looking away.

Gilbert brought out some hotdogs and bratwurst soon after. "I fucking swear to god these are delicious when they are burnt to a crisp." He tried to tell his younger brother, who rolled his eyes. As some cleaned, shaved and thin sticks were passed around, everyone became hyper aware of Lovino. No one seemed to know if they should hand him one or not.

Just as Francis opened his mouth to ask, Antonio stopped him. He leaned in just close enough to whisper into his best friends ear that he would be sharing with Lovino. Francis nodded in relief.

Everyone was mildly taken aback when Arthur handed Alfred one of his own. In fact, Alfred took the stick, grabbed a hot dog, and began cooking it over the fire. Francis, Gilbert and Antonio gave questioning glances to Arthur, who only frowned.

"Okay Lovi, let's try… this much." Antonio said as he pulled the hot dog he had been cooking out from the flames. He blew on it to cool it down and broke a small piece that was about the size of his thumb, handing it to Lovino.

Lovino blinked at the food, slowly reaching out and taking it. His eyes then flicked up and scanned the people around the campfire and everyone who had been watching, turned away quickly. He gave Antonio a look that he hoped said he couldn't do it.

Antonio only smiled a little, taking the piece back and popping it into his mouth. He chewed a little before swallowing it, then leaned down to place a kiss on Lovino's lips. Antonio knew it probably tasted like hot dog, and he hoped it would tempt Lovino to try again later.

Alfred, however, ate four or five hot dogs and everyone seemed shocked, confused, and relieved. Arthur had no reaction though, which everyone thought was odd.

Finally, when everyone agreed they were full, Gilbert brought out the s'mores. Antonio still had one hot dog cooking over the flame, hoping Lovino would eat some of this one. He would probably have to offer it to him away from everyone.

"Gil...you should slow down on the marshmallows..." Ludwig sighed as he watched his older brother stab the fifth marshmallow onto the stick.

"There's plenty of marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers to go around, West!" Gilbert declared, shoving the stick full of marshmallows into the fire where they caught fire and burnt to a crisp.

As everyone laughed at Gilbert's antics, Antonio turned to Lovino and motioned for him to follow. They both left the campfire, saying that they needed to retrieve something from Antonio's car. Antonio had a ready made hotdog in his hand, and he guessed Lovino knew what he was trying to do as well.

Once they were away from the campfire and their friends, Antonio opened the car door and grabbed Lovino's jacket, handing it to him. "How did you-" Lovino began, but Antonio interrupted him.

"Well, I know you get cold easily, and I did lead you away from a warm fire." Antonio explained. He ripped off a piece of the ready made hotdog, bun and all, and offered it to Lovino.

Again, Lovino's movements were slow. He reached out for the hotdog piece and stared at it with an emotionless face. "...This is still hard..." He murmured. "Every time I eat, even if it's small, I feel like I want to hurry and throw it all up, or...hurt myself because I don't deserve food..." Lovino choked out, his eyes brimming with tears.

Antonio immediately wrapped his arms around him and kissed his forehead gently. "Lovi, my love. This won't make you fat. I'm right here with you, and I promise I really won't leave you. You deserve every pleasantry the world has to offer, and more." He reassured Lovino and lovingly began playing with his hair. The action seemed to calm him down, and when they pulled away, Lovino slowly took a small bite and began chewing. Antonio smiled warmly at him, brushing his bangs aside as he chewed.

In the end Lovino ate the entire hotdog in small portions. They stayed by Antonio's car a while more, talking and looking at the stars before they heard the crunching of footsteps nearby. The two of them fell silent and Antonio noticed a figure walking away from the campsite. He glanced at Lovino, who sighed. He tugged on Antonio's sleeve and led him toward the figure.

Then they heard someone gagging.

Antonio was hesitant, because he was pretty sure that it was Alfred, and he wasn't as close to him as he was with Lovino. Lovino continued forward, however, much to Antonio's surprise.

"I tried that when they forced me to eat. It didn't help, though." Lovino said, getting Alfred's attention. Antonio stayed back, wondering what Lovino was trying to do.

Alfred talked in a rush and Antonio hated to admit it, but he seemed mental. "I know that, but I have to do something. It feels disgusting and everyone was watching me and I can't fucking take it anymore!" He told Lovino, who only listened. "I'm such a fucking failure, disgusting! I shouldn't have eaten anything, I-"

"I used to think that, too." Lovino cut him off. Alfred turned to Lovino, his foot tapping rapidly on the ground. "I hate nights like these, when you try so hard to not break down, but even then you just can't help it. I hated that there was no one that experienced the same thing, and that I was alone."

Alfred nodded and moved closer to Lovino. "Exactly! None of them get it, and I honestly don't know why I agreed to come. It was Arthur that thought this would be good for me, but he doesn't seem to care!"

"...He cares." Lovino said after a moment. "I know he cares, because he brought you to this trip where you can be surrounded by friends. And I know you saw the look on his face when you ate those hotdogs because he knows what you're going to do once you decide you're full."

Alfred began pacing, mumbling to himself, and Antonio wondered if Lovino was ever this bad. He remembered Lovino being just as negative, but Antonio had never seen him act like how Alfred was at the moment.

"But I get it. It's nearly impossible to ignore that voice. It's easier when someone is with you, talking with you and saying words that actually register." Lovino said knowingly, glancing back at Antonio.

"You're preaching to me, but I know you're still sick." Alfred grumbled. "I don't understand how or why you choose to ignore that voice."

Lovino shrugged. "I know I'm sick. But I think I can get better. It seemed impossible just a little bit ago, but now I'm sure that I want to get better. It's not fun feeling your stomach cave in on itself, your feet feeling weighed down and tired, that fucking voice constantly shouting in your ear, and always feeling alone. I don't want that."

Alfred stopped his pacing and actually stared at Lovino for the longest of moments. "...How… I don't understand how you do it… You'll get fat and you've obviously reached whatever goal you once set." He growled out.

Antonio thought that would be triggering to Lovino, so he stepped forward and took a hold of his hand, squeezing it comfortingly. "Look, Alfred. We're right here with you. Just...come back with us to the camp and we'll help you." Antonio tried. He wondered if what he was saying was even the right thing to say at the moment.

He was a bit relieved when Lovino squeezed his hand back. "He's right. Antonio's been a big help to me, Alfred. He can talk to Arthur and tell him how he can help you too." Lovino said softly.

At that Alfred ran his fingers through his hair, looking torn. His foot continued tapping on the ground and he let out a distressed huff. "...I don't want to have a total breakdown where all of them will see it." He told the two.

Antonio nodded in understanding. "Just turn in for the night, get some rest. Don't worry about a thing, Alfred. I'll talk to Arthur and everything will be okay."

Finally, Alfred's shoulders slacked and he walked hesitantly to the two of them, clinging to Lovino. "...Alright, I'll go. But I want to talk to Lovino alone first." He murmured to Antonio.

Antonio was actually a little nervous leaving Lovino alone. Not only did Alfred seem unstable, but he also seemed like he could tear Lovino's determination to recover apart. He glanced at Lovino worriedly, but Lovino only gave a small smile. "...Okay..." He sighed. "I'll head back to the camp...don't take too long, it's a little chilly." He said to the two of them, before walking away.

~oO0Oo~

Both Antonio and Arthur were quiet. Everyone was gathered around the fire, Feliciano cuddling up next to Ludwig, Gilbert still eating s'mores, and Francis trying to comfort the two of them.

"I'm sure they're doing fine." Francis murmured.

"It's been fifteen minutes..." Antonio sighed and was seriously considering going to check on them. "I'm just really worried about Lovi."

"This shouldn't even be happening...I shouldn't have let him leave in the first place… God, I'm such an idiot!" Arthur said in regret, hanging his head low.

"Stop that, you two. I don't understand much of it, but they'll be fine, I'm sure. We'll give them five more minutes, okay?" Francis tried reasoning with the two.

"You don't understand it!" Arthur nearly shouted, and everyone around the campfire went silent. "You really can't afford to trust them! They use tricks and are constantly lying!"

Antonio had to agree. But he wanted to believe that Lovino was working toward recovery. He wanted to believe that Lovino would tell him things and confide in him as he had done all those times in the past.

"I just- I want him to get better…!" Arthur admitted weakly.

"...I don't know exactly what I did to help Lovi, but I can tell you everything I did for him. Maybe it'll work with Alfred." Antonio smiled in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. Arthur didn't say anything, but nodded, a frown on his face.

"Everyone looks so grim, what the hell? I thought this was supposed to be a _fun_ trip." Alfred's voice rang out and everyone turned suddenly to see Alfred and Lovino approaching.

Lovino immediately plopped down beside Antonio, his cheeks a little flushed. "Hm? Are you cold?" Antonio asked, touching Lovino's cheek with the back of his hand.

"I just need to warm up." Lovino grumbled, shifting closer to the fire.

Antonio nodded happily. Lovino seemed to be fine. He turned his attention to Alfred, who was sitting beside Arthur and yawning. Slowly, the cheerful atmosphere returned and Antonio's night was made when Lovino curled up closer to him.

"...I think you should lay off the s'mores now…" Ludwig sighed when Gilbert loaded four more marshmallows onto the stick.

"Pfft! Why? I feel fine, West. How about you have another?" Gilbert retorted, shoving the marshmallows into the flame.

"...I want one."

Antonio's eyes widened and everyone seemed surprised at what Lovino had just confessed. He shifted uncomfortably next to Antonio under everyones stares, and Antonio was quick to act. He grinned from ear to ear and grabbed one of the sticks. Then Francis handed him the bag of marshmallows and he picked out two, piercing them on the stick. "Do you want to…?" He asked, offering the stick to Lovino.

Lovino shrugged and unfurled himself from the little ball he had curled up into, and took the stick. Instead of shoving it into the flames as Gilbert had done, he held them just above. As he did this, Antonio prepared the graham crackers and chocolate on his lap.

"...It's really good, Lovi!" Feliciano chirped, breaking the short silence that fell.

"I agree~" Francis nodded encouragingly. "It practically melts on your tongue."

Once Lovino decided the marshmallows were finished, he let Antonio place them on the chocolate and graham crackers. "Yum~" Antonio said happily as he handed one of them to Lovino. He bit into his s'more right away, and watched as Lovino stared at the one on his lap.

After moments of hesitation, Lovino looked up to Antonio. When his gaze was returned with a smile, he lifted the s'more to his lips and took a decent bite. As he chewed, he couldn't help the small hum as the taste exploded in his mouth. He ate the entire thing without hesitance, and Antonio was honestly about to cry. Watching Lovino enjoy food was something he longed to see ever since he entered a relationship with him. This was definitely a sign that he was getting better. But Antonio also didn't want Lovino to be put on the spot, so he started up a conversation while Lovino ate, putting the ingredients for s'mores beside him in the hopes that he would eat more.

"So...swimming tomorrow?" Antonio asked his two friends excitedly. Gilbert and Francis snapped out of their amazement at Lovino eating, to answer in unison.

"Of course!" Francis agreed. He didn't particularly like getting dirty, but once he was in the water he enjoyed it very much.

"Fuck yeah!" Gilbert shouted and threw a fist in the air. Matthew, who had been silently sitting next to him the entire time chuckled lightly.

"That sounds like fun!" Feliciano sighed happily as he clasped his hands together. "Doesn't it, Luddy?" He asked the German boy next to him, who only nodded.

"What do you think, Lovi? Sounds fun?" Antonio turned his attention to Lovino, who was in the process of piercing another marshmallow onto the stick. Their conversation was drowned out by Gilbert's antics and Ludwig reprimanding his brother.

"It does." He murmured and a light blush formed on his cheeks. "...But I liked it just being the two of us. What if one of your bastard friends is all hairy and gross." He scrunched up his nose at the thought.

Antonio laughed, grabbing the graham crackers and chocolate to prepare another s'more for Lovino. "Awww. I love that you cherish our moments alone just as much as I do." He said happily. "And I don't know about them being hairy, but Francis does tend to get a bit touchy when swimming." Though, Antonio knew he wouldn't let his friend lay a finger on Lovino.

Lovino shivered and shook his head. "Nope." He simply said, letting Antonio take the marshmallow off the stick and put it on the chocolate and graham cracker. He ate the s'more and tried to ignore his younger brother's curious, but hopeful stare.

Once he was finished, however, he yawned and tugged at Antonio's sleeve. "I'm tired." He mumbled.

"Ah, What do you think? Want to sleep with me?" Antonio asked hopefully, his eyes practically begging him to.

"…...No touching, you stay on your side of the goddamn tent." Lovino growled, pointing at Antonio accusingly.

The Spaniard only laughed and nodded. "Well, Lovi and I are going to turn in for the night." Antonio announced, standing up from where he was sitting. Lovino did the same and followed Antonio to their shared tent, bidding their friends goodnight.

~oO0Oo~

"I fucking swear to god, if you turn around-" Lovino began as he shucked off his pants.

Antonio snorted, pulling his shirt off and tossing it carelessly to the side. His back was turned to Lovino who was changing. "As much as I want to, I respect your wishes." Antonio teased, earning a pillow being thrown at him.

Once Lovino was changed into more comfortable clothing, he buried himself in the warmth of the sleeping bag that was laid too far for Antonio's liking. "...You can look now." He mumbled.

Antonio turned around to face the Italian and chuckled at how cute Lovino looked, all bundled up like that. "Is it cold?" He asked, ready to unpack an extra blanket if Lovino were to say yes.

Lovino shifted underneath the sleeping bag, humming as his eyes fluttered shut. "Mmm...Not really. I was just thinking how far away my sleeping bag is from yours." He murmured.

Antonio hummed in agreement. Although their tent wasn't that large, the distance between them was still pretty far. "…Should I...lay closer?" Antonio asked, smiling warmly at the sleepy Italian.

"….Yeah." He mumbled.

Feeling like his heart was about to beat right out of his chest, Antonio pulled his sleeping bag closer to Lovino's, climbing inside it and throwing an arm around Lovino's waist. He sighed contentedly and listened to their friend's laugh and joke outside, the warm orange glow of the campfire was the only source of light and Antonio loved the way it almost illuminated Lovino's face. He was even more surprised when the Italian snuggled up to him and sighed.

"I thought no touching?" Antonio said in a hushed tone.

"Shut up...Doesn't count..." Lovino's voice was muffled and Antonio could feel his warm breath against his neck. "….Goodnight, Antonio."

Antonio chuckled softly, raising a hand to card his fingers through Lovino's hair. "Goodnight Lovi. I love you." He said happily, placing a kiss to the side of his head.

Lovino was too sleepy to react. Antonio had thought he had fallen asleep until he heard Lovino whisper the words before he fell asleep.

"….Love you too...cheesy bastard."


	13. Chapter 13

Wow. This story has actually ended! It makes me a little sad, since I really got attached to writing this. I'm also sorry about the delay. I had trouble uploading this chapter because it was so long, and there was an anime con near my home so I decided to go. You guys seriously won't believe it! I went as Romano, and out of nowhere, a Spain cosplayer came up to me, grabbed my face and kissed me. Afterwards, he said with a huge smile "That was my hello, just for you Romano!"

Now, I'm all for shipping Spamano cosplayers, but I was a little shocked at being kissed out of the blue like that. I ultimately decided it was okay though. He even offered to hold my hand as I walked around the convention. It was a beautiful, odd experience.

Enough about me though lol. Since there was a slight delay, I've decided to upload this about the same time as the first chapter of the sequel, which will be uploaded soon. Since I'm on summer break, I think I can safely say my updating days will be on Tuesday every week. Hopefully I can stick to that, lol.

Same warnings as before and I hope you guys enjoy this last chapter.

* * *

Chapter 13. _"Ana shows no mercy,_

 _She'll take your life away,_

 _If you give her any chance,_

 _In your head she'll stay."_

* * *

Lovino's eyes fluttered open and he squirmed underneath the sleeping bag. He saw Antonio's sleeping face next to him and he smiled. In the distance he could hear voices, and he wondered who was all awake. Antonio's soft snoring was comforting, and Lovino realized that his arm was still slung over his waist. He stared at Antonio's face and the way his eyelashes fluttered when he breathed. His skin was much darker than his own and his curly hair was even messier than usual.

He cautiously reached up and brushed the bangs from Antonio's forehead, scooting closer to place a gentle kiss there. When he received no reaction, he nuzzled closer, burying his face into the Spaniard's neck. Antonio only sighed, but did not wake up, so Lovino hugged him tighter.

He could hear his brother's voice outside of their tent, and he tried not to think of the fact that he let his brother sleep in a tent with Ludwig.

Then a delicious smell hit his nose and he breathed it in softly. His stomach rumbled and he frowned. He thought back to last night and how he had eaten the hotdog and two s'mores and his mood declined. He shouldn't be hungry. He already ate that much food, so why was he still hungry? He wriggled out from Antonio's arm, sitting up and running his fingers through his unruly hair. His stomach twisted as he heard Feliciano call out suddenly, "Breakfast is ready~"

He shouldn't be eating so much. He didn't deserve to eat so much. What if Antonio stopped loving him because of how fat he was getting? He brought his knees up to his chest and gripped his hair anxiously. Should he even be here right now? Maybe if he asked Antonio, he would take him back home. Maybe he needed to break things off with Antonio to avoid being hurt… stop it before Antonio gets the chance to hurt him.

Antonio slowly woke up, his eyes opening blearily. He rubbed at his tired eyes and yawned, noticing how Lovino was already awake. He smiled, sat up, stretched, and was about to call out to him until he realized something was wrong.

Lovino was rocking back and forth, curled up in a ball and was muttering to himself words that Antonio couldn't make out. Immediately Antonio knew he was having one of those small attacks that came with eating. He wondered how long Lovino had been in this state and felt guilty for not being awake to stop it before it started.

"Lovi." He murmured, clearing his throat when his voice came out rough. He reached out and gently maneuvered Lovino into a hug, tucking him safely into his arms. With Lovino's back to his chest, he began placing soft kisses to his shoulder and neck, whispering compliments and praise.

They sat their for almost fifteen minutes before Lovino finally shifted in Antonio's arms, turning to him. He hadn't been crying, which Antonio found as a relief. He just looked….exhausted. Antonio pulled him closer to connect their lips in a quick kiss. "...Did you sleep okay?" He asked, inspecting Lovino for any other signs of his negative emotions.

Lovino shrugged, leaning into Antonio's chest. "I think I did. It's just… as soon as I woke up I couldn't help but think about last night...a-and the food..." Lovino mumbled, his voice dripping in regret.

"What kind of thoughts?" Antonio asked curiously.

Lovino huffed. "...I don't want you to leave me if I get fat and ugly." He grumbled, averting his eyes from the Spaniard's.

Antonio let out a soft chuckle, his arms tightening their hold around Lovino's body. "I could never. I will never leave you, my love. And there's seriously no way you can become fat or ugly to me. I will always see my beautiful Lovi." He cooed.

Lovino didn't answer, but Antonio could see the flush of his cheeks and ears. "...Thank you, Antonio..." He murmured, shifting just enough so he could place a loving kiss on the corner of Antonio's mouth.

Feeling giddy after the kiss, Antonio practically attacked Lovino with kisses, peppering them all over his face. "You are too cute Lovi!" Antonio exclaimed.

"L-let go of me-!" Lovino cried, trying to wriggle out of Antonio's grasp.

"Lovi? Antonio?" Feliciano's voice came from outside and his silhouette shown in the front of the tent. Lovino quickly pushed Antonio off of him and scooted away as he heard the his younger brother unzipping the tent. "Are you two okay? Isn't it hot in there?" Feliciano asked curiously.

"We're fine, we're fine!" Lovino growled, lifting a leg to shove his brother out of the tent. Feliciano landed on his butt and giggled lightly.

"What were you two doing? You're really red, Lovi~" He teased. "Anyway, breakfast is ready." With that, he stood up and walked away, leaving the two of them alone.

When Lovino turned around, Antonio was still laying on his back, a grin on his face. "You're honestly so cute when you're embarrassed." He told Lovino happily.

Lovino rolled his eyes and zipped the tent back up so he could get dressed, forcing the Spaniard to turn away.

~oO0Oo~

Lovino slowly ate breakfast. Antonio monitored him, making sure he ate the two eggs and bacon that he served him, as well as the cup of orange juice and a bottle of water. He was relieved to see Lovino eating, and it made him happy to think of him actually enjoying the taste of food.

"Are you done?" He asked. When Lovino nodded, he took the paper plate from him and discarded them into the trash bag nearby. It was only the two of them sitting at the long since put out campfire, everyone else had gone for a hike.

"...I don't know if it's right to say this, but...I'm proud of you, Lovi." Antonio said nervously.

Lovino's leg kept bouncing and he nodded as he chewed on his lip. "...I know..." He mumbled, but avoided eye contact with Antonio.

"...Hey, Lovi? Are you oka-" Antonio started, only to be cut off when Lovino suddenly bolted from where he was sitting. He dashed away from the campsite, Antonio following him once he got over the initial shock. "Lovi! Wait-!" He called out as Lovino ran further away.

Then Lovino stopped. He hunched over and shoved two fingers down his throat. "Lovi, stop!" Antonio shouted, grabbing Lovino's shoulders and attempting to pull him upright.

"Shut the fuck up, Antonio!" Lovino snarled as he pulled away. "Let me go!"

"Lovi, please calm down. Don't do this. Let's go back and talk..." Antonio tried reasoning, but Lovino only tried shoving him away in protest.

"I don't fucking want to talk!" He cried loudly. "I ate too much, I don't fucking deserve to eat anything! I don't deserve a talk!"

Antonio paused, simply staring at Lovino with a hurt expression. "Oh, Lovi..." He mumbled. "You can do this… it takes a lot of effort, but you can."

"Can't you see? I really fucking can't, Antonio. I'm weak as shit and I have no right to eat..." His voice trembled and he collapsed onto his knees on the grass.

Antonio kneeled down beside him and wrapped his arms around him. He had known it would be difficult, but right now he was getting frustrated. He sighed heavily and placed a kiss on the top of Lovino's head. "...You are not weak. Lovi, you deserve things. You deserve to eat." He tried.

A shuffle of grass came from behind them and Antonio looked over his shoulder to see Alfred. "Um...It's not really a good time right now, Alfred..." Antonio told him in a polite voice.

Alfred snorted, walking toward them and sitting down beside Lovino. "I know, it's just… He really helped me out last night… I want to return the favor."

Antonio considered him for a moment, looking from Lovino, back to Alfred. "...Alright." He agreed.

Alfred nodded and scooted closer, gently touching Lovino's knee to get his attention. "Hey." He greeted. Lovino only glared pointedly at him. "You were the one that said you wanted to get better. You were the one that really understood my situation, and I'm the only one who understands yours."

Lovino slowly nodded. Alfred continued. "Don't you think it would be nice to go a day without that voice? To not hear it anymore?... To be free?" Alfred asked thoughtfully.

Lovino glanced at Alfred, letting out a small huff. "...But sometimes I think that...that if I were to get rid of it… I'd be alone. I'd be disgusting and alone." Lovino mumbled, avoiding Antonio's sad gaze.

"You're not the only one that feels that way." Alfred sighed. "Sometimes it's comforting, but look at Antonio. You're not just hurting yourself. Last night you helped me realize that I'm also hurting Arthur. That what I… We have, affects everyone around us… And we're the only ones that can stop it. The only ones that can protect them."

Lovino let out a small sob, quickly wiping his eyes as the tears rolled down his cheeks. "...I know… I get it." He admitted weakly.

Alfred smiled fondly and patted him on the back. "We can do this, Lovi." He said promisingly.

Lovino nodded through his tears and then turned to Antonio, whose jaw had dropped at seeing how well the two interacted. Lovino threw his arms around Antonio's shoulders, burying his face into his neck as he cried harder. "I'm sorry, Antonio. God, I'm so sorry…" His apology was muffled and Antonio could feel his hot breath against his skin.

He wrapped his arms tightly around Lovino and had to blink the tears that formed on the corners of his eyes. Lovino was starting to understand. He met eyes with Alfred, who was smiling and looking pleased with himself. He mouthed a thank you to him, and was even more grateful when Alfred nodded, then stood to leave.

Once the two of them were alone again, Lovino continued to sob into Antonio's shoulder. "I'll try harder..." He mumbled, only to be hushed gently by Antonio.

"I know, Lovi. You're doing great. I'm so proud of you. Perfect, beautiful Lovi." Antonio cooed and let Lovino cuddle up to him.

When Lovino finally pulled away he kept a grip on Antonio's shirt sleeve. "...I can't jump to foods like last night..." He admitted. "I can't do those foods yet… They're good, but… it's too much."

Antonio nodded understandingly. "...I had no idea… But it's okay now. I should've been more considerate… We'll see if we can find you foods you're comfortable with."

Lovino sniffled and made a soft sound in agreement.

"...I want you to be at a safe weight too though..." Antonio said sadly. "I just want you to be happy."

~oO0Oo~

"West, you old man! C'mon, jump in!" Gilbert shouted at his younger brother who was perched on top of a rock that was seated on the riverbed.

Ludwig rolled his eyes and watched as his brother tackled Francis, both of them falling into the water and creating large splashes.

"It's so cold!" Feliciano complained as he slowly sunk lower into the water. "Lovi, how are you doing it!?"

Lovino was swimming silently on the other side of the river, watching as Antonio's friends wrestled one another. By now he was used to the water, and was neck deep.

Antonio was climbing the rock, judging where he should jump in, while Alfred was attempting to skip rocks on the more quiet part of the river. Arthur was reading a book further away on the grass.

"I think the deep part was right here? Or maybe there…?" Antonio said to himself as he inspected the water.

"Don't hurt yourself." Ludwig sighed, piecing together how Antonio, Francis, and Gilbert managed to be friends. He didn't know if Antonio had heard him, since immediately after he finished his sentence, the Spaniard jumped into the river with a splash.

Seconds later his head came back up and he swam towards his two friends. Immediately they pulled him into their wrestling match and all three of them were tackling each other. Feliciano sunk completely into the water and swam over to his brother. A big grin was on his face as he playfully splashed Lovino. "This is fun. I'm glad we came." He said happily.

Lovino nodded and allowed a small smile to grace his features. "I guess so. Antonio seems to love this place." He murmured as he watched his boyfriend laugh and wriggle out of Gilbert's grip.

"All three of them seem to." Feliciano nodded. "…Hey Lovi?" He asked suddenly.

"Hm?"

"...I-I'm really happy. I'm happy for you."

Lovino's eyes widened and he stared at his brother, confused. "What do you mean?"

Feliciano swam around a bit before answering. "You seem so happy these days. And… and you ate. Seeing that, after so long… I was so happy…!" Feliciano's voice wavered and Lovino was sure he was crying.

Lovino shrugged and beneath the water he intertwined their fingers. "...I'm sorry, Feli. I'm sorry that I did this to you, grandpa, and Antonio. But I'm starting to see. I'm starting to get better." He smiled reassuringly at his younger brother.

Feliciano's eyes watered and he threw his arms around Lovino. "You don't have to apologize Lovi! I'm so glad...so relieved…!" He cried.

"Is everything okay here?" Francis asked as he swam toward the two.

Lovino frowned and gently pushed Feliciano off of him. "Everything's fine." He grumbled. He remembered what Antonio had said about Francis when it came to swimming, and was eyeing him warily.

"Wanna join in?" Francis asked, a smirk gracing his features.

"Ve… it seems a little too rough..." Feliciano murmured, watching Gilbert and Antonio throw each other around at the other side of the river.

Francis chuckled and pushed his wet hair out of his face. "No, no, I don't mean that. We can jump from the rock over there if you'd like. The water's pretty deep right there." He told the two, pointing to the rock Ludwig was currently sitting on.

Lovino blushed as he remembered when he and Antonio visited this place, and how they had shared their first kiss on that same rock. To make matters worse, he and Antonio's eyes met just as Antonio managed to break free from Gilbert. It almost seemed as if they shared the same thought at that moment, because for a rare second, Antonio's face turned crimson. Right before he was tackled again.

"Lovi? Are you feeling ill?" Feliciano asked, looking at his brother in concern.

Lovino splashed water onto his face in a rush, shaking his head as he swam away from Francis and his brother. "Stop asking questions." He grumbled embarrassedly.

By the time everyone agreed to get out of the water, all of them had dived into the river from the rock at least once. Ludwig retrieved towels for all of them, murmuring about how they had stayed in the water for too long and had become prune-y.

"You had fun." Antonio commented as he took a hold of Lovino's towel and dried his hair for him.

"Same goes for you. A little too much fun..." Lovino mumbled, looking at the scrapes and bruises Antonio had gotten from his brawls with Gilbert and Francis.

Antonio laughed, his curly hair bouncing with his movements. "Ah, yeah. I guess I did get a little carried away… We haven't done that in so long though."

Unexpectedly, Lovino leaned forward and placed a quick kiss on Antonio's lips, his cheeks igniting a brilliant shade of red. "It was nice. Thanks..." He mumbled and hastily retreated before Antonio could snap out of his shock and coo over Lovino.

~oO0Oo~

On the last day of their time camping, Antonio avoided giving Lovino unhealthy foods. While they were packing, Antonio caught Lovino alone and had the chance to bring up their scheduled date.

"Y-you want to go see what?" Lovino mumbled, stuffing some clothes into a bag.

"It's a new scary movie out. It's called 'The Devil Sleeps Tight.'" Antonio replied excitedly. "It's showing a little late tonight, and I really think it'll be fun!"

Lovino sighed deeply and looked warily at Antonio. "...Popcorn..." He said.

Antonio blinked and tilted his head to the side. "Popcorn?"

"...Forget it. I don't even know what point I'm trying to make. I'll go to your stupid movie." Lovino grumbled and hoisted the bag onto his shoulders.

"Aw, Lovi. Don't do that! What about popcorn?" Antonio urged, trying to pull Lovino back into the tent.

What he didn't expect was for Lovino to round on him and glare pointedly. "I'm happy that you take what I say so seriously...But at the movies, there's popcorn. I want popcorn, but… I'll regret it..." Lovino explained and averted his eyes from Antonio's gaze.

"…I'll make sure you don't! Lovi, how many times do I have to tell you that you deserve everything! Popcorn especially!" He grabbed Lovino's small shoulders and waited until golden brown met emerald green before speaking again. "Stop thinking like that. When you let yourself be brought down like that, you're giving that negative mind power over you. Do you want that, Lovi?" He asked seriously, his grasp tightening.

Lovino shifted uncomfortably and frowned. "...I don't want that. I don't… I just want everything to be over." He said in a soft voice.

Antonio slowly released Lovino's shoulders, seemingly slumping as he took in Lovino's confession. "...Well, it can't and won't. Lovi, not unless you put in the effort. And I know you try. I can't ever understand it fully, and I don't always know what to say or do, but I do believe you can fight it. I believe that you will overcome it. You don't just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing it, over and over again."

Lovino carded his fingers through Antonio's hair and smiled as he pulled the Spaniard closer. "...You're right… Let's hurry up and finish packing so we can head back and see that movie." He told Antonio.

"Okay. I love you." Antonio answered happily as he pulled away and crawled out of the tent, Lovino following closely behind.

"I love you t-" Lovino's voice dropped to a whisper once they came face to face with Alfred. He was kneeling in front of the tent and a cheeky grin was plastered on his face.

"I never realized how adorable you two are." He laughed. Antonio only snorted and continued to haul bags to his car.

The two of them watched him go until he was far enough that he wouldn't hear them talk. Then Alfred turned to Lovino. "I… I ate an egg. I didn't even throw up! For the first time in months, my throat feels like it's not being torn to shreds. Arthur seems pretty happy too." Alfred sighed.

Lovino hummed and sat beside Alfred, bringing his knees up to his chest. "Antonio seems happy too. He wants to go to a horror movie that has an awful name tonight."

Alfred chuckled and nodded. "Yeah...You know, everyone on this trip kinda gave you guys your space. Ludwig had a hard time keeping your little brother away. We thought you could use the time together."

Lovino's eyes widened and he stared at Alfred. "What? But why-?"

"Antonio asked us to." Alfred answered immediately with a shrug. "To be honest, sometimes he scares me."

Lovino rolled his eyes and plucked some grass to play with. "Well, don't be. He's harmless." He mumbled.

"Yeah, maybe to you, but I've seen him angry." Lovino gave him a curious glance, so he continued. "Once I was walking to the gym building and I was walking behind the school when I stumbled on Antonio threatening this one guy."

Lovino couldn't help but laugh. "Are you sure that was Antonio? Because _that_ Antonio would feel bad stepping on an ant, let alone threatening someone." He pointed to Antonio who had started talking to Francis on his way back.

"I'm telling you it was him! He told the guy that if they ever so much as looked at you, then he'd break more than his nose." Alfred explained with a shiver.

"Wait, wait wait- Me?" Lovino asked, an icy cold feeling settling into his chest.

"Yes, you! He said your name and everything!" Alfred said impatiently.

Lovino laid back on the grass with a sigh. "Oh my fucking god. I told him not to do anything… How did he even-" Lovino mumbled to himself and threaded his fingers through his hair.

Alfred laid down beside him. "Oh. Did the guy pick on you?" He asked softly.

It took a moment for Lovino to answer. He wondered if the boy Antonio had been threatening was even the right boy. He wondered how Antonio managed to find out who it was because he had never revealed that. "...Yeah. He kinda triggered the ED." Lovino finally said, letting his eyes flutter shut when a cool breeze sifted through.

"Oh shit...really?" Alfred asked and sat up a little, supporting himself on his elbows. "Then I agree with Antonio. He had every reason to threaten him like that." He murmured.

"I actually didn't think he would do anything..." Feliciano suddenly said as he plopped down beside them, causing the two to jump in shock. "You didn't say much about it though. You only said you disliked him." He continued sadly, looking apologetically at Lovino.

"You… You told him!?" Lovino asked incredulously.

"He made it sound very important!" Feliciano cried, throwing himself at Lovino and burying his face in his brother's chest. "I didn't know, I'm sorry!"

Alfred chuckled softly beside them at the little display and Lovino let out a huff. "Get off, Feli. I'm not mad. I'm surprised you even bothered to remember the name."

Feliciano looked up to meet his brother's eyes and frowned. "Of course I would. You seemed so upset and that was when you changed. Of course I'd remember something like that." He mumbled and blinked away tears that appeared in the corner of his eyes.

Lovino always tended to forget just how observant his little brother was.

~oO0Oo~

After everything was packed and ready, all of them headed back into town. Lovino had to admit it was a fun ride back, what with Feliciano talking to Antonio the entire ride home. He didn't seemed bothered in the slightest, which made Lovino happy. He was glad the two got along so well.

When they finally arrived back at their house, Antonio promised to pick Lovino up twenty minutes before the movie would start, leaving him with almost five hours of nothing to do. Romulus welcomed them jovially and practically beamed when Lovino told him everything that they had done, including him eating a few s'mores.

Lovino was also quick to shower once he got home. He wasn't surprised in the slightest when dirt and mud washed down the drain, most likely from their time in the river. Once out, he got dressed in a black and red t-shirt and dark blue jeans. He thought about taking the time to style his hair, but shook the idea off when he reminded himself that the date was just to the movies.

It was as him and his brother were sitting on the couch watching tv that his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out, his heart thrumming as he read Antonio's message, promising to be there in no less than ten minutes.

"I hope you two have fun." Feliciano offered. He was sprawled out on the couch, his feet laying on Lovino's lap.

"Thanks… I hope so too..." Lovino mumbled as he texted the Spaniard back. "He sounds excited, at least."

Feliciano giggled lightly and they continued watching the rest of the program until Lovino received yet another text, saying that Antonio was outside. He stood up and shoved his phone back into his pocket, muttering a goodbye to his younger brother before briskly walking out the door. Of course, once he climbed into Antonio's ride, he turned to see probably the most widest grin he'd ever seen the Spaniard make.

"...What's up with you?" Lovino grumbled, eyeing Antonio suspiciously.

"Nothing! Well, I'm excited, happy and giddy that we're actually going on a real date. You look gorgeous, by the way." He winked as he pulled out of the driveway.

Lovino blushed and rolled his eyes at Antonio's words, but silently had to agree that he felt the same. Antonio looked stunning as well. He chanced a glance at him, watching him as he turned the radio on and continued driving without a care in the world.

His messy, curly, brown hair was still the same as ever. Only he wore a white button-up and black jeans. The sun was just setting, which illuminated his dark skin and emerald green eyes and Lovino gulped when Antonio started happily singing along to one of the songs.

They arrived at the movie theatre with time to spare, and Antonio held Lovino's hand, leading him into the building. Once they agreed on who would pay for the tickets and who the popcorn and drinks, they made their way into the theatre, which had very few people inside it.

"Do you like scary movies, Lovi?" Antonio asked softly as he popped a popcorn into his mouth.

"...Sure, I'll watch them when I'm bored, but I'm not that enthusiastic." Lovino shrugged, taking a sip of their shared soda. Antonio had insisted that they share a drink, and Lovino was pretty sure it was for the sole purpose of having him drink something else that wasn't water. He went along with it, immediately deciding that the taste of cherry coke was much better than water.

"You know...I think you really do look nice. When I saw you, I was at a loss for words, and I think I might've said something stupid." Antonio laughed.

Lovino quirked his lips up. "Really? I didn't notice. You're always saying something stupid." He mumbled, reaching over and taking a piece of popcorn. He met Antonio's wide eyes as he ate it.

"God, you're so beautiful." Antonio sighed and leaned closer to connect their lips. Lovino's eyes fluttered shut and he brought a hand up to run gently though Antonio's hair, keeping him in place as he deepened the kiss.

When they pulled away, Lovino's face was beet red, and he hid his face embarrassedly when Antonio happily pointed that out. Then the movie started and the lights dimmed further. Lovino smiled to himself when Antonio intertwined their fingers, and they watched the movie in silence.

~oO0Oo~

"That little squeak you made was absolutely adorable!" Antonio declared as they walked out into the parking lot. It seemed to have rained a bit and the air smelled fresh. The streetlights gave the pavement a nice glow and illuminated the night.

Lovino shivered and rubbed his arms to try and warm himself up. Most of the vehicles that were parked before were gone. They got into Antonio's car and he turned up the heat, much to Lovino's relief. "So… I don't think I'm ready to let you go tonight." Antonio said as he buckled up and pulled out of the parking lot.

Lovino looked at him curiously, buckling up before the Spaniard could comment about it. "...What do you have in mind?" He asked.

Then Antonio grinned and motioned toward the time. It wasn't too late, Lovino decided. "So throughout our time dating, I've noticed how much you love books. The first time we talked, you were reading a book. When you were alone in my room you were drawn to my bookshelf." Antonio explained easily.

Lovino smiled and tilted his head. "And? Where are you going with this?"

Antonio looked proud when he revealed his plans. "My point is, I want to take you to this bookstore on the other side of town. I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's kinda like a cafe and bookstore. I thought you'd might like it."

A bubble of excitement rose in Lovino's chest, but he did his best to remain calm and not seem too pleased by Antonio's plans. "You thought right." He simply said, desperately trying not to squirm in his seat.

The drive to the bookstore was pleasant. Antonio wanted to talk the entire way, mostly about Lovino's well-being which actually was welcomed. "I'm honestly so proud of you Lovi." Antonio said sincerely.

Lovino glanced at him, wondering what he could possibly say in response. "…..You're the one that helped me get this far." He finally said.

Antonio shrugged. "I guess you can say that, but I think it was mostly just you. You're strong, and I really admire that about you." He complimented, making Lovino blush.

"I-if you say so..." Lovino mumbled, smiling despite himself.

Antonio was about to reply when he spotted the bookstore. Only three or four vehicles were parked outside and the window emitted a warm glow onto the street. He cheered happily as he pulled into the parking lot. Lovino was practically dragging the Spaniard in by the time they both got out of the car barely unable to contain his excitement.

A bell overhead the door rang as they walked in and Lovino was glad that the building was warm. The only lights were the bright orange glows of the lamps placed throughout the room. Their feet clacked on the wooden floor as they walked further into the store and Antonio stuffed his hands into his pockets as he watched Lovino wander to look at the bookshelves.

"While you look, I'll grab us some drinks." Antonio murmured and motioned toward the small cafe. A woman was sitting behind the counter on her phone with a bored expression. Lovino barely glanced in the cafe's direction before agreeing with Antonio.

Antonio ordered two hot chocolate's and after a few minutes of deciding, ordered a brownie. It smelled delicious and he searched for Lovino to offer him the baked good. He wondered when was the last time Lovino had eaten something so tasty.

When Antonio finally managed to find Lovino, he was kneeling down, searching the bottom shelves. His eyes were practically sparkling as he read the titles and let his fingers trace the spines of the books. He would pull out a book, flip it open and read a few lines, then close it and put it back in place. Which would seem like nothing special, but to Antonio it was a site worth watching. It was obvious how much Lovino was enjoying this.

So in the end Antonio sat down in a comfy spot in the corner of the room where he could watch Lovino browse. He wasn't surprised when twenty minutes had passed before Lovino came walked over, carrying two books. "I could spend an entire day in here." Lovino sighed as he sat down across the small table from Antonio. "They have everything, I could practically live here!"

Antonio laughed and held out the hot chocolate that had cooled, but was thankfully not too tepid. "I see that. I'm glad you like this." He said and also pushed the brownie toward Lovino.

Lovino couldn't help but grin as he took the hot chocolate and drank some of it. Antonio wanted so badly to see that smile more often, because that was an honest smile. Lovino was sincerely happy, and that made him happy. Lovino put the drink down and rubbed his cheeks. "My face hurts. I think I've been smiling for too long..." He murmured, causing Antonio to make a soft titter of amusement.

"You don't know how happy that makes me." Antonio confessed, propping his elbow onto the table and resting his chin on his palm. "Just watching you enjoy yourself, it's made my entire week, basically."

Lovino blushed, but the smile was still there, and Antonio wanted to gush over how adorable Lovino looked at the moment, but decided against it when Lovino reached out and picked up the brownie.

"Oh, I got that for you. I know we kinda agreed on healthy foods, but I got it since I just thought-"

He was cut off when Lovino leaned over the table and kissed him softly on the lips. Their kiss lasted for only seconds, but both could feel the emotions put into the kiss, that it meant something special.

When Lovino pulled away, he curled up into a more comfortable position on the chair and began unwrapping the baked good. Antonio admired how determined Lovino looked, and he knew how much of an obstacle it had to be for him to overcome.

"I can eat it." Lovino mumbled, almost as if coaching himself. Once he unwrapped a part of the brownie, he held it up to his mouth. "I can eat it..." He more whispered than said, and took a bite of it.

Antonio watched as Lovino's eyes fluttered shut and he chewed like it was the best thing he's tasted in his entire life, which probably felt like it at the moment. Then tears fell and ran down his cheeks and he took another bite.

"...Are you okay?" Antonio asked in concern, surprised that Lovino was crying.

"...Yeth..." Lovino blubbered, still chewing. He eventually swallowed and desperately tried wiping his eyes. "It's been so long. I… I haven't...in so long..."

Antonio moved to comfort him, but was beaten to it when Lovino suddenly got up and curled up in Antonio's lap. Antonio only gave a seconds thought about the other occupants of the bookstore, before wrapping his arms around Lovino, rubbing his back comfortingly. "Shh, I know." He said soothingly. "You deserve it."

It might've looked ridiculous from afar or without context, a teenage boy curled up in another boy's arms and on his lap, crying while still eating a brownie. Lovino breathed out a laugh at the thought of how they might look. It wasn't until he heard Antonio sniffle that he looked up to see the Spaniard tearing up. His eyes were glossy and he tried laughing it off, even as he wiped at his eyes. "Sorry, Lovi. I'm just so happy." He murmured weakly.

Lovino wrapped his arms around Antonio's neck, hoping the gesture brought some sort of comfort. The two remained that way for a long while. Antonio was just grateful that the bookstore seemed pretty dead for the time being.

~oO0Oo~

When they finally decided to go home, Antonio bought the two books for Lovino, after much protesting. Lovino didn't eat the entire brownie, which was fine by Antonio because he knew Lovino was recovering in his own small ways. He drove Lovino back home and they shared one last lingering kiss before Lovino went inside.

In the morning Feliciano had a million questions for Lovino, asking about how the date went, where they went, and if Antonio had done a good job of planning it out.

"I already told you Feli, it was great, everything was great, it was the greatest fucking time of my life." Lovino rolled his eyes as he pulled his shoes on.

Feliciano made a sound of pure joy, practically bouncing with excitement. "It really does sound like you had a great time! I'm happy for you two! I hope Ludwig and I can be like that!" He exclaimed, earning a glare from his older brother.

"...Putting that aside, are you ready to go yet?" Lovino growled, hoisting his bag onto his shoulders as he straightened up.

Feliciano nodded and opened the front door, looking outside. "Oh! Antonio's here!" He called as soon as the red car pulled in.

Lovino quickly grabbed the book Antonio had purchased for him last night and followed his brother out the door, bidding a goodbye to their grandfather who was just sleepily making his way into the kitchen.

Once in the car, Antonio noticed the book Lovino was clutching to his chest and smiled brightly. "You already started reading it?" He asked happily.

Lovino fought the blush that threatened to stain his cheeks and held the book closer. "...Y-yeah. I read six chapters so far. It's really good." He mumbled and Feliciano giggled in the backseat.

"Lovi, you're gonna be tired during classes!" He scolded lightly and his brother rolled his eyes.

Antonio chuckled softly and pulled out of the driveway. "You do look tired. As soon as you get home you should take a nap." He suggested.

Lovino sighed and shook his head. "I can't. I have another...therapy session." He hesitantly said, almost as if ashamed to admit it.

"Oh, well, maybe after that then?" Antonio nodded in understanding, smiling at Lovino for a second before returning his eyes to the road.

"Actually..." Lovino started, he fumbled with the book as he mentally forced himself to finish his sentence. "...I kinda want you to go with me… I want you in the room with me..."

Antonio's eyes widened and he glanced in the mirror at Feliciano, who looked just as surprised as he was. He cleared his throat as he repeated Lovino, just to make sure he heard correctly. "You want me to go with you? Is that okay?" He asked.

Lovino nodded. "I already talked with the therapist… She said it was fine..." he grumbled as he looked out the window.

"Hmm… Okay then. If she says it's okay." Antonio smiled.

"You always ask Antonio! I'm feeling a little left out here!" Feliciano whined and Lovino groaned in annoyance.

"If I invited you, you would ask a billion questions, not sit still, and complain." Lovino turned in his seat to address his brother. "Besides, it's something I want Antonio to be there for."

Feliciano pouted while Antonio couldn't help but reach across the console to grab Lovino's hand. "I'd be more than happy to go with you." He stated, squeezing the Italian's hand for emphasis. "After school, we'll head right over there, okay?"

Lovino blushed and squeezed Antonio's hand in return. "...Okay..."

Once they got to the school, the three of them were surrounded by Francis, Gilbert, Ludwig, Arthur, and Alfred. Of course, Feliciano and Antonio greeted them easily while Lovino grimaced at the fact that he was absolutely surrounded by loud people. Alfred and Arthur eventually pulled him off to the side and Arthur threw his arms around Lovino, who tensed at the gesture. "I really can't thank you enough..." He mumbled into his shoulder. "It's because of you that… that-"

Alfred chuckled softly and patted Arthur on the back. Lovino met his bright blue eyes and Alfred began explaining. "I managed three slices of pizza last night and an omelet this morning. With a glass of orange juice, of course!" Alfred declared proudly.

Lovino gave a small smiled and told the two of his successes. He also mentioned the bookstore and how he had eaten some of a delicious brownie that Antonio had bought for him. Alfred looked relieved that Lovino was trying just as hard as he was. With one last hug, they parted ways.

The rest of the day went like any other, during lunch Lovino read in the passenger's seat of Antonio's car while Antonio preoccupied himself with either trying to cuddle up to him, hum a tune, or bring out the food he had made in his culinary class. Today he had made a cream of broccoli soup and was ecstatic when Lovino shared it with him.

Antonio knew that the disorder wasn't fully gone. He would catch Lovino staring at himself wherever his reflection could be seen, or he would unknowingly pinch or poke any part of his body he considered to be fat. After lunch, Antonio had even noticed how Lovino paused just in front of the bathroom doors, seemingly tempted to enter through its doors and purge. He was prepared for relapses, however, and made sure to let Lovino know that.

By the time the school day had ended and Lovino made sure Feliciano was escorted home safely by Gilbert's younger brother, the two headed over to Lovino's therapist. Antonio was honestly nervous, to say the least. He had always wondered what kinds of things Lovino told them, and if it really was okay for him to tag along.

When they were called on and entered the plain grey and spacious room, Antonio had been reassured by Lovino at least a dozen times that it was okay for him to be there. Lovino had explained that the first therapist, who had been a man had such difficulty with Lovino that he was then assigned a kind, older woman. She smiled warmly at Antonio and offered him a seat beside Lovino on the comfy red sofa.

Once they were comfortable, she began with her usual questions. She asked Lovino when the last time he ate was and what he ate. When he mentioned the brownie, her eyes rounded out and she seemed greatly surprised. Many other questions followed that one in which Lovino answered honestly and without hesitation.

Once the small interrogation was over, she placed her clipboard down and nearly beamed at Lovino. "Even I can tell what progress you've made in the short time you've been away from here. I'm honestly impressed and amazed at what you've managed to accomplish." She complimented Lovino, who blushed lightly and shied away. "However, I think we should do a small activity. I do this with all patients that come in with similar issues. Will you help me, Antonio?" She turned to Antonio, who perked at the question.

"Of course m'am." He responded politely, earning a kind smile.

She left the room for a moment, returning with a large paper that dragged across the floor as she carried it. Since Antonio was significantly taller than her, he was given the task of stapling it to the bare wall in the corner of the room. Once he was finished, she gave Lovino a marker and instructed him to make an outline of what he thought his body to be.

Antonio sat back and watched alongside the therapist as Lovino drew an outline of himself, the size much bigger than Lovino actually was. Once he was finished, she made him stand back and point out what he saw wrong with the image.

"The arms, the legs, the stomach...everything..." Lovino mumbled as he glared at the outline of himself.

Antonio wanted to say something, that the image wasn't even correct and resembled nothing like Lovino, but the therapist began speaking. "Okay. Well, Lovino. Would you stand with your back against the paper?" When he gave a curt nod and did as she asked, she turned and handed Antonio a marker. "Draw an outline of him over the outline he made of himself." She told Antonio, who nodded.

He started with Lovino's head, both of them sharing small glances and smiles as he did so. As he traced, he wondered what the objective of this activity was. Were they addressing Lovino's image of himself?

It was as he finished and pushed the marker back into it's cap that the therapist allowed Lovino to step away from the paper. She had him do the same as before and step away from the wall and examine the image.

The outline Antonio had drawn was much, much smaller than the one Lovino had drawn. The arms had thinned out and the legs were so small compared to the one's that Lovino had imagined, that he actually had to question if Antonio had drawn in too close.

"Nope. I was watching him, and I thought you trusted him to do an accurate drawing?" She reassured him calmly. He nodded and stared at the image on the paper. The outline Antonio had drawn was inside the larger one Lovino had drawn, only exaggerating how much of a difference there was.

Then the therapist handed Lovino a red marker and motioned him to fill in the smaller outline. He did so, and after a few minutes, had taken a step back and examined it himself without the therapist asking him to do so. He suddenly turned to her and asked for a different color, which she handed to him curiously. He then urged Antonio to come closer and they both took a hold of the plain black marker.

Antonio was confused at first, wondering what Lovino was going to draw next with the marker, scared that he might try and 'fix' the image further. But when Lovino began slowly and carefully leading his hand to draw a big heart in the middle of Antonio's outline of Lovino's chest, his heart swelled up and he hugged Lovino the second the heart was finished.

The therapist beamed in barely concealed joy and talked with Lovino for a few more minutes before she decided that it was okay for the two of them to leave early.

The drive back home was a comforting silence. Antonio was still replaying the scene in his head over and over again. Lovino was the one who drew the heart. It wasn't asked of him, no one suggested it, he took it upon himself to draw it. Antonio couldn't wait to see the look of Romulus' and Feliciano's faces once they were told about what had happened.

When they arrived back at Lovino's place, Antonio walked with him inside and Feliciano perked from where he was sitting on the couch watching a strange cooking program that showed how to make different German foods. "Lovi!" He cried and jumped up, throwing himself at his older brother. "How'd it go?" He asked excitedly when he noticed the grin that was plastered on Antonio's face.

Romulus appeared from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a cloth and raising his eyebrow in inquiry. Both Lovino and Antonio recounted all of what happened, during which Feliciano began to cry and Romulus sniffled a bit. By the time they were done retelling the events, Romulus declared that dinner was ready, and offered Antonio to stay for dinner.

He easily complied and was delighted when he found that Romulus had prepared lasagna. He bragged about it being a traditional family recipe, and how he was going to teach Lovino and Feliciano the next time he made it. Lovino rolled his eyes and Feliciano agreed gleefully.

For once, the dinner table was lively. Lovino couldn't even remember the last time he'd seen his grandfather and little brother so excited and happy while eating dinner. As the plate was placed in front of him, a wave of tension washed over the room as his grandfather, Feliciano, and Antonio stared at him. He took the fork on his side and stabbed the food, cutting off a piece and glanced up to see the encouraging looks of everyone at the table. With only seconds of hesitation, Lovino stuffed the food into his mouth, smiling as he chewed.

The excitement of the table returned, and Romulus began telling stories of the two brother's when they were younger, stories of how clumsy Lovino was and maybe still was, of how Feliciano had once broken his arm when he made the mistake of angering Lovino while they were playing on a trampoline, and Antonio's favorite, where Lovino had caught a cold when he decided to go outside to look for worms during a cold and rainy day in nothing but a sweater and jeans. Simply because Romulus had mentioned wanting to go fishing, but didn't have any bait.

Antonio had a great time eating with Lovino's family, laughing at how embarrassed Lovino became when Romulus cooed over the stories of his younger days, and how Feliciano constantly bothered Lovino, which again Romulus pointed out was a very normal thing.

As he was laughing at Romulus' tale of Lovino playing when he was about three years old and of how he'd thrown a blanket over his head, running around the house until he had slammed face first into a wall, his eyes met Lovino's who was actually silently laughing as well.

Once their eyes met, they shared a long stare, and Antonio wanted to convey just how much he loved Lovino, how much he meant to him. They were sitting beside one another, but suddenly it felt like the distance was much to far. Lovino seemed to think this too, because he subtly reached over and intertwined their fingers. Antonio grinned and he could see the meaningful stare Lovino returned as they continued eating.

Lovino finished the entire meal.


End file.
